This is for Eraj. :)

We walk upon so many hearts,

we trample so many trusts apart,
seldom so we stop to realize,
that someone under our feet dies.

We rant, we whine, we complain,
about life, about people, about pain,
But do we ever try to honestly feel,
what's it like when scars slowly peel?

We are all stuck in black holes of time,
where just our feelings and pains are prime.
We turn blind to the fiery fires around us,
burning so many, while we're busy clueless.

We fail to understand the battles others fight,
we're too busy proving that we're the only ones right.
We're so busy proving our scars are bigger,
while others die under so much agony and rigor.

We read emails, go through text messages, try to guess
trying to deciper why those people walked out on us.
But do we ever stop to think,they were probably never meant to be?
Maybe they were mere illusions, nothing more than images in the sea?

We pick on our scars, shedding tears of distress,
we do it to ourselves, it's a fatal quality we all possess.
In hopes that our tears will extinguish flame of anguish,
we end up setting our lives on fire, letting life diminish.

We all want to reach out so bad, but our egos hold us back,
we need to cut open those constraints and admit what we lack.
For every person in our lives who leaves us alone,
God makes sure another walks with us all along.

We spend too much of our lives staring at closed doors,
it becomes impossible to find possible cures,
to end this misery which we usually self-opt,
to change and grow and to new conditions adopt.

Good byes are just another chance to grow,
independently, to walk on two legs and take life slow.
Farewells maybe be major causes of heart ache,
but if you look closely, they are ways to partake.

Trust me, it's time to step out of those lacunae,
to spread colors of love, obliterate all the gray,
to live once more and rejoice every crevice of this life,
to fill the morbid silence with melodies of fife.

Don't ever feel that you were wrong to love or to care,
since those who matter will always be there,
to carry you around when you feel you've stalled,
to be your guardian angels or your protective wall.

Just hang on to the golden string of belief,
through episodes of happiness and even grief,
you will resurface one day with so much grace,
that the glow of love with radiate from your face.



SMILE ERAJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ! :)

*hugs*

Vivid Blurs.

I tell myself to pick up my pieces,
to ignore my palms with wretched creases,
to close my eyes to the dark shadows,
to dream and wait for future breezes.

When the rays of the sun strike my face,
I feel sorrow has held me in tight embrace.
The fiery lights pierce deep through me,
it's a pain within me, nobody can see.

The dry leaves scratch against the ground,
leaving me to drown in the sound,
of crackling laughter and so many cries,
to witness every joy as it slowly dies.

With defiance I try to pick myself up,
to capture the solitude in a china cup,
to hit it hard against a solid wall,
to watch the tiny shards as they sprawl.

The barren branches of autumn trees,
push me deeper into blood-filled seas,
for help I try so hard to reach out,
but the waves of time lull every shout.

There comes a time when numbness comes,
I'm left to pick up my broken crumbs,
from the left, from the right, up and down,
in the endless pit, I've left to drown.

I resurface and then drown deep,
in quarries of pain, I'm left to creep.
Every nightmare now a mundane tale,
every scar hidden under a shiny veil.

My eyes getting dimmer with sorrow,
waiting for a brighter tomorrow,
to rise up with grace and with glory,
to become a legend, not just a story.

I remind myself that life's too short,
through glass and rocks i need to sort.
I need to save myself from major blows,
there will be thorns for every rose.

I flow along the currents of time,
not a single piece of shore to climb,
I let it carry me to lands unknown,
my heart's all numb, my body of stone.

For every little shove that I feel,
I realize these wounds may never heal,
each bruise is a little epiphany,
of the past and what I once used to be.

Each breath becomes too painful to maintain,
everything seems a loss, where are the gains?
I glance at the sky, searching for a sign,
every wound seems to be coated with brine.

Lips now too parched to say or speak,
for chances of rescue look too bleak.
I can feel my heart dipping in cold,
all turns to rust, that was once gold.

Then little by little darkness creeps,
specks of bright light it gently sweeps,
taking along so much from what's left of me,
it carries me along too, to my chosen destiny.

Union- Black Eyed Peas

I came across this amazing song by Black Eyed Peas that I just had to share. The lyrics seemed a little silly to me at first, but then I just really liked them. :)

"Union"

[Chorus]
(One for all, one for all)
(It's all it's all for one)
Let's start a union, calling every human
It's one for all and all for one
Let's live in unison, calling every citizen
It's one for all and all for one

We don't want war- can't take no more
It's drastic time for sure
We need an antidote and a cure
Coz do you really think Mohammed got a problem with Jehovah
We don't want war – imagine if any prophet was alive
In current days amongst you and I
You think they'd view life like you and I do
Or would they sit and contemplate on why
Do we live this way, act and behave this way
We still live in primitive today
Coz the peace in the destination of war can't be the way
There's no way, so people just be a woman, be a man
Realize that you can't change the world by changing yourself
And understand that we're all just the same
So when I count to three let's change

[Chorus]

Got no time for grand philosophy
I barely keep my head above the tide
I got this mortgage, got three kids at school
What you're saying is the truth, but really troubles me inside
I'd change the world if I could change my mind
If I could live beyond my fears
Exchanging unity for all my insecurity
Exchanging laughter for my tears

[Chorus]

I don't know, y'all, we in a real deposition
In the midst of all this negative condition
Divided by beliefs, differences in religion
Why do we keep missing the point in our mission?
Why do we keep killing each other, what's the reason?
God made us all equal in his vision
I wish that I could make music as a religion
Then we could harmonize together in this mission
Listen, I know it's really hard to make changes
But two of us could help rearrange this curse
Utilizing all the power in our voices
Together we will unite and make the right choice
And fight for education, save the next generation
Come together as one
I don't understand why it's never been done
So let's change on the count of one

It takes one, just one
And then one follows the other one
And then another follows the other one
Next thing you know you got a billion
People doing some wonderful things
People doing some powerful things
Let's change and do some powerful things
Unity could be a wonderful thing

[Chorus]

Blah.

Today was an 'okay' day, did nothing special, except maybe eat chana chat with crisps sprinkled all over it. There's so much to do, so much to study, I have a block assessment coming up soon, I'm a little nervous, but I don't know why I just can't get myself to study. I literally have to drag myself to my books. =/ And I seriously don't know what's so wrong with me these. I know there is "something", but I just can't put a finger on it. I'm writing too many poems, I feel like a factory more than anything else. Thanks to someone, I hate the word "poetess" with a passion. It makes me feel like some old and haggard 100 year old woman walking with a stick and scribbling on clay tablets about her feelings. Ick. Changing tracks, studying embryology makes me feel like a little miracle. There are around 165784365436 things that can go wrong in the womb. Alhamdullilah, we all need to learn to be so much more grateful. I don't have much to say, but I wanted to cut the monotony of so many poems, that too all about pain and sorrow :P I'm not as emo as I sound. I'm a very happy person, alhamdullilah, I just have my ways of expressing joy. Oh by the way, I tried writing something really dumb, let me just paste it here at the end:

I dug a tiny hole,
I buried myself in it,
deeper and deeper,
until I had no doubt
that anyone would pull me out.

I caked the opening with mud,
with silt, with concrete,
then I used the stick of fate,
to tap it dry and neat.

Nobody had to know what lay,
under the layers of clay,
it could be a very dark past,
or a life that had ended too fast.

As the winds blow the dust away,
I add a few tears to wet the sandy clay,
I watch the frays of secrets peeking,
the remnants of what my heart was seeking.

I use a few pebbles to line the site,
of shattered dreams and sleepless nights,
of so many regrets and endless passions,
of lack of hope and absence of compassion.

It's still a little incomplete, but I'm very out of ideas at the moment, so I will add to it later.

Enough said.

Self-Deceptions.

If I were to introduce myself I don't know what I'd say.
I'd call myself a dreamer, an idealist, a product of clay.
I'd have to scratch my head to find a word that would,
describe me so fully, as no other word could.
Maybe I'm a thinker? The profoundest one around,
or maybe I'm just an illusion in the dark surround.
Wait, I might be a complicated series of mazes too,
with twists and turns deep inside myself so true.
You could say I'm a bird with a lost set of wings,
or a nightingale with no talent to sing.
I could be a wrecked ship on the shores of fate.
or I could be a fragile shadow, waiting to fade.
Maybe I'm just another drop in the ocean,
or maybe I'm a lot more, like a tide in motion.
Sometimes I see myself as a shooting star,
a faraway planet or a whole galaxy so far.
Maybe I'm just another fish out of water,
or maybe I'm just a bunch of ashes, left to scatter.
I'm just a this song that yearns to speak,
a speck of sand lost among world's golden streaks.
I'm a strand of the silken threads spun of gold,
I'm one of those forlorn stories, seldom told.
I maybe the color of henna on a bride's palm,
or merely another mirage of titular calm.
The more I think, the more I believe,
I'm just another nobody, who am I trying to deceive.

Epiphany.

As I walked through rain today, I realized,
that every little drop had something to say,
it wanted to rest on my brow, then on my cheek,
it wanted to dance in front of my eyes throughout the day.

Every step into a puddle, sent a spiral of rings,
for every little splash, my heart just wanted to sing,
the clouds seemed to smile, the droplets celebrate,
today I had no worries about the mysteries of my fate.

When the leaves bent under the weight of dew,
the air smelled fresher, every breath so new,
I wanted to close my eyes and feel the breeze,
I wanted to sprout wings and fly with ease.

As the droplets soaked me through and through,
I felt like a swan in the waters deep blue,
when my spread palms were greeted by rains,
I knew I could let go of all the strains.

I wanted to jump into puddles, fling mud around,
I wanted to touch the sky, lift my feet up the ground,
I wanted to pinch the clouds, dance in the rain,
I wanted to forget the tears, bid farewell to pain.
I wanted to arrange the rain drops on my lashes,
I wanted to kill the flame, scatter the ashes.

I looked up the sky and smiled at the clouds,
today things were clear, there wasn't a single doubt.
I didn't want the sun to come out, I liked the gloom,
it felt like the world had finally given me some room.

I stretched my arms and lifted my face,
each little drop gifting me with so much solace.
I squinted my eyes as the drops fell one by one,
the lands of my heart were no longer barren.

In Hiding.

There's so much more to us,
than blood, flesh and bones.
There are hidden alleys,
there are very dark zones.

there's a heart that beats pain,
pumping agony through our veins.
then there's a mind perched on top,
churning thoughts and feelings non-stop.

be it blue, black or hazel eyes,
they are hiding the deepest lies,
lips maybe full or very thin,
but they hide dark secrets within.

hands clenched into tight fists,
unseen gashes adorning our wrists,
wells of tears set beneath our lashes,
our rusty soul each droplet washes.

ears yearning to hear some tune,
but alas, there's nothing but gloom.
our head dies to lean on someone's shoulder,
nights turn longer and winters even colder.

each glance around is just futile,
all is lost that was once worthwhile.
when barren trees blankly stare back,
i'm reminded of all that i really lack.

my eyes, my mind, my heart,
everything just breaks apart,
my soul, my cries, my tears,
at me everything seems to jeer.

when autumn leaves fall to the ground,
something in my chest abnormally pounds.
the skies want to rain on me,
but they don't know how it's to be so lonely.

when i set my eyes to the sun,
the rays shoot back at them like a gun,
blinding me through and through,
as if i'm the ill-fated one.

when the deepest fears lift their heads,
by underlying passions they are fed.
the darkest secrets come alive,
they burn, they rot, they deprive.

when i sit down under a shady tree,
to ponder about my forlorn life,
i'm left to fight a never-ending fight,
it's me against life together in strife.

In Love with a Serpent

i'm in love with a serpent,
he forms a noose around me,
as precious as a gold pendant,
he makes me love so deeply.

when i plunge into marshes of sadness,
he's there to pull me out,
my heart fills with gladness,
i trust him without doubt.

when he stings at my heart,
i don't mind the scar,
when he hisses at me,
my eyes glow like a star.

when the scales pass over my skin,
they burn me till deep within,
when the fangs bury deep,
through my blood the poison seeps.

when he tightens around my neck,
i cry tears devoid of regret,
as my skin turns a blue,
death is near i knew.

i knew, when our eyes met,
there was nothing i'd get,
since he was the serpent,
i was just prey,
flesh left and no breath remained,
my body had just then turned gray.

Rest in peace read my grave,
I was someone my love failed to save.

Flash Backs.

I was searching through my 0ld files and suddenly came across a very old 'introduction' that I had written for myself to put up on my orkut profile back in 2005, when I was 15 years old. It brought back so many memories :P gosh, our lives revolved around orkut and all the gossip oozed out of people's scrapbooks- we'd come to know who's going out with who, who someone hates and all other kinds of shallow stuff. It's funny how some things from the past just make you laugh so much until you have tears in your eyes and trust me, this is one of those few things. Whenever I read it, it makes me feel how much I have changed as a person. I'm a totally new Sidra with patches of an older version...

I'm a very laid-back person, no high and mighty impressions, no sir. I love post its, they are like ALL over my books, my mirror, my bulletin board and my desk. And no, absolutely not the "heart" and "leaf" shaped ones; because I think they look gay. *screws face*.. I simply adore souvenirs- with those big slogans, make me feel a sense of achievement :P.. Dark colors totally intrigue me, bring me black, maroon, purple, brown, or you name it, and it's MINE!! :P.. I HATE coffee and I don't quite understand how people can take in such huge amounts of caffeine into their body everyday! *gasp* the very smell makes me gag. I can make the very small things matter and the very big things pushed away to a corner. I love criss-crossing dates on my calendars. I'm so not interested in the latest gadgets and technological advances UNLESS it's in the field of medicine and if there’s a new msn messenger in town.. *smirks*.. I love interacting with people, but there's this really fine line I've drawn that puts me at a safe distance. I am a major "man hater" :P.. I hate many people without any good reason, but that's me. I don't believe in role models or ideals, because everyone is destined to be someone different, not all of us can be Martin Luther King Jr. or Florence Nightingale, we do need some variety in this world. To me, change is important but not always welcome. I love a change in the form of a few strokes here and there, but major changes distress and disturb me, whether positive or negative. I don't understand what's so great about body piercing? They look freaky. *shudders* Ears are still okay. Friends make up a major chunk of my life; don't know how I'd live without them. I consider shopping a major sport and I happen to be an active player. People who hate life should be slapped hard across the face and thrown into the Pacific ! *hmph* Life is beautiful! I love living; the mere satisfaction that each breath brings along elevates all the stress and pressure around me. My mood drives me the whole day. My moods are very contagious, and I can send very strong vibes to the people around me. I sting, beware. If you're in my good books, then you’re lucky. If you're on my black list, then you’re still luckier. I try to help people as much as I can, but I don't know why I end up getting all "plastic-ky" in front of the ones I'm not that fond of. I don't mind if you hate me, I probably would beat you to it anyway. *sticks tongue out*. It may seem that I look very simple and straight-forward to understand, but mind you I have a whole world to myself on the inside. *tosses hair out of the way*. I can laugh on the lamest things ever, and the same applies on the crying part. In times of uncontrollable fury, I can go up to the extent of throwing things here and there, and screaming my lungs out at the person (victim) without a care in the world. So you better not go to my other side. I firmly believe that you make your own life; nobody can tell you how to live. Life goes on. It takes you along to places where you'd never even dream of going. I don’t understand "love", I think it just means that you get used to each other? There's no concept of "natural beauty” anymore, except maybe in places where they still respect the "Powhatan Confederacy". Politics is interesting. It's the 'dirty-ness' about it that makes things spicier. If you want to show me airs and your attitude, then sure do. I don’t give. If life were all about minding your own business, there would be no news. This is not an opinion, but a fact. I don't like being nosy, but I don't mind being updated with the going-ons. I’d love to learn everything about everything. I'd love to write a whole book on my life- an autobiography. I rock at screwing things up in seconds. *snaps fingers*. I am in love with myself, so it gets a little hard for me to love people around me. But I'm not a hag, at least that's not what I feel. *raises eyebrow*

~Oh yes, even if you read this entire “mother-of-an-about-me”, you still don't know a LOT about me.~

Wait.

We are all waiting,
for a miracle, for a day,
for some magic, for a ray.
In the end we're all waiting.

We crave for a sign,
we yearn for a change,
we struggle against our fate,
in the end, all we do is wait.

We wait for a tomorrow,
we wait for next year,
sometimes we wait for decades,
everything a distance, nothing's near.
Trapped we are, there's no open gate,
in the end, all we do is wait.

We wait for rains,
we wait for people,
we wait for healing of the pain,
All love is lost, all that's left is hate.
in the end, all we do is wait.

Tears wait to be wiped,
eyes wait to see,
lips wait to speak,
but the wait gets so deadly,
Comfort's gone, only pains remain,
in the end, all we do is wait.

Sparks of Sorrow.

Sometimes words are just not enough. Even when you pick up the dictionary, you fail to find words that would aptly describe the pain, the happiness, the emotion that you're walking through in life. I'm thinking too much these days. I even fail to keep proper track of what I am really thinking about. My mind races from one thought to the next, skipping and jumping from one issue towards another, like a blue spark making its way across an old copper wire...There are knots and twists in the way...the spark fizzes, protests against the obstruction and then just goes out. Another spark, another channel, another hurdle and another death of yet another thought process...it's just a vicious cycle. Here I am resting my chin on my knee and typing away the most random things that are plaguing my mind. I feel like running off somewhere, a place where I would see nobody, just a few people who I really wanted around me. I want to blank out, start anew. I just don't know what I want to do. Where do I go from here? Do I walk ahead, do I take a step behind...I'm just walking around in intricate circles of fears and obsessions. I want to move ahead, but I mentally walked ten steps back for every one step ahead. The remaining nine steps are either too shaky or too dainty to be counted. Tired and beat, I just collapse where I am and admit defeat as my destiny, my fate. I can hear tiny explosions at the back of my mind, one after another. I think to myself about what I am doing here? Do I even matter? Does my presence count? Does my absence matter? I feel so much that words fail to convey. Scabs peel off, wounds open, cuts gash with blood, I feel like everything's in rewind mode. I'm walking back slowly on the sands of time, each step fitting into an old footprint on the shore. The sun rises, sets, rises yet again...and then the waters swallow the sun into them and I'm left alone in the darkness to cry myself to calm.

Roll of Thunder, Hear my Cry.

if tears could talk, i'd go deaf.
if love could drown, i'd be dead.
if happiness could fly, i'd be alone,
if pain was wax, i'd be all made of stone.

if scars would bleed, i'd be a fountain,
if sorrows could grow, i'd be a mountain,
if feelings could die, i'd be hollow,
if life could bounce, i'd just be a yoyo.

if distance could fold, i'd be so near,
if the night sky would glow, i'd have no fear,
if the sky could shelter, i'd have a haven,
if the sands could hold on, i'd have a cushion.

if dreams could fly, i'd be so free,
if obsessions could rot, i'd be merry,
if fears could sleep, i'd be so happy,
if sobs could lull, i'd be so groggy.

I'm in a weird mood today. I wonder why. I don't think I know the reason myself. sighs. I had an amazing weekends, details of which I will publish whenever I get the time [the entry's still incomplete]. I talked to my brother on the phone today, it felt like I hadn't talked to him in ages. Each detail he told me about his senior year reminded me of my time, 2008, now known as "last year". My instructor didn't know why zonula occudens were continuous in the brain vessels and not in other blood vessels, but I knew. So I felt a little smart for a change. Two three days ago I knew what SIDS stood for, "Sudden Infant Death Syndrome"..another self-placed feather to my hat. As usual, I fail to understand people. I tell myself not to think about them, yet I'm so unable to let go and busy myself in other things.I'm still very much the same 'Sidra Chaudhry' and yet so different. I miss my oldself and sometimes I yearn to change. I'm parked in the wrong lane in the wrong place maybe? I don't want to think too much, so I will stop right here.

In Life.

you meet with people,
you don't like.
you live with things,
you don't want.
you feel the vibe,
you don't want to feel.
you run the mile,
you don't want to run.
you fight yourself,
you don't win.
you plaster a smile,
you don't feel.
you say a word,
you don't mean.
you save a life,
you don't love.
you survive events,
you don't dwell.
you see the skies,
you don't fly.
you dream dreams,
you never knew.
you reach places,
you never thought.
you walk alone,
you never realize.
you say the truth,
you brood a lie.
you talk to me,
you never smile.
you walk with me,
you never see.
you feel the pain,
you never had.
you feel the need,
you never felt.
you need to know,
you had to know.
you drown in oceans,
you never swam.
you reach the skies,
you never saw.
you see the horizon,
you never witnessed.
and.. you know..
you told stories,
you never lived.

Escapades.

I want to bang my head against familiar walls,
for this darkness has bore into the crevices of my mind,
sucked me dry and worthless,
left me alone and so far behind.

I want to walk down familiar lanes,
for my feet have betrayed me in all directions,
abandoned me to lament over losses,
bundled in chaos and misconceptions.

I want to cut myself with familiar blades,
for my blood has frozen in this cold,
taken the life out of me,
tossed me about barren and old.

I want to cry over familiar pains,
for my sadness and gloom laugh at me,
strip my peace, cut me open every time,
drown me in a tear-filled sea.

I want to run to familiar faces,
for every face mocks and jeers,
burns me deep inside,
aggrevates my deepest fears.

I want to hear familiar sounds,
for every sound hurts like noise,
all my dreams have been shattered,
one by one like the cheapest toys.

I want to lean against familiar walls,
for every wall is just another illusion,
every push and shove is part of destiny,
there's an endless isolation.

I Miss.

I miss being crazy,
I miss being wild,
I miss scraped knees,
I miss being a child.

I miss the sticky candy,
I miss the pretty dolls,
I miss the sound of rattles,
I miss the late night calls.

I miss sitting in the shade,
I miss staring at the sky,
I miss the stories you told,
I miss how days would go by.

I miss kneeling on the cold floor,
I miss watching it snow,
I miss listening to the breeze,
I miss seeing the stars glow.

I miss all the hugs,
I miss the keep-sakes,
I miss the successes,
I miss the mistakes.

I miss waiting in the rain,
I miss wandering around,
I miss listening to the silence,
I miss each and every sound.

I miss the old times,
I miss the old days,
I miss the sweet clouds,
I miss the golden rains.

[To be added to, later, Insh'Allah]

Burn. Rot. Die.

Ever since yesterday, I have been feeling like I'm viewed as a larger than life cynic. I screwed my face up and tried to think. Was I too over-analytical? Too cynical? Too over-logical? Too hypersensitive? Am I slowly turning into a hermit? I hope not! I suddenly feel that my blog entries are becoming a little too monotonous. They are all full of rants about people, life, places, things...I need to add a spice to it all. But then I'm not trying to please an audience or am I ? People hardly visit this place, which has both its pros and cons. :) But I do want to thank the people who take their precious time to look through my gibberish. It takes a lot of courage and patience to sit down and tolerate someone's thoughts. Changing tracks, I was feeling really grumpy today for no specific reason. I bit my tongue while trying to eat seekh kababs and that became a trigger. I don't know what happened to me, but I just broke down. Okay, I'm not abnormal, my tongue isn't directly connected to my nervous system via a portal emotional circulation route or something. I guess I was just looking for a reason to cry since yesterday. I was trying to hold so much within and then suddenly it all came pouring out, not verbally though. I didn't want to speak, I was suddenly fed up of words and sentences. I just wanted to go and sit in a corner quietly and SULK. I sat in front of the heater in my room and stared intensely at the orange illuminance. I stared and stared until I felt the heat burning into my face. I imagined burning all those people and thoughts in the intensity of this heat, that were bugging me so much. Burn. Rot. Die. The three words just kept circling in my head as each person's face came up in front of my eyes. I cried for the first time after college started. I felt each tear melt into my skin with the wave of intense heat that was penetrating and tingling my skin. I felt like my mind was on fire and everything seemed to be fanning the flames. I don't know what my eyes were doing though- trying to extinguish the flames or just add to them. I wanted to leave this place with all its drama and run back to my familiar faces, the warm land, to the place where my heart dwelled, where I could relate to people, where there was no drama, where guys didn't get hormonal imbalances when they associated with girls, where girls had more to talk about other than the girl sitting beside them. I didn't want to stop crying, I just wanted to detox myself. Wash away the filth I was walking through, get it out of my system. I rubbed at my eyes with the sleeves of my sweater and put my head on my knees...I wanted to gather all the strength I had..somehow...I had to look into the eyes of demons, strangle weeds of estrangement, stomp the attitudes and ego I was being subjected to..I decided, I had to do a lot.

Mental Gutters.

Today was a good day. In fact, it was amazing. Before I get too carried away with praising my day to the skies, let me break the news as to "why" exactly my day was so good. Amir, Hibah, Samir and Hamza Haneef met up in Saudi and all of them called me up. It was so nice to hear all their voices in one go, without having to sign into msn or yahoo to talk to them all! The joy had a high of its own. At a point, I could feel tears welling into my eyes, but I didn't want tears to dampen my happiness at that point. I yearned to fly off to Saudi at that very moment. I wanted to be in Hibah's lounge, on the beige sofas, and curl up to the latest gossip and talk non-stop about people we all mutually hated, take pictures like no other and imitate all those we hated with a passion. And what's even more amazing is that AMIR, our good-for-nothing bacha, got into the army. lol. I'm happy for him, he really needed something to grip on. Umm, then SAAAD came online. lol. That was an unexpected "bonus", in his words. But it was nice, since I got to know that he's alive, just busy in the torrential amounts of final year blues. Then I am currently talking to Imad, my high school savior. I was just telling him how emotionally healthy I felt while talking to old friends and how it restored my mental strength. It's something too great for words. I yearned to graduate back in senior year...I wanted time to fly when I had to solve derivatives for calculus and now I look back and miss it all. So much drama, so much of scrutiny at every single step, so much of looking back and taking careful steps...What kind of theatrics is this? Sighs. Sometimes I feel our minds work like sewage systems..We all think about the crap in life. We try to filter it, make it seem pretty, try to look for ways to get through it, or sometimes just to go around it. Our cortical cells keep exerting themselves over the nonsensical people, things and places that make life seem a drag or a mental trauma, in spite of this realization, we still continue clogging our system with filth..so much so that the filth starts pouring out of ourselves, like old, busted, and blocked public gutters of Pakistan. What I mean to say is that we're all gutters at the end of the day. Our covers maybe be loose, tight, old or new, but we are all holding in something dark and ugly beneath it. We are open to cleaning, but it's not easy to change gutters into holy places of worship. It takes time and patience, two things that we all seldom have. We have a dark alley of twists and turns deep within us. Like veins churning out the blackest and darkest of things. There's so much to us that our "lid size" fails to convey. And we stay gutters our whole lives. The gutter next to us doesn't bother us- it had its own pipelines, clogging issues and such, we are only concerned about our share of filth- either when we are sucking it in or spewing it out. I don't work in a sewage company, I think I need to clarify that at this point. haha. I'm a first year medical school student and I have enough filth to pave my way through. Anyways, keeping the flow intact, lets just say that I feel like a cleaner gutter today! Alhamdullilah! :)

Gaza, in our hearts forever.

One bomb, two bombs,
a deadly silence,
followed by sobs.

A leg, an arm, an eye,
cut off, chopped, left to die.
A bullet from the right,
A missile from the left,
Dark and lonely, bloody nights.

625 children wounded,
Many women left to bleed,
Men being martyred,
only due to difference of creed?

Lakes of blood,
valleys of tears,
So much bloodshed,
nobody seeming to care?

A tank over someone's body,
A dagger through someone's skin,
Fire and flames surround Gaza,
from outside and within.

The children who once played,
their bodies now in coffins lay,
the toys that they had,
now lay broken in the sand.

The women sprawled all over,
blood gashing out of wounds,
sand acting like a gauze,
soaking blood for an eternal cause.

The rockets and grenades,
everyone hushed and afraid,
so much misery,
too hard to evade.

Peace pacts left to burn,
under the aggressor's lantern,
metal clashes with soul,
for calm everyone yearns.

It's an ugly battle of flags,
of wounds and deadly scars,
of truth and falsehood too,
It's right and wrong at war.

For each strike on their soul,
the oppressors will have to pay,
either in soul or spirit,
they shall never decay.

From Ramalah to the West Bank,
they will resist against every tank,
What's metallic mesh in front of solid soul?
Purging Gaza is their goal.

For each tiny cry that rose,
The sky will shower poison,
upon those who killed and looted,
they will be completely broken.

Defenseless we are not,
for our spirits reach the skies,
Don't think we're weak,
because of our cries.

The rain of those bullets,
storms of potent dynamites,
Shall not make us waver
out of fear or out of fright.

We know, God is by our side,
for He knows the faithful,
He will strike you down soon,
So you better be careful.

We form a fist of faith,
you will witness it soon,
We will strike every blow down,
Till golden sands turn maroon.


Speak up for the sake of humanity and morality in this world. Voice your support for the victims of Israeli oppression by visitng and joining the links given below. Make your voice heard and count. We are all part of one world, we want peace, harmony, love and brotherhood to flourish! For how long are we going to lament over losing loved ones due to politically-motivated heists? It's time to step up our efforts and unite to raise our voices against cruelty, injustice, falsehood, hypocrisy and oppression of all kinds and forms. Insh'Allah, truth will prevail over falsehood because falsehood by nature is bound to perish.


http://answer.pephost.org/site/PageServer?pagename=ANS_homepage
http://www.palestinecampaign.org/Index8b.asp?m_id=1&l1_id=3&l2_id=62
http://www.petitiononline.com/gaza2812/petition.html http://www.avaaz.org/en/gaza_time_for_peace/

Paki Landings.

Nov 18, 2008: During PIA flight to Lahore. 1:55 A.M Saudi time.

Sometimes you have to leave behind so much that even your memory falters to remember each and everything you have left behind…I think that’s what I am encountering at the moment…I thought my departure would be teary and depressing, but contrarily it wasn’t…Currently I am sitting with absolutely nothing to do…I have tried to busy myself in sorting out my wallet, but gave up when I mixed up Saudi and Pakistani currency…then I searched around to find something amusing and yes, I did find a lot of amusing “stuff”..including a lot of ignorant people, ugly and obnoxious children, desi men hitting on air hostesses, and single aunties who were busy attending their cell phones, while we were air-borne, in spite of the crew’s warning, rather than shutting their fugly kids up, who were literally fighting over seats and seat belts. One word, ANNOYING. If people can’t handle their kids, they shouldn’t have kids or they should leave them at home especially when traveling. I mean, as if the stale cabin air, the difference in cabin pressure, jet lag, leg cramps, nausea and homesickness aren’t enough issues to deal with! Just a few moments ago a lady left her few months old infant on the seat (without a seat belt) and went to the loo. What kind of an irresponsible attitude’s that? If the kid had fallen and injured himself, who’d she sue? The PIA staff? Then she comes back and orders this male flight attendant to boil water for her baby to make him a bottle. Ah..THE baby was such a freak, he always cried at the peak hours of my sleep and the mother failed to soothe him. Her attitude surprised me, I felt that two-three hours into the flight and she’d order the pilot to put the plane on auto and change her stupid baby’s diaper! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate kids, I just hate some kids and their weird parents! Especially those who wreck havoc around! After a meal of biryani by PIA, I don’t feel drowsy at all…the after taste of that food was enough to keep one awake for around forty-eight hours. There are no TV screens for each passenger, no headphones, and a very uninteresting map of the world on a small screen in front, which showed the location of the craft after every five minutes. BORING. I just noticed that in PIA, flight attendants fish for reasons to talk to passengers. It’s either because they are really dedicated towards their job or they are bored out of their minds. Sighs. Okay, the kids sitting on my right, on the aisle beside mine fought AGAIN. The dumb guy fought with his sister and is now bawling like a cow on a merry-go-round. The mother failed to do anything as usual and as expected. The flight attendant had to intervene to stop the stupid kids from killing each other. Wish we could drop these kids somewhere on the way…We are currently flying over the Gulf of Oman, so probably somewhere along the way we should push the kids through the windows…that is if the windows opened. The seat belt signs are going on and off a little too often, I’m guessing it’s the pilot’s son, who he forgot to arrange a babysitter for, who’s playing around with colorful buttons in the cockpit. I feel like sharing this doubt of mine with the aunty sitting on the right, I have this nasty urge to freak her out of her mind….

[to be continued, if I manage to find the air sickness bag behind which I had jotted all this down :)]

Better forgotten.

A very touching song by Noor Jehan, which I really felt like translating. Even though I'm sure I haven't done justice to the original Urdu lyrics, I wanted to share my lame attempt.

I'm glad that you forgot,
the love I had for you.
It was a mistake,
better forgotten, then begot.

I will convince myself,
that my foolish eyes were,
seeing meaningless dreams,
of me and thyself.
I lost you, everything too,
Only in my wildest dreams,
was everything mine.

I'm glad that you forgot,
the love I had for you.
It was a mistake,
better forgotten, then begot.

My heart's full of embers,
where'd flowers blossom?
We were always two sides of a river,
How'd we ever together come?

I'm glad that you forgot,
the love I had for you.
It was a mistake,
better forgotten, then begot.

Filth.

There's so much filth,
that it makes me gag,
so many jerks and losers,
so many rotten fags.

The above mentioned stanza aptly describes the "height" of frustration that I'm experiencing at the moment. The electricity's gone. It's 12:05 A.M and I was chatting with a bunch of friends until the light decided to go at the peak of conversation, but it's okay. The past two, three days have been surreal in all regards. My subjects are not as intimidating as yet, alhamdullilah, so I'm coping up just fine i.e academics isn't much of an issue. However, I am experiencing a lot of social ups and downs. I'm glad I befriended a lot of sane people, many of whom are pretty much as judgemental, big mouthed and foul mouthed as I am, myself :P I say this with awe. Trust me, it can be hard to find people who can tolerate your constant rants about this world and its people. On the other hand, I was hit by a faux pas like a cat ran over by a bicycle. The cat survives, but its fur comes off and it becomes all whiny and over-cautious about itself and its surrounding. Just like that. Coming from Saudi Arabia, a place that is viewed as "the" epitome of Islamic fundamentals and society, I never thought talking to the opposite gender was such a big step towards social suicide. I wasn't aware that each and every step of mine was being analyzed, each word was being dissected into letters, then syllables and then atoms, to fish out some scoop or the other to talk about over oily pasta and watery tea from the college canteen. But boy, oh, boy, little did I know. I'm sure if the concerned individuals, whoever they maybe read "boy, oh, boy", they might be thinking that I'm referring to my non-existent boyfriend, who probably calls me every night and sings me songs by Nur Jehan. I tell you, people here are very creative, they just need channels- be it big or small, or even someone's life. I'm at a point where I'm doubting the very purpose of friendship with just anyone. I'm not even sure whether I should talk to anyone except a few selected people. Should I hold a sign around my neck saying "Because so&so thinks this&that happened, I'm going to keep my mouth shut, my head down and keep doing my work?" That would be just too hard for a person like me to do. I'm sick in just a few days of the double-standards and downright bitchiness of people [regardless of gender]. It gets into me, like the smell of spoilt milk. It's that irritating. I don't want to waste my blog space over such rotten and deprived individuals in life. What they seek is attention, so why should I give it to them? They can rot in their fury, jealousy or whatever web of crap they are spinning up for others. I'm going to do my thing and do whatever I feel like doing without feeling apologetic about it. I'm answerable to none, only to Allah, Who knows what I am really upto. Gah, I'm glad it's a weekend..I really need time to unwind especially after doses of drama and so much work.

Disturbia.

No, this isn't about the Rihanna's new song. It's about major disturbance caused by certain people. I won't take names because I'm in no mood of jeopardizing my social survival in college, especially this early. I've seriously had it with people who have their brains hanging out of their mouth. Like seriously, why do certain 'individual's think that their intelligence will solely be measured by the length of their tongues and strength of their metallic vocal cords? Since I'm in medical school now and I'm being compelled to question and analyze even the most simplest things in life, for instance why is the glass resting on the table and why can't it be the table resting beneath the glass? Honestly, even if this absurd question were posed, people would be at the edge of their seats, literally falling off to answer this question according to what each of them interpret it as. Back to the topic at hand, peeps. Well, some people seem to exhibit an extreme bout of verbal diarrhea, since the only thing coming out of their mouths is shit and it's watery in consistency 'cause it NEVER fails to stop. While others have severe difficulty in controlling their deltoid muscles and that's why their hands are always up, even before the teacher finishes her questions. My college friends know who such "gifted" people are, so I don't need to elaborate much. SO, today was fun, INDEED. lol. [take note of how I emphasized on SO and INDEED]...I sat down with another set of people, who ended up becoming such amazing buddies! It's sometimes really interesting to see how we all are so similar at a certain level. We hate on the same set of people, we like some, we are judgemental and we are opinionated, but we are not apologetic about it and that's ALL that matters. I'm not justifying "hatred", what I mean is that sometimes it's the reason behind the feeling that needs to be considered as well. Anyways, enough of obsessing over totally worthless morons. I've developed an affinity for the sandwiches and shawarma in my college cafteria and I have it almost daily. This week was so freaking stressful. I was in a knee-high pile of crap. Biochemistry blue, physio fiascos and histo hues, what more can you ask for? I even dreamt about studying for a physio SGD, it has become THAT intense now. But I'm enjoying it, alhamdullilah. So far, so good. The second years just recently got their first year results and it was quite a sight to watch. I saw people crying with joy and sorrow and made "me" feel so emotional for some random reason. I thought to myself about how my time will come too, how I will be trying to calm my beating heart and dry my sweaty palms to beat the tension before my results come out. But insh'Allah all will go well, I'm sure. I have faith. *smiiiiile* These days I really feel that I talk a little too much and that I need to tighten my mandibular screws a little bit, they are TOO loose. Hina, one of my high school friends, called me from Lahore and out of the 22 minute phone call, I only allowed her to talk about 5 minutes. lol. I'm turning into a hollow vessel, making too much noise. lol. I remember how our fifth grade science substitute wrote this on the chalk board when we were making too much noises and how we all mocked at the the saying by calling "vessels", "veZZles". God, I always go into flashbacks. I'm so glad it's a weekend, I get to sleep, procrastinate and come online for sometime. Using the internet has naturally gone out of my routines. I'd rather catch up on my sleep than do anything else. I've become too lazy to reply to people's wall posts on facebook too.I went to Jinnah Super directly after college and MAAAAAN, it was fun. I got the chance to visit Saeed Book Bank and I remember Naseeha mentioning it once. It was amazing. I saw the Pakistani fashion designer Rizwan Beyg there too!

Changing tracks, 2009's already here and it's a little astonishing because I used to always check out product expiry dates and just reading off "2009" on them would be okay and I'd easily toss them into my cart and now 2009 was looking at me in the eye. This February, I turn 19, just a year away from stepping out of my teen life, this June- my younger brother graduates from high school and starts college, insh'Allah. So many firsts and so many things waiting in the pipeline. I was just so sick of new year smses! They kept disturbing me through out, even when my cell was just on vibration. Ughhhies. The End.