Summer.Oh.Nine.

1,2,3..breaaaaaaaaaathe.
3,4,5..breaaaaaaaaaathe.
5,6,7..breaaaaaaaaaathe.
7,8,9..breaaaaaaaaaathe.

Doesn't work. So much. So much. So much going on in my small little head. I don't even know what to say or how to say it. Organic or inorganic cause, there is a cause and I fail to spot it. Yes, yes crazy much. People crave for summer breaks and here I am doing absolutely nothing expect oh, oh, oh washing dishes, cleaning up the house, refreshing Facebook homepages again and again, and sleeping to keep myself from slipping into depression. Vottay vacation! :)
Gibberish, gibberish, gibberish. Trash, kachra, garbage. That's just how trains of thoughts are. Continuous, flowing like mud from neuron to neuron. Sometimes collecting in a space, a cranial sinus maybe, clogging up the flow. Sedimenting. Sucking. Silently killing a few neurons. *dishum, dishum* those neural shot guns are working again! Slivers of silver and blue sparks amongst the mud, the ultimate 'good guys' make holes in the thick layer of muddy, creepy, slimy goo. The voids keep getting bigger and bigger. Until...voila! The mud's no more than very small segments of clay floating around in cerebrospinal fluid, waiting for favorable conditions again. I swear, I'm not bipolar, just very very very 'I don't know'. =)

Summer.Bummer.
Bummer.Summer.

Lets try agaaaain, Sidra.

1,2,3..breaaaaaaaaaathe.
3,4,5..breaaaaaaaaaathe.
5,6,7..breaaaaaaaaaathe.
7,8,9..breaaaaaaaaaathe.

Still doesn't work.

:)

Very Small Wonders.

The weather's so amazing. Rain, thunder, strong cool winds, and more rain. The only ugly thing's the test I have tomorrow. I woke up at 12 today after such a long, long time. It felt very weird. Well, I had slept at 4 AM, so that explained the late start of the day. After wasting a lot of time, I finally forced myself to review anatomy. I guess God rewarded me with the awesome weather later. It started off with just a very gloomy sky, lots of clouds and then I heard my mom complain about how the laundry would all go wet under the rain. At first I just watched the drops cautiously from my window. Then I decided to open the door to the verandah, just to stand there and listen to the rain slap against the tiled floor. Then I decided to pull of the laundry off my balcony, just the excuse I needed to get out. I ran out, yanked the bed linens, the freshly hung clothes off the line, taking my own sweet time. I was in no hurry to get back in. But eventually I had to. But seriously, what an experience it was. I just wanted to stand in the middle of the rain, let it do its work. Wash off every bit of stupidity and frustrations off me. I wanted to experience getting wet to the very core of my being. I wanted to do the bhangra on my terrace. lol. This kind of weather NEVER made me want to study. I felt like calling up a friend, or no, I felt like eating chocolate cake. I didn't know what I really wanted to do, but I was just so overwhelmed by the sudden rain. I thanked the Lord that I wasn't expecting any guests today. Yesterday was crazy, but still fun. My second grader and sixth grader cousins came over to visit their Sidra apa. What an evening it was. They wanted to play "beauty salon" and "doctor, doctor" with me. First they used my limited make up stock to make me look like a "I don't know what". Minahil thought that by drawing three dots at the ends of my eyes, I'd look very "pyaari". According to Amina, I should leave my hair loose in the icky summer heat because I looked better that way. Then they both fought over who'd put lipgloss on me. So finally I had to intervene to sort the feud amicably. Amina would put it on my upper lip and Minahil would do my lower lip. Then after this "cake-up" session was over, Minahil spotted my mom's stethoscope and declared that she wanted to play "doctor". I was made the sick patient, while Amina and Minahil diagnosed me with a disease that nobody had the cure to except them. I was ordered to drink milk three times a day with panadol and 5 strepsils after every meal. lol. As we were busy playing doctor, Rida my 3 year old cousin and also Amina's little sister started crying because we weren't letting her fool around with the stethoscope. I was always very bad with calming kids down. I tried to pacify her, but then just gave up. She continued whining and out of utmost frustration I told her that my anatomy instructors in college were looking for crybabies to inject them with this new drug, which tickled them so much that they kept laughing for no reason. Thank God, she believed me. lol. I felt evil, but anything to get a kid from crying. Anyways, I'm just going to shut up. I have nothing more to add, plus it's getting late and I have a test tomorrow and I'm a little nervous. Insh'Allah, it should go well.=)

Fifty.

1. I suck at looking composed. If it's there, it’s on my face, period.

2. I love collecting memorabilia- broken glasses, empty ink pens, signed tissue papers, cards, bookmarks, whatever, I like storing it all.

3. I still wear my fourth grade watch with pride.

4. I hate smoking with a passion and can’t stand it at all.

5. I hate almost everyone at first before starting to like them.

6. I don’t know anything about music, I just listen to whatever I want, so never ask me about my favorite band or singer, I don’t know any names or songs.

7. When I was young, I used to inject orange juice into my soft toys.

8. I fear stagnation- physical, mental, emotional, intellectual, whatever kind.

9. Loss of control and helplessness scares me too.

10. To me, every moment is a memory and every second is history in the making.

11. I love having heart-to-heart conversations with people, it helps me get to know myself and of course the other person.

12. In my opinion, crying on someone’s shoulder is the best way to detox yourself.

13. I love talking to myself; only I can tolerate my stories.

14. I wanted to be the prime minister of Pakistan when I was in second grade.

15. I really want to write an autobiography.

16. I love letters and emails. They make me feel so very loved.

17. Photography isn’t a hobby, it’s a lifestyle.

18. I can go hungry for more than 12 hours without feeling a thing.

19. I hate coffee; the mere smell makes me gag.

20. I often make a very big fool out of myself.

21. I love reminiscing about the old days.

22. I feel too blessed to be true at times, alhamdullilah.

23. I experience sudden outbursts of creativity oozing out of myself.

24. I give off very strong vibes.

25. Shopping is an amazing analgesic.

26. I hate getting late to any place, even a family dinner for that matter.

27. I hate tablets. They should have syrups for every illness in the world. Panadol always gets stuck in my throat and I have to break it into half to ingest it. Yes, I know I'm emo.

28. I fear pain a LOT.

29. I love spending time with myself.

30. I'm a walking-and-talking disaster.

31. I can be extremely shy that I often amaze myself.

32. I try to be extra-nice to those I hate, I don't know why.

33. My definition of a good day is when you have tears in your eyes from all the bouts of laughter.

34. My parents are my hommies. lol.

35. I often don't see the 'point' in things.

36. I love walking in the rain.

37. I love falling asleep while listening to the rain outside my window.

38. I take people a little too seriously.

39. My revenge goes as far as blocking and deleting a person from my msn and/or Facebook :P

40. I enjoy shopping for cleaning agents/detergents.

41. My favorite chore is washing dishes. I swear, I'm serious.

42. I can't ignore. I simply can't. Especially people.

43. I experience mood crashes.

44. I'm quick to judge and quick to change my judgement too.

45. Everything and everyone has the potential to irritate me.

46. It's easier for me to express my hatred for someone rather than my love for them.

47. I wish I had the power to "tune" things out.

48. It would be so cool if we had a "Ctrl + Z" in life.

49. I either talk too much or not at all. There's no middle way to it.

50. You still don't know so much about me. :)

Blah.

Today was an 'okay' day, did nothing special, except maybe eat chana chat with crisps sprinkled all over it. There's so much to do, so much to study, I have a block assessment coming up soon, I'm a little nervous, but I don't know why I just can't get myself to study. I literally have to drag myself to my books. =/ And I seriously don't know what's so wrong with me these. I know there is "something", but I just can't put a finger on it. I'm writing too many poems, I feel like a factory more than anything else. Thanks to someone, I hate the word "poetess" with a passion. It makes me feel like some old and haggard 100 year old woman walking with a stick and scribbling on clay tablets about her feelings. Ick. Changing tracks, studying embryology makes me feel like a little miracle. There are around 165784365436 things that can go wrong in the womb. Alhamdullilah, we all need to learn to be so much more grateful. I don't have much to say, but I wanted to cut the monotony of so many poems, that too all about pain and sorrow :P I'm not as emo as I sound. I'm a very happy person, alhamdullilah, I just have my ways of expressing joy. Oh by the way, I tried writing something really dumb, let me just paste it here at the end:

I dug a tiny hole,
I buried myself in it,
deeper and deeper,
until I had no doubt
that anyone would pull me out.

I caked the opening with mud,
with silt, with concrete,
then I used the stick of fate,
to tap it dry and neat.

Nobody had to know what lay,
under the layers of clay,
it could be a very dark past,
or a life that had ended too fast.

As the winds blow the dust away,
I add a few tears to wet the sandy clay,
I watch the frays of secrets peeking,
the remnants of what my heart was seeking.

I use a few pebbles to line the site,
of shattered dreams and sleepless nights,
of so many regrets and endless passions,
of lack of hope and absence of compassion.

It's still a little incomplete, but I'm very out of ideas at the moment, so I will add to it later.

Enough said.