Just another entry.

Currently I am listening to the title track of one of the biggest hits of Indian cinema, Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham (K3G). I'm sure to some of you, this title might be very familiar, it's more of a household name than a movie actually. This is one of my all-time favorite movies, the major reason being that this was one movie that I watched immediately after its release. I used to gloat about the fact that I am the first person to watch it so early, but later I was disappointed to know that I was about one of the first set of gazillion people who watched this flick as soon as it hit the cinemas. Lol. Talk about bursting bubbles. :P I always had a soft corner for Shahrukh Khan and this movie just increased my fondness for him as an actor. *blush* I'm going to be very honest over here that my favorite scene throughout the whole 129 minutes of running time was when Shahrukh Khan comes back from university, steps off the helicopter and runs to his mom! :P I don't know why I'm even discussing about this film today! It's just a random start to one of my many pointless blog entries. So anyways, today was cool. Why you ask? Because I talked to Anam for around 30 minutes! We gossiped, laughed and shared lame jokes as usual. Talking to old friends always makes my day! It makes me feel so grounded and so secure, actually "warm" is the right term. I also finally got the privilege of talking to Madamoiselle Naseeha Musheer, who took out some time for me from her "oh-so-busy" life. Then I also got some time to catch up with Needz (haha. Nida, I mean :P) & Hibah as well and Samir too! So, I got some time to catch up with many of my close friends, which was truly amazing. :) Haha, right now, I'm in a very whacko joint-conversation with Samir and Hibah. It's hilarious the way they both pick at each other and crack such ridiculous jokes about each other and others. Lol. They are both busy hooking up each one of us. haha. They are currently contemplating on who's going to hook up with me. Both of them are always all hooked and booked, I wish I could take names of 'THE' chosen ones, but unfortunately I can't make the names too public. Lol. I'm so sleepy and tired, thanks to the intense shopping I did today early in the morning, but I don't feel like abandoning the conversation at such peak levels of hilarity :P Okay, we just decided to play a prank on someone. We're evil people. Lol. Whenever the two are together, Barf and Bengal Tiger are two topics that never seem too old or too boring to discuss. :P

Anyways, I'm ending this. Just wanted to add another random update. After all, I didn't want my blog to be rusting with dullness.

Sayonara!

Talk Shawk with Ms. Satti

Calling Anam is one of my favorite pastimes. We literally spent 85 % of our time giggling and laughing non-stop at such lame stuff. I talked to her today after such a long time and we had one of our "capital talks".. haha. 'Capital talk' refers to serious analysis of the latest scoops in town, national and international level. She updated me about her Pak Studies exam fiasco, how she didn't know that "so much" had happened before Pakistan came into existence, when Mohd Ali Jinnah was born, and how she needed tutorials for this subject from her friends. Then I updated her about Saudi, bursting into sudden giggles in between as we commented on people and hot gossip. Although I wrote an entry just a few minutes ago, I felt the need to writing this one too. lol. My Anam deserves some importance! I told her how someone had put me on limited profile on facebook, so that I could only access her photos, which were obvious proof that extraterrestrial species do exist. I updated her about how much fun it was to see Hibah after five long months in Saudi. It was amazing. Lol. She told me she might leave Islamabad and convince her parents to send her to England or the States, but I'm going to tie her to the Pakistan Monument in Islamabad if she tries to run away. Lol. I'm not letting her leave. Insh'Allah :P While we talked I could hear her cell phone beep frequently at the back as people send her messages, I was wondering if Anam had already mesmerized Islamabad to dance around to her tunes. haha. I don't know how a ten-minute phone call could send me into fits of laughter, but you know what, it did. :P

Anyways, I'm going to end this. This was so not planned. :P

Of Magic & Mania.

I've been relocated, that's the reason behind the major gap between my entries. I'm here in Lahore right now and things have taken a 180 degree turn. I'm seeing things so differently now. Pakistan's no longer just a 'vacationing spot', it's 'home' now, or at least it's supposed to be. While I was on my plane to Lahore, I chalked out a whole outline for another blog entry, it's still on the back of an old prescription, insh'Allah it will be up soon! I won't say much about it because I think the entry will be self-explanatory and I don't want to give away hints in advance. Anyways, Lahore's just freezing, it's 7 degrees outside! I know this may not qualify as "cold" or as "winter" to most people, but trust me, coming from Saudi, this is FREEZING! One of my classmates from college told me, "To wait." According to him, Islamabad would be way colder. *shudders*

Changing tracks, we are currently busy selecting furniture, brainstorming over color schemes, thinking about what to buy and what not to buy. I'm busy squandering over what kind of dresses I want to get for myself. I don't want to look like a FOB in college or a "geek" as some people already called me before even meeting me in person. lol. Won't take any names. Today I went to the area about King Edward Medical University, it's called Anarkali. It happens to be one of the oldest bazaars of Asia. Since it's located near the very old and prime portion of Lahore, it's importance is undeniable. It is virtually impossible to find a decent parking space there especially on a Saturday morning. We made our way through the narrow brick-built streets laden with dust and pebbles. Street vendors adorned the medieval archways with all kind of goods- dry fruits, leather goods, posters, crocheted clothes, used scrap and what-not. We first stopped at Punjab Surgical, where we bought my labcoats. As I tried my labcoat on, I could see the pride in my mother's eyes as she helped me into it. It felt like I was being coronated at a white coat ceremony. I'm sure she felt like she was passing on the tradition to me. It was an amazing moment. Then we made our way to Union Books, the small corner shop which was literally a treasury of medical books of all kinds, foreign and local editions. I was surprised to see that one book could have so many different versions, each version to suite a different taste. It was such a small space and I just couldn't imagine how so many books could fit into such a small area, and how the two shopkeepers could find the needed books in a haphazard mountain of books. Pakistan's a surreal place I tell you. I saw so many people crowding around the mini-counter, each one of them asking for undergraduate or postgraduate books, someone wanted Snell's anatomy, another wanted Guyton's Physiology, someone else wanted B.D Churasia to study Upper and Lower limbs. I left my mother to decide which books to buy from the long list a generous senior had given to me, while I busied myself in observing my surroundings...I saw two tailors adjacent to the bookstore. Both of them sitting in the middle of the street on raised wooden platforms, which seemed so flabby, yet had the ability to withstand their weights. They were busy stitching, what seemed to be velvet coats to cater to the raising demands of winter clothes. I saw a display of different pairs of jeans adorning the walls and ceilings of another shop. A little away from the bookstore was a cafeteria, full of crisps, juices, and other reasonably priced eatables. I felt like I had just stepped into a never-ending whirlpool of life...There was so much around to absorb. Colorful people, things, places...It seemed all so unreal. As I carried the massive medical text books to the car, I could feel each of my muscles eager to get used to the great new responsibility on my shoulders now. I had to carry a beacon forward. I had to do so much. Grow, explore, discover. Insh'Allah. :)

I'm loving it all and it's all because of Allah. I can never thank You enough. Never, ever. Even if I scoop myself inside out. Alhamdullilah.

Layers.

We all have so much covered,

deep under our skins,

a heart of pounding flesh,

ugliest emotions buried within.

We smile and we laugh,

to hide the pains and tears,

a mask upon a mask,

not a single feeling's clear.

Faces say something,

souls all patchy and dry,

the heart says here's yet,

another reason to die.

The moisture in the eye,

the agony on the face,

the quivering of the lips,

the loss of all solace.

Beaching & Bitching.

My sleeping patterns are so bad! I slept for only six hours the night before because I was up talking to Nida and then busy baking cakes, chocolate & marble, which turned out to be sloppy looking, but tasted decent, thank God. As I was talking to Nida yesterday, I really felt my voice had changed so much! I could sense a very obvious "nasal twang" in my voice, it was freaky. I sounded like Himesh Reshammiya's rip off! I hope it's something temporary, not permanent damage sort of a thing. Changing tracks, we had this beach party today at ARAMCO beach and it made me miss Nida & Ayesha so much. The beach felt so empty without them. In the beginning I was too groggy to be enthusiastic about such trips, but then once we got there, we started wading in the COLD water and it was amazing. It felt super-cold in the beginning, but then we adjusted to the temperature and continued wading till very far away. I hadn't carried extra clothes, shoes, or an abaya with me, as usual because I had decided earlier that I wouldn't be going into water anyway, but once you get there you just can't resist the waters! I was being careful not to soak myself beyond hope, but then I was in water till a little above my knees! I had to borrow someone else's extra abaya, but unfortunately I couldn't get spare flip flops from anyone, so I took my beloved ballet flats into the murky sand and they got mutilated totally! I hope they fix themselves up somehow. Quite unexpectedly I met up with Kulsoom on the beach! It was so sudden, but it was cool too, because she updated me about her life post-engagement and briefed me about what she was upto all this time. We were so happy to see each other after 5 months! Towards the end I felt pretty nostalgic as I saw everyone winding up the dishes, the picnic mat and cleaning up the area, since this was almost a farewell party for me. I especially felt very sad when I had to say bye to Nida's family. They were literally like my biological uncle and aunt. I never left uneasy at their place, I just felt so welcome and warm there. =[ I missed Nida and Ayesha immensely too. I hope I get to see them all soon! Insh'Allah and may Allah bless them for all their love and kindness. I've known them for ten years now and it feels like forever now. Three days left till I fly to Pakistan and nostalgia's at its PEAK. I have so much to do and my emotions are playing hanky panky with me. At times I feel super-excited about what lays ahead in life for me and sometimes I feel so depressed about leaving behind so many things. It's all so nerve-wrecking. God, I need strength, lots of it, in heaps, in piles, in bulk. I'm hating on so many people these days and it's probably not even their fault, it's just that I'm too sentimental and sensitive these days. I'm a bag of emotions- all kinds of them, all bubbling and frothing forward. I've started listening to such sad songs, Keep Holding On by Avril, Bachpan by Kaavish, Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna, Show Me The Meaning by BSB, so on and so forth. I feel like a mini-Devdas for real. I'm going to meet Hibah on Sunday, Insh'Allah and I will probably meet Amir on Saturday, the stupid didn't get back to me yet. I swear, I feel like I'm going to end up crying like a lost kid when I see Hibah on Sunday and I'm going to cry like a retard in front of Anam too, that is when I see her in Islamabad. I just need a trigger, the rest's all there. The slightest stimulus and emotions will come pouring out in torrents. I know it.

PS- To all the people who don't bother keeping in touch with me anymore, who don't reply to my emails, messages or wall posts, I don't think I want to talk to you at all now. You can stay busy 24/7 for all that I care. This isn't for everyone, I'm sure the guilty party(ies) will know what I'm talking about.

Silhouette.

Hello? Are you talking to me?

Or is it a silhouette you're addressing?

Oh, I thought I was invisible.

I didn't know I wasn't.

That I shone like a beam.

That I was somebody to someone.

Oh, I'm flattered.

This seems so surreal.

Are you sure, it's me?

I don't believe it.

Maybe I will accept it,

sometime later, not now.

I'm just too scared.

All this is so profound.

From the depths of the sands,

Till the heights of the skies,

With every little wind,

A piece of my heart dies.

Is this true? I ask again.

I don't want to believe.

Sometimes, it's better to let go.

Not believing can be easier.

I stare at my palms,

the lines etched into my skin.

Zig and zag, Zag and Zig.

What do they say?

I don't think I believe them either.

Rant Spot.

Seriously, what the hell's with the world? I fail to understand the utter nonsense going on around at times. Sometimes I just feel that there's nothing wrong with anyone around me, but it's just me who's being too "senty". sighs. I was supposed to go to school today, but then I felt so feverish in the morning that I just couldn't muster up the strength to go to school after sleeping for just four hours and feeling like a dried up towel out of the tumbler. I feel so bad, I had literally announced that I'd be there today. gah, sucks. I hope I can make up for it tomorrow, insh'Allah. Today I received pictures of my new house in Islamabad. It was nice to see something concrete than just building vague images in my head and trying to base my imagination on word of mouth. I like the house, it's pretty. Alhamdullilah. I'm really excited, but then again there's this wave of depression about it too. I can't believe I'm leaving Saudi so soon. =[ I was out shopping for stationery today, picked up a few folders for myself and as I was wheeling my trolley around the same book shop where I had been shopping for the past three years, I just felt so depressed. I had never imagined that I'd relocate to Islamabad for college before as I had shopped for poster paper during my junior year at the store nor when I had come to shop for gel pens for my Urdu project back in grade 9. I don't know everything seems so surreal. One thing that I'm really looking forward to is meeting Kulsoom on Friday and Hibah on Sunday, insh'Allah. I just want to run to them and cry my ass off in front of them for some very random reason. For old times' sake, I guess. I think once I start college and get into this whole routine of medical school and Pakistani lifestyle I will have other things to think about rather than the past over and over again. All of my friends are off at their universities and colleges the worldover and pretty much everyone's busy with their lives, hence the "silence" when I message them on msn or write on their walls on facebook. It's a bit annoying, but then I'm glad that they have settled in smoothly in their colleges and universities. =] I just got my book list for Shifa, there are so many books! I don't know what to buy and what not to buy. It's a little nerve-wrecking. But I'm still looking forward to the whole Shifa experience, insh'Allah. I bought myself this really hot-looking anatomy atlas with life-size diagrams, it's amazing! I also got myself pathophysiology and simple physiology books, I'm really looking forward to studying them. I hope that my enthusiasm doesn't dampen due to internal or external causes :P insh'Allah.

Yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii [as the arabs say in times of utter shock or surprise or exasperation. lol], i feel like a torn bag of emotions. Ya Allah, fix me up. I need some urgent fixing. Lol.

Samir Peer, a peer indeed. :P

Today is November 10, 2008 and almost around a year ago, I befriended someone who was not my idea of an ideal “friend”. So Samir Peer came to my school leaving his amazing school back in Michigan. When he first came, I thought he was dumb to leave CK and come all the way here, then I came to know the “real thang”. So it has been a whole year since I came to know Mr. Samir Peer aka DJ Lard Ass, hence the blog entry. There are very few people in this world, who have the patience to listen to someone like me rant, bitch and whine about things I cannot change in life and Mr.Peer happens to be a few of them. I don’t want to make this sound like a recommendation letter, but seriously, I think God sent him to Saudi, just to provide me with a loyal set of ears. Whenever Abqaiq bored the crap out of him, which meant most of the times, he’d come online and just listen to me complain about the National Honor Society, about teachers, about school, about workload, then we’d have our “precious” CK Connection talks. It was hilarious, now when I think of it. I think I was one of the people who bugged him THE most. I made him proofread emails, analyze msn conversations, and read potent amounts of text. Lol. I’m so sorry Samir, I’ve been pretty hard on you. Gosh, remember the way we tormented Tausif during the science fair season for physics? We left him to clear up the entire mess in the lab! And of course, Arabic class, where you always made dog noises to make fun of Hibah! The high school bulletin titled, “High School Happenings” and our Hindi/Urdu translation of it into “Kuch Kuch Hota Hai”. The wild photo sessions when we received our gowns. Your random calculator art during physics class. Jane eyre-related experiences with J.Lo. The cheating in those fugly English literature sheets about the characters in Jane Eyre. And of course, who in the world can forget Macbeth! Haha. How you came all dressed up in a red tie to play Banquo and the play got cancelled. Lol. And the physics lab about friction where you, Fawzi and I were in a group and we just thought we’d lose our marbles finding the friction co-efficient. Discussing about CK again and again and remembering the old days. And how you introduced Snow Patrol something, something and “Hey There Delilah” to me for my emotional times. Haha. The meet ups at TGI Fridays and of course Starbucks. Horse fever, enough said. I have to mention that I’ve never seen a person like Samir, who actually measures the distance between his current location and the nearest bathroom before taking a shower. Lol. He’d prefer waiting over taking a longer route to the bathroom. Haha. One thing common between us was our skill for story-telling. Lol. CK stories never ended from your end and my rants and grudges never ended either. I think we both were desperate for attention. Lol. There’s so much stuff that I can’t even fit in here even if I really want. You’re prolly wondering why I wrote this, well, Samir, because I had a lot of free time in the land of the Saudis. Lol. No, on a more serious note, because I think after reading several pages of pure crap just because of my nagging, you deserve a public tribute. Lol. I promise, I will add to this later. Insh’Allah. This does not do you complete justice.

Thank you so very much for tolerating me. Please keep up the good work :P haha.

Hello? Counselor's Office.

So my trip to school today was very unique. Little did I know that I'd be made to substitute the counselor's secretary today. They didn't give me a very heavy job, I simply had to answer phone calls, note down messages, delivers memos and yeah, type out lists. It was interesting! It kinda made me realize how hard it is to handle such tasks, which we always took as granted. I never thought answering phone calls was my thing, but I managed pretty well. *gives herself a pat on the back* I was constantly shuffling between the High School office and the counselor's office to do their work and man, it was so much better than sitting at home and fretting over how college life in Pakistan's going to be like. Seriously, I'm stuck in a maze. I'm very excited about starting off with college and I have made a good amount of acquaintances as well, but there's still this "anxiety aspect" involved as well. I'm sure it's pretty natural, since I will be leaving Saudi after 18 years and settling into a totally new place, but still it's a little uncomfy. sighs. Insh'Allah, I hope things turn out well. Anyways, so I wanted to eat spring rolls from the canteen today, but sadly, I didn't get time off at all until I declared a "lunch break" for myself around the last period. But by then the canteen had been stripped clean off all the "good stuff" and I was left to suffice over a chicken burger. Sad, I tell you, since I had been craving oily spring rolls from the canteen eversince I got here. I'd dip them in pools of chilli sauce and ketchup and remember the old days when I used to burn my tongue so many times when I ate them in a hurry, my eyes would water and Anam would be handing me wads of tissue paper. Seriously, in a place like Saudi, all you do is think and think and think some more. Then you think that you've thought too much and you need to think about something else. The train of thoughts never leaves you. haha. So today while I was experiencing my school in a totally new light and remembering the old times, places, people and events, such random things took place. Today the first phone call I attended was from some person called, "Syed Ahmed". My grip on the receiver tightened further when I heard this call was from Jubail. I eyeballs almost popped when I heard that he wanted transcripts for his son, Saif, who studied in the school. But then before I went into shock, he told me that his son was in school in grades 9-11. I know this sounds very dumb, but if some people read, they will understand what I'm talking about. So, I met my teachers as usual and many students who saw me sitting at the secretary's place thought I had taken up the job permanently, haha. It was interesting seeing them react, wave through the glass, and smile at me early in the morning, I seriously felt important. I also wanted to meet my middle school teachers, but most of them were having classes whenever I went. Anyways, I always have tomorrow, insh'Allah. Oh by the way, the weather today was simply AMAZING. Sunny, with a cool breeze, just the way I love it. This kind of weather makes me want to take my laptop and sit under a palm tree and write away! The school grounds looked beautiful and I wanted to just click away, but I never really got the chance, I just had too much to do. Hopefully, tomorrow, insh'Allah, then I will try putting them up in here. I also need to learn to get around this web site, it's a little confusing for newbies like me. As I was writing this blog, my friend, Najwa called me from Doha Airport! The call meant a lot to me, even though it was a short one. All these gestures just make me to want to stay in Saudi, especially at this time of the year. The onset of Saudi winters just makes things around so much more romantic, magical, and adds to the already-bubbling nostalgia. This was the time of the year when we'd all get our wintery ward robes out, click pictures at all the random places in school, make plans and of course wait for our friends from around the world to assemble in here. Today when I was delivering memos from one class to another, I really longed for the time to return when we used to go late to class on purpose, fool around, make fun of people on our way and try to borrow books from others. While I was stuffing my face with a chicken burger, sitting in the empty activity center, watching the janitors clean up at the end of the day, I thought of calling Anam. Then I wasn't too sure about using a cell phone on school premises, although I was alumni, I wanted to follow school rules. lol. Going to school makes me feel so much better. It makes everything seem lighter and brighter, as if there's more to life than blood, saliva, stool and plasma. I sometimes wonder what would I do if I hadn't opted for medicine. I think I'd have probably gone into foreign affairs, since, as I always say, I have a big mouth and small ears, which I cover with two, three layers of fabric. Such people do qualify for such jobs, I think. I want to do so much in life, I sometimes wonder whether I will be able to do all that. I just hope, insh'Allah. Before this post gets longer and longer and more pointless than it already is, I think I need to end.

Go Figure.

So today was no different than any other day ever since I came from Pakistan on Oct 15. I woke up late, as usual. I surfed the net, as usual. Refreshed my facebook home page a gazzilion times, as usual. But what was unusual was the fact that I talked to Anam Satti using voice clips! Tadaa! It may sound totally absurd and dumb, but yes, it was an experience in itself. She'd record her "hello, hello" and I would be too lazy to reply back. And when I'd record a message, she wouldn't feel like talking to me. We were pretty much jobless. Besides this new venture of talking over voice clips, I packed our luggage for cargo. It was so freaking hectic! I packed just four cartons and I felt as if I was shifting from one planet to the next, instead of from Saudi to Pakistan. I watched my mother wrap porcelain plates in thick layers of fabric. I watched my dad count the number of cartons and estimate the time they would reach us back in Islamabad. I, on the other hand, was very excited about the whole prospect of living in a new place, where I had never even imagined myself to be. Seriously, life takes you to places unknown! I dumped my whole collection of souvenirs into a carton, shoved bubble wraps around the corners to prevent them from damage and manhandling. I literally had to sit on top of the box to keep the bits and bobs from pouring outside. Then I duct taped the whole carton again and again and again, until it was fully covered in brown-colored plastic. I did this to four boxes and then I just ran out of steam. I hope they open up easily when we hurl them all the way to our new house! Insh'Allah!

Changing tracks, I'm visiting school AGAIN, tomorrow. Yes, for the second time. I wanted to post up my experience of visiting school the very first time, but I've been lazy. I have written up most of that blog entry, but I can't find the time and patience to finish it off at the moment. This time I'm going alone, so that I can spend time with my teachers and beg a few to return my project work to me. I hope it goes well! Insh'Allah. Even though I already visited school once, I still feel so excited about visiting it again. I picked out my clothes, my shoes, my matching scarf, my bag and just everything. Because I know people will be looking at me, top to bottle, to see what ISG-Dammam "produce" looks like post-graduation. So I better look "decent". This may sound pompous and self-obsessive, but hey, everyone's image conscience!

Before ending this, I want to express my heartiest feelings towards Luqman & Najwa. I seriously feel that they both deserve a slap from me, for being so lazy and ditching me completey. Kiddos, I didn't expect this from you guys. We should have met! =[

It's around 12:23 A.M and I need to go to bed early to ensure that I get up on time to go to school.

Good night.

I'm Your Wall.

I'm nothing more than a wall,
sheltering you from blows,
receiving every hit with grace,
keeping you warm and close.

When the winds get rough,
and I begin to give away,
I remind myself to be tough,
and protect you if I may.

Your verbal lashes,
cut me inside out,
but I'm still your wall,
there is not a single doubt.

Each brick of mine is baked in blood,
each crevice is chalked of love,
I won't break under distress,
be it your hatred-laden push or shove.

I can absorb your endless tears,
like the torrential rains,
and not leak a single pearl,
in spite of all the pains.

The tattered paint, the broken bricks,
symbolize my life,
it has always been you and me,
together in a strife.

I may seem weary and old,
but trust me, I'm still your wall,
you won't feel safer anywhere,
whether another's short or tall.

I see you trying to break me,
each blow focusing a brick,
and I just smile because,
I'm made of more than what you think.

The rains have fell, the storms have blown,
but none have broken me,
I still stand strong and high,
in waters deep till the knee.

I love you with a craze,
you hate me with a passion,
together we will make,
self-destruction a fashion.

You can lean on me.
and I will bear your weight,
I won't open my lips,
to ever complain.

As the times pass,
and I age with it too,
I am left to ponder,
why I am protecting you?

Is it too smoothen my decree?
Or to erase all my guilt?
I forget the very purpose,
for which I was built.

My crevices turn to cracks,
my bricks turn to grit,
my strength turns to dust,
my rigidity into silt.

Like wrinkles on an old face,
cracks fill my soul,
no matter what the times,
I know it's my last call.

In saving you from the storms,
I hope I have prevailed,
also from the pains and trenches,
or else I have truly failed.

As the first brick falls off me,
I want to take the chance,
to tell you to pick up my last brick,
and just award it with your glance.

I don't want anything more,
since I will understand,
it was always you,
and I never stood a chance.