Summer.Oh.Nine.

1,2,3..breaaaaaaaaaathe.
3,4,5..breaaaaaaaaaathe.
5,6,7..breaaaaaaaaaathe.
7,8,9..breaaaaaaaaaathe.

Doesn't work. So much. So much. So much going on in my small little head. I don't even know what to say or how to say it. Organic or inorganic cause, there is a cause and I fail to spot it. Yes, yes crazy much. People crave for summer breaks and here I am doing absolutely nothing expect oh, oh, oh washing dishes, cleaning up the house, refreshing Facebook homepages again and again, and sleeping to keep myself from slipping into depression. Vottay vacation! :)
Gibberish, gibberish, gibberish. Trash, kachra, garbage. That's just how trains of thoughts are. Continuous, flowing like mud from neuron to neuron. Sometimes collecting in a space, a cranial sinus maybe, clogging up the flow. Sedimenting. Sucking. Silently killing a few neurons. *dishum, dishum* those neural shot guns are working again! Slivers of silver and blue sparks amongst the mud, the ultimate 'good guys' make holes in the thick layer of muddy, creepy, slimy goo. The voids keep getting bigger and bigger. Until...voila! The mud's no more than very small segments of clay floating around in cerebrospinal fluid, waiting for favorable conditions again. I swear, I'm not bipolar, just very very very 'I don't know'. =)

Summer.Bummer.
Bummer.Summer.

Lets try agaaaain, Sidra.

1,2,3..breaaaaaaaaaathe.
3,4,5..breaaaaaaaaaathe.
5,6,7..breaaaaaaaaaathe.
7,8,9..breaaaaaaaaaathe.

Still doesn't work.

:)

Sparks of Sorrow.

Sometimes words are just not enough. Even when you pick up the dictionary, you fail to find words that would aptly describe the pain, the happiness, the emotion that you're walking through in life. I'm thinking too much these days. I even fail to keep proper track of what I am really thinking about. My mind races from one thought to the next, skipping and jumping from one issue towards another, like a blue spark making its way across an old copper wire...There are knots and twists in the way...the spark fizzes, protests against the obstruction and then just goes out. Another spark, another channel, another hurdle and another death of yet another thought process...it's just a vicious cycle. Here I am resting my chin on my knee and typing away the most random things that are plaguing my mind. I feel like running off somewhere, a place where I would see nobody, just a few people who I really wanted around me. I want to blank out, start anew. I just don't know what I want to do. Where do I go from here? Do I walk ahead, do I take a step behind...I'm just walking around in intricate circles of fears and obsessions. I want to move ahead, but I mentally walked ten steps back for every one step ahead. The remaining nine steps are either too shaky or too dainty to be counted. Tired and beat, I just collapse where I am and admit defeat as my destiny, my fate. I can hear tiny explosions at the back of my mind, one after another. I think to myself about what I am doing here? Do I even matter? Does my presence count? Does my absence matter? I feel so much that words fail to convey. Scabs peel off, wounds open, cuts gash with blood, I feel like everything's in rewind mode. I'm walking back slowly on the sands of time, each step fitting into an old footprint on the shore. The sun rises, sets, rises yet again...and then the waters swallow the sun into them and I'm left alone in the darkness to cry myself to calm.

Burn. Rot. Die.

Ever since yesterday, I have been feeling like I'm viewed as a larger than life cynic. I screwed my face up and tried to think. Was I too over-analytical? Too cynical? Too over-logical? Too hypersensitive? Am I slowly turning into a hermit? I hope not! I suddenly feel that my blog entries are becoming a little too monotonous. They are all full of rants about people, life, places, things...I need to add a spice to it all. But then I'm not trying to please an audience or am I ? People hardly visit this place, which has both its pros and cons. :) But I do want to thank the people who take their precious time to look through my gibberish. It takes a lot of courage and patience to sit down and tolerate someone's thoughts. Changing tracks, I was feeling really grumpy today for no specific reason. I bit my tongue while trying to eat seekh kababs and that became a trigger. I don't know what happened to me, but I just broke down. Okay, I'm not abnormal, my tongue isn't directly connected to my nervous system via a portal emotional circulation route or something. I guess I was just looking for a reason to cry since yesterday. I was trying to hold so much within and then suddenly it all came pouring out, not verbally though. I didn't want to speak, I was suddenly fed up of words and sentences. I just wanted to go and sit in a corner quietly and SULK. I sat in front of the heater in my room and stared intensely at the orange illuminance. I stared and stared until I felt the heat burning into my face. I imagined burning all those people and thoughts in the intensity of this heat, that were bugging me so much. Burn. Rot. Die. The three words just kept circling in my head as each person's face came up in front of my eyes. I cried for the first time after college started. I felt each tear melt into my skin with the wave of intense heat that was penetrating and tingling my skin. I felt like my mind was on fire and everything seemed to be fanning the flames. I don't know what my eyes were doing though- trying to extinguish the flames or just add to them. I wanted to leave this place with all its drama and run back to my familiar faces, the warm land, to the place where my heart dwelled, where I could relate to people, where there was no drama, where guys didn't get hormonal imbalances when they associated with girls, where girls had more to talk about other than the girl sitting beside them. I didn't want to stop crying, I just wanted to detox myself. Wash away the filth I was walking through, get it out of my system. I rubbed at my eyes with the sleeves of my sweater and put my head on my knees...I wanted to gather all the strength I had..somehow...I had to look into the eyes of demons, strangle weeds of estrangement, stomp the attitudes and ego I was being subjected to..I decided, I had to do a lot.

Filth.

There's so much filth,
that it makes me gag,
so many jerks and losers,
so many rotten fags.

The above mentioned stanza aptly describes the "height" of frustration that I'm experiencing at the moment. The electricity's gone. It's 12:05 A.M and I was chatting with a bunch of friends until the light decided to go at the peak of conversation, but it's okay. The past two, three days have been surreal in all regards. My subjects are not as intimidating as yet, alhamdullilah, so I'm coping up just fine i.e academics isn't much of an issue. However, I am experiencing a lot of social ups and downs. I'm glad I befriended a lot of sane people, many of whom are pretty much as judgemental, big mouthed and foul mouthed as I am, myself :P I say this with awe. Trust me, it can be hard to find people who can tolerate your constant rants about this world and its people. On the other hand, I was hit by a faux pas like a cat ran over by a bicycle. The cat survives, but its fur comes off and it becomes all whiny and over-cautious about itself and its surrounding. Just like that. Coming from Saudi Arabia, a place that is viewed as "the" epitome of Islamic fundamentals and society, I never thought talking to the opposite gender was such a big step towards social suicide. I wasn't aware that each and every step of mine was being analyzed, each word was being dissected into letters, then syllables and then atoms, to fish out some scoop or the other to talk about over oily pasta and watery tea from the college canteen. But boy, oh, boy, little did I know. I'm sure if the concerned individuals, whoever they maybe read "boy, oh, boy", they might be thinking that I'm referring to my non-existent boyfriend, who probably calls me every night and sings me songs by Nur Jehan. I tell you, people here are very creative, they just need channels- be it big or small, or even someone's life. I'm at a point where I'm doubting the very purpose of friendship with just anyone. I'm not even sure whether I should talk to anyone except a few selected people. Should I hold a sign around my neck saying "Because so&so thinks this&that happened, I'm going to keep my mouth shut, my head down and keep doing my work?" That would be just too hard for a person like me to do. I'm sick in just a few days of the double-standards and downright bitchiness of people [regardless of gender]. It gets into me, like the smell of spoilt milk. It's that irritating. I don't want to waste my blog space over such rotten and deprived individuals in life. What they seek is attention, so why should I give it to them? They can rot in their fury, jealousy or whatever web of crap they are spinning up for others. I'm going to do my thing and do whatever I feel like doing without feeling apologetic about it. I'm answerable to none, only to Allah, Who knows what I am really upto. Gah, I'm glad it's a weekend..I really need time to unwind especially after doses of drama and so much work.

Disturbia.

No, this isn't about the Rihanna's new song. It's about major disturbance caused by certain people. I won't take names because I'm in no mood of jeopardizing my social survival in college, especially this early. I've seriously had it with people who have their brains hanging out of their mouth. Like seriously, why do certain 'individual's think that their intelligence will solely be measured by the length of their tongues and strength of their metallic vocal cords? Since I'm in medical school now and I'm being compelled to question and analyze even the most simplest things in life, for instance why is the glass resting on the table and why can't it be the table resting beneath the glass? Honestly, even if this absurd question were posed, people would be at the edge of their seats, literally falling off to answer this question according to what each of them interpret it as. Back to the topic at hand, peeps. Well, some people seem to exhibit an extreme bout of verbal diarrhea, since the only thing coming out of their mouths is shit and it's watery in consistency 'cause it NEVER fails to stop. While others have severe difficulty in controlling their deltoid muscles and that's why their hands are always up, even before the teacher finishes her questions. My college friends know who such "gifted" people are, so I don't need to elaborate much. SO, today was fun, INDEED. lol. [take note of how I emphasized on SO and INDEED]...I sat down with another set of people, who ended up becoming such amazing buddies! It's sometimes really interesting to see how we all are so similar at a certain level. We hate on the same set of people, we like some, we are judgemental and we are opinionated, but we are not apologetic about it and that's ALL that matters. I'm not justifying "hatred", what I mean is that sometimes it's the reason behind the feeling that needs to be considered as well. Anyways, enough of obsessing over totally worthless morons. I've developed an affinity for the sandwiches and shawarma in my college cafteria and I have it almost daily. This week was so freaking stressful. I was in a knee-high pile of crap. Biochemistry blue, physio fiascos and histo hues, what more can you ask for? I even dreamt about studying for a physio SGD, it has become THAT intense now. But I'm enjoying it, alhamdullilah. So far, so good. The second years just recently got their first year results and it was quite a sight to watch. I saw people crying with joy and sorrow and made "me" feel so emotional for some random reason. I thought to myself about how my time will come too, how I will be trying to calm my beating heart and dry my sweaty palms to beat the tension before my results come out. But insh'Allah all will go well, I'm sure. I have faith. *smiiiiile* These days I really feel that I talk a little too much and that I need to tighten my mandibular screws a little bit, they are TOO loose. Hina, one of my high school friends, called me from Lahore and out of the 22 minute phone call, I only allowed her to talk about 5 minutes. lol. I'm turning into a hollow vessel, making too much noise. lol. I remember how our fifth grade science substitute wrote this on the chalk board when we were making too much noises and how we all mocked at the the saying by calling "vessels", "veZZles". God, I always go into flashbacks. I'm so glad it's a weekend, I get to sleep, procrastinate and come online for sometime. Using the internet has naturally gone out of my routines. I'd rather catch up on my sleep than do anything else. I've become too lazy to reply to people's wall posts on facebook too.I went to Jinnah Super directly after college and MAAAAAN, it was fun. I got the chance to visit Saeed Book Bank and I remember Naseeha mentioning it once. It was amazing. I saw the Pakistani fashion designer Rizwan Beyg there too!

Changing tracks, 2009's already here and it's a little astonishing because I used to always check out product expiry dates and just reading off "2009" on them would be okay and I'd easily toss them into my cart and now 2009 was looking at me in the eye. This February, I turn 19, just a year away from stepping out of my teen life, this June- my younger brother graduates from high school and starts college, insh'Allah. So many firsts and so many things waiting in the pipeline. I was just so sick of new year smses! They kept disturbing me through out, even when my cell was just on vibration. Ughhhies. The End.