I hate you.

I hate you, so much,
I don't know how much,
but the hatred's such,
that I feel like breaking apart,
in the hatred that dwells in my heart,
I pray for your smiles,
I try to tame the distance in miles,
but I still hate you, for you make me feel,
so weak, so lost, so petty and so unreal.
I hate you, yes, I hate you, I repeat,
here I'm left, so broken, so incomplete.
You sleep peacefully while I'm up at night,
thinking over what was wrong and what was right?
While you adorn your world with roses of love,
I'm here dealing with thorns and cruel shoves.
I want to wave a final good bye to you,
but I know I won't be able to, because I hate you.
I hate you, I swear, I really, really do,
I just don't know how to let go of you.
The feeling grows, expands, and takes over,
you're no longer my lucky charm, an Irish clover,
you're a poison, filling up my veins,
you're the cause of all my aches and pains.
Please leave, get out of my life, you're a tumor,
you deprive me of strength, solace and humor.
You know the art of killing so well,
you make me want to die than dwell.
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
I hate so much that the feeling will grow,
into a helpless case of love so deep,
that it will become so hard for me to keep,
the feelings buried, out they will eventually seep.
Trust me, I hate you with a passion so strong,
I have no idea about how I have hated you so long.
But I hate you, keep this in your mind,
in your heart and please be kind,
and get out of my life.
Because I hate you, I hate you, & I hate you.

Burn. Rot. Die.

Ever since yesterday, I have been feeling like I'm viewed as a larger than life cynic. I screwed my face up and tried to think. Was I too over-analytical? Too cynical? Too over-logical? Too hypersensitive? Am I slowly turning into a hermit? I hope not! I suddenly feel that my blog entries are becoming a little too monotonous. They are all full of rants about people, life, places, things...I need to add a spice to it all. But then I'm not trying to please an audience or am I ? People hardly visit this place, which has both its pros and cons. :) But I do want to thank the people who take their precious time to look through my gibberish. It takes a lot of courage and patience to sit down and tolerate someone's thoughts. Changing tracks, I was feeling really grumpy today for no specific reason. I bit my tongue while trying to eat seekh kababs and that became a trigger. I don't know what happened to me, but I just broke down. Okay, I'm not abnormal, my tongue isn't directly connected to my nervous system via a portal emotional circulation route or something. I guess I was just looking for a reason to cry since yesterday. I was trying to hold so much within and then suddenly it all came pouring out, not verbally though. I didn't want to speak, I was suddenly fed up of words and sentences. I just wanted to go and sit in a corner quietly and SULK. I sat in front of the heater in my room and stared intensely at the orange illuminance. I stared and stared until I felt the heat burning into my face. I imagined burning all those people and thoughts in the intensity of this heat, that were bugging me so much. Burn. Rot. Die. The three words just kept circling in my head as each person's face came up in front of my eyes. I cried for the first time after college started. I felt each tear melt into my skin with the wave of intense heat that was penetrating and tingling my skin. I felt like my mind was on fire and everything seemed to be fanning the flames. I don't know what my eyes were doing though- trying to extinguish the flames or just add to them. I wanted to leave this place with all its drama and run back to my familiar faces, the warm land, to the place where my heart dwelled, where I could relate to people, where there was no drama, where guys didn't get hormonal imbalances when they associated with girls, where girls had more to talk about other than the girl sitting beside them. I didn't want to stop crying, I just wanted to detox myself. Wash away the filth I was walking through, get it out of my system. I rubbed at my eyes with the sleeves of my sweater and put my head on my knees...I wanted to gather all the strength I had..somehow...I had to look into the eyes of demons, strangle weeds of estrangement, stomp the attitudes and ego I was being subjected to..I decided, I had to do a lot.

Disturbia.

No, this isn't about the Rihanna's new song. It's about major disturbance caused by certain people. I won't take names because I'm in no mood of jeopardizing my social survival in college, especially this early. I've seriously had it with people who have their brains hanging out of their mouth. Like seriously, why do certain 'individual's think that their intelligence will solely be measured by the length of their tongues and strength of their metallic vocal cords? Since I'm in medical school now and I'm being compelled to question and analyze even the most simplest things in life, for instance why is the glass resting on the table and why can't it be the table resting beneath the glass? Honestly, even if this absurd question were posed, people would be at the edge of their seats, literally falling off to answer this question according to what each of them interpret it as. Back to the topic at hand, peeps. Well, some people seem to exhibit an extreme bout of verbal diarrhea, since the only thing coming out of their mouths is shit and it's watery in consistency 'cause it NEVER fails to stop. While others have severe difficulty in controlling their deltoid muscles and that's why their hands are always up, even before the teacher finishes her questions. My college friends know who such "gifted" people are, so I don't need to elaborate much. SO, today was fun, INDEED. lol. [take note of how I emphasized on SO and INDEED]...I sat down with another set of people, who ended up becoming such amazing buddies! It's sometimes really interesting to see how we all are so similar at a certain level. We hate on the same set of people, we like some, we are judgemental and we are opinionated, but we are not apologetic about it and that's ALL that matters. I'm not justifying "hatred", what I mean is that sometimes it's the reason behind the feeling that needs to be considered as well. Anyways, enough of obsessing over totally worthless morons. I've developed an affinity for the sandwiches and shawarma in my college cafteria and I have it almost daily. This week was so freaking stressful. I was in a knee-high pile of crap. Biochemistry blue, physio fiascos and histo hues, what more can you ask for? I even dreamt about studying for a physio SGD, it has become THAT intense now. But I'm enjoying it, alhamdullilah. So far, so good. The second years just recently got their first year results and it was quite a sight to watch. I saw people crying with joy and sorrow and made "me" feel so emotional for some random reason. I thought to myself about how my time will come too, how I will be trying to calm my beating heart and dry my sweaty palms to beat the tension before my results come out. But insh'Allah all will go well, I'm sure. I have faith. *smiiiiile* These days I really feel that I talk a little too much and that I need to tighten my mandibular screws a little bit, they are TOO loose. Hina, one of my high school friends, called me from Lahore and out of the 22 minute phone call, I only allowed her to talk about 5 minutes. lol. I'm turning into a hollow vessel, making too much noise. lol. I remember how our fifth grade science substitute wrote this on the chalk board when we were making too much noises and how we all mocked at the the saying by calling "vessels", "veZZles". God, I always go into flashbacks. I'm so glad it's a weekend, I get to sleep, procrastinate and come online for sometime. Using the internet has naturally gone out of my routines. I'd rather catch up on my sleep than do anything else. I've become too lazy to reply to people's wall posts on facebook too.I went to Jinnah Super directly after college and MAAAAAN, it was fun. I got the chance to visit Saeed Book Bank and I remember Naseeha mentioning it once. It was amazing. I saw the Pakistani fashion designer Rizwan Beyg there too!

Changing tracks, 2009's already here and it's a little astonishing because I used to always check out product expiry dates and just reading off "2009" on them would be okay and I'd easily toss them into my cart and now 2009 was looking at me in the eye. This February, I turn 19, just a year away from stepping out of my teen life, this June- my younger brother graduates from high school and starts college, insh'Allah. So many firsts and so many things waiting in the pipeline. I was just so sick of new year smses! They kept disturbing me through out, even when my cell was just on vibration. Ughhhies. The End.