Burn. Rot. Die.

Ever since yesterday, I have been feeling like I'm viewed as a larger than life cynic. I screwed my face up and tried to think. Was I too over-analytical? Too cynical? Too over-logical? Too hypersensitive? Am I slowly turning into a hermit? I hope not! I suddenly feel that my blog entries are becoming a little too monotonous. They are all full of rants about people, life, places, things...I need to add a spice to it all. But then I'm not trying to please an audience or am I ? People hardly visit this place, which has both its pros and cons. :) But I do want to thank the people who take their precious time to look through my gibberish. It takes a lot of courage and patience to sit down and tolerate someone's thoughts. Changing tracks, I was feeling really grumpy today for no specific reason. I bit my tongue while trying to eat seekh kababs and that became a trigger. I don't know what happened to me, but I just broke down. Okay, I'm not abnormal, my tongue isn't directly connected to my nervous system via a portal emotional circulation route or something. I guess I was just looking for a reason to cry since yesterday. I was trying to hold so much within and then suddenly it all came pouring out, not verbally though. I didn't want to speak, I was suddenly fed up of words and sentences. I just wanted to go and sit in a corner quietly and SULK. I sat in front of the heater in my room and stared intensely at the orange illuminance. I stared and stared until I felt the heat burning into my face. I imagined burning all those people and thoughts in the intensity of this heat, that were bugging me so much. Burn. Rot. Die. The three words just kept circling in my head as each person's face came up in front of my eyes. I cried for the first time after college started. I felt each tear melt into my skin with the wave of intense heat that was penetrating and tingling my skin. I felt like my mind was on fire and everything seemed to be fanning the flames. I don't know what my eyes were doing though- trying to extinguish the flames or just add to them. I wanted to leave this place with all its drama and run back to my familiar faces, the warm land, to the place where my heart dwelled, where I could relate to people, where there was no drama, where guys didn't get hormonal imbalances when they associated with girls, where girls had more to talk about other than the girl sitting beside them. I didn't want to stop crying, I just wanted to detox myself. Wash away the filth I was walking through, get it out of my system. I rubbed at my eyes with the sleeves of my sweater and put my head on my knees...I wanted to gather all the strength I had..somehow...I had to look into the eyes of demons, strangle weeds of estrangement, stomp the attitudes and ego I was being subjected to..I decided, I had to do a lot.