Summer.Oh.Nine.

1,2,3..breaaaaaaaaaathe.
3,4,5..breaaaaaaaaaathe.
5,6,7..breaaaaaaaaaathe.
7,8,9..breaaaaaaaaaathe.

Doesn't work. So much. So much. So much going on in my small little head. I don't even know what to say or how to say it. Organic or inorganic cause, there is a cause and I fail to spot it. Yes, yes crazy much. People crave for summer breaks and here I am doing absolutely nothing expect oh, oh, oh washing dishes, cleaning up the house, refreshing Facebook homepages again and again, and sleeping to keep myself from slipping into depression. Vottay vacation! :)
Gibberish, gibberish, gibberish. Trash, kachra, garbage. That's just how trains of thoughts are. Continuous, flowing like mud from neuron to neuron. Sometimes collecting in a space, a cranial sinus maybe, clogging up the flow. Sedimenting. Sucking. Silently killing a few neurons. *dishum, dishum* those neural shot guns are working again! Slivers of silver and blue sparks amongst the mud, the ultimate 'good guys' make holes in the thick layer of muddy, creepy, slimy goo. The voids keep getting bigger and bigger. Until...voila! The mud's no more than very small segments of clay floating around in cerebrospinal fluid, waiting for favorable conditions again. I swear, I'm not bipolar, just very very very 'I don't know'. =)

Summer.Bummer.
Bummer.Summer.

Lets try agaaaain, Sidra.

1,2,3..breaaaaaaaaaathe.
3,4,5..breaaaaaaaaaathe.
5,6,7..breaaaaaaaaaathe.
7,8,9..breaaaaaaaaaathe.

Still doesn't work.

:)

Sparks of Sorrow.

Sometimes words are just not enough. Even when you pick up the dictionary, you fail to find words that would aptly describe the pain, the happiness, the emotion that you're walking through in life. I'm thinking too much these days. I even fail to keep proper track of what I am really thinking about. My mind races from one thought to the next, skipping and jumping from one issue towards another, like a blue spark making its way across an old copper wire...There are knots and twists in the way...the spark fizzes, protests against the obstruction and then just goes out. Another spark, another channel, another hurdle and another death of yet another thought process...it's just a vicious cycle. Here I am resting my chin on my knee and typing away the most random things that are plaguing my mind. I feel like running off somewhere, a place where I would see nobody, just a few people who I really wanted around me. I want to blank out, start anew. I just don't know what I want to do. Where do I go from here? Do I walk ahead, do I take a step behind...I'm just walking around in intricate circles of fears and obsessions. I want to move ahead, but I mentally walked ten steps back for every one step ahead. The remaining nine steps are either too shaky or too dainty to be counted. Tired and beat, I just collapse where I am and admit defeat as my destiny, my fate. I can hear tiny explosions at the back of my mind, one after another. I think to myself about what I am doing here? Do I even matter? Does my presence count? Does my absence matter? I feel so much that words fail to convey. Scabs peel off, wounds open, cuts gash with blood, I feel like everything's in rewind mode. I'm walking back slowly on the sands of time, each step fitting into an old footprint on the shore. The sun rises, sets, rises yet again...and then the waters swallow the sun into them and I'm left alone in the darkness to cry myself to calm.

Burn. Rot. Die.

Ever since yesterday, I have been feeling like I'm viewed as a larger than life cynic. I screwed my face up and tried to think. Was I too over-analytical? Too cynical? Too over-logical? Too hypersensitive? Am I slowly turning into a hermit? I hope not! I suddenly feel that my blog entries are becoming a little too monotonous. They are all full of rants about people, life, places, things...I need to add a spice to it all. But then I'm not trying to please an audience or am I ? People hardly visit this place, which has both its pros and cons. :) But I do want to thank the people who take their precious time to look through my gibberish. It takes a lot of courage and patience to sit down and tolerate someone's thoughts. Changing tracks, I was feeling really grumpy today for no specific reason. I bit my tongue while trying to eat seekh kababs and that became a trigger. I don't know what happened to me, but I just broke down. Okay, I'm not abnormal, my tongue isn't directly connected to my nervous system via a portal emotional circulation route or something. I guess I was just looking for a reason to cry since yesterday. I was trying to hold so much within and then suddenly it all came pouring out, not verbally though. I didn't want to speak, I was suddenly fed up of words and sentences. I just wanted to go and sit in a corner quietly and SULK. I sat in front of the heater in my room and stared intensely at the orange illuminance. I stared and stared until I felt the heat burning into my face. I imagined burning all those people and thoughts in the intensity of this heat, that were bugging me so much. Burn. Rot. Die. The three words just kept circling in my head as each person's face came up in front of my eyes. I cried for the first time after college started. I felt each tear melt into my skin with the wave of intense heat that was penetrating and tingling my skin. I felt like my mind was on fire and everything seemed to be fanning the flames. I don't know what my eyes were doing though- trying to extinguish the flames or just add to them. I wanted to leave this place with all its drama and run back to my familiar faces, the warm land, to the place where my heart dwelled, where I could relate to people, where there was no drama, where guys didn't get hormonal imbalances when they associated with girls, where girls had more to talk about other than the girl sitting beside them. I didn't want to stop crying, I just wanted to detox myself. Wash away the filth I was walking through, get it out of my system. I rubbed at my eyes with the sleeves of my sweater and put my head on my knees...I wanted to gather all the strength I had..somehow...I had to look into the eyes of demons, strangle weeds of estrangement, stomp the attitudes and ego I was being subjected to..I decided, I had to do a lot.

Filth.

There's so much filth,
that it makes me gag,
so many jerks and losers,
so many rotten fags.

The above mentioned stanza aptly describes the "height" of frustration that I'm experiencing at the moment. The electricity's gone. It's 12:05 A.M and I was chatting with a bunch of friends until the light decided to go at the peak of conversation, but it's okay. The past two, three days have been surreal in all regards. My subjects are not as intimidating as yet, alhamdullilah, so I'm coping up just fine i.e academics isn't much of an issue. However, I am experiencing a lot of social ups and downs. I'm glad I befriended a lot of sane people, many of whom are pretty much as judgemental, big mouthed and foul mouthed as I am, myself :P I say this with awe. Trust me, it can be hard to find people who can tolerate your constant rants about this world and its people. On the other hand, I was hit by a faux pas like a cat ran over by a bicycle. The cat survives, but its fur comes off and it becomes all whiny and over-cautious about itself and its surrounding. Just like that. Coming from Saudi Arabia, a place that is viewed as "the" epitome of Islamic fundamentals and society, I never thought talking to the opposite gender was such a big step towards social suicide. I wasn't aware that each and every step of mine was being analyzed, each word was being dissected into letters, then syllables and then atoms, to fish out some scoop or the other to talk about over oily pasta and watery tea from the college canteen. But boy, oh, boy, little did I know. I'm sure if the concerned individuals, whoever they maybe read "boy, oh, boy", they might be thinking that I'm referring to my non-existent boyfriend, who probably calls me every night and sings me songs by Nur Jehan. I tell you, people here are very creative, they just need channels- be it big or small, or even someone's life. I'm at a point where I'm doubting the very purpose of friendship with just anyone. I'm not even sure whether I should talk to anyone except a few selected people. Should I hold a sign around my neck saying "Because so&so thinks this&that happened, I'm going to keep my mouth shut, my head down and keep doing my work?" That would be just too hard for a person like me to do. I'm sick in just a few days of the double-standards and downright bitchiness of people [regardless of gender]. It gets into me, like the smell of spoilt milk. It's that irritating. I don't want to waste my blog space over such rotten and deprived individuals in life. What they seek is attention, so why should I give it to them? They can rot in their fury, jealousy or whatever web of crap they are spinning up for others. I'm going to do my thing and do whatever I feel like doing without feeling apologetic about it. I'm answerable to none, only to Allah, Who knows what I am really upto. Gah, I'm glad it's a weekend..I really need time to unwind especially after doses of drama and so much work.

Numb.

i rubbed my wings against each other to check whether i still had the ability to fly. i had been scarred, my wings brutally clipped off, bruised, burnt under the hue of life. i would try to look around for a familiar face, one i could look at and smile, one i could look at for solace. but in the arid desert zone of my life, i saw none. for i was all alone struggling with my own ego, my integrity and my own being. ---- and then he comes along, wearing his emotions on his sleeve and trying to allure me to the world of his dreams and wishes. and i, thirsty after a tedious flight succumb to his dominion and dance as he dictates his tunes.--- such drama in the world, such ridicule? huh, hurts, somewhere deep inside. when two worlds collide, the internal and the external explode into nothingness. when light and dark all seem the same.-- and the people who have scarred me? where are they? why can't i see them anymore? has the sky swallowed them or have the soils buried their souls deep inside? the ones who mocked at my sensitivity, at my innocence and at my generosity. i guess it's pay back time. --- when everything flows in one direction, why do people toss pebbles to observe the different whirlpools in another's life? amusing? is it? beguiling? yeah right. *sighs* even if you bring the whole world to me, and i pinpoint what i exactly want you to do for me, you won't succeed. bear that in mind.--- you might have seen me against the word love, intimacy and emotions, but trust me. there's nobody as sensitive as me on this issue. maybe i do adore someone, maybe that one person who i say "wears his emotions his sleeve" has won. he knows the art of winning hearts and penetrating in one's soul, slowly and gradually. like poison from venom secretly spreads through the vessels of life to lull your heartbeats. am i being poisoned? ha, good question, but with no answer. am i too idealistic for you? yes maybe. but to some i am cruelly and coldy pragmatic. opulence doesn't intrigue me much. i love loving my life and myself inspite of all the wrongs that may be possible. is that running away from reality? is that fearing change? why is that i don't crave attention, yet want to leave people in awe as i whiz by? maybe i am just one weird person. weirder than the people i accuse of being weird. how exactly can we be sure we're normal. we all are NOT normal, as mundane as it sounds, being NOT NORMAL is NORMAL nowadays. run topless, go drink, get drugged, all's part of life. where's the time to go and feed the animals? milk the cows? reep the hay? i need some makeovers. i need to amend my life. for my sake. for the sake of me, myself and i. i know nobody's going to honor me and my work by a trophy, but that shudn't make me a cynic. there's no nepenthe in life, no such thing as that. you have create that potion yourself and gulp it down straight into your heart through your throat. a bitter pill to swallow, but there it is. yeah call me weird. label me if you like. but this is the way i am. hypocritical and very intolerant. people have a divided opinion about me. i can be very unpredictable. what have i done that ppl love me so much? i fail to understand that? and he.. that he, i don't think there's anything more to say. claims, and airy promises are something just anyone can make. but why do i want to believe it, even if it sounds fanciful? i have built huge dikes all around me, with a tiny hole. i peek through it from time to time to see the green pastures beyond. but then there are times when i put my little finger through and seclude myself from the world outside. hermetic? stoic? call me whatever you want. i won't say the world doesn't amuse me. i am just running blindly with my eyes wide open.---the fresh air rustled my hair and cooled my eyes. and i squinted in the sunlight as it tried to devour my darkness. there was this one light that weaved its ways throughout my perplexed life. it zigged zagged its way through all the ruins to the dark core of my being. and then when a mountain of revelations breaks upon my head, i realize that life's not straight. it's a twisty road to nowhere, and we all need directions. that one "he" has so much in him. a world on the inside, which i have managed to penetrate through bit by bit. a hollow cliff, hanging onto itself. am i drowning gradually under the name of just wading in the pool? a dark pool with depths unknown. i don't know. but i can't shut my heart to the realities. i need to sew my lips together. i can't, and i won't. it's not ego, it's just a feeble attempt to make things better for him and me. and as we sit together and wait, we weave a web of familiarity. we entangle our thoughts of each other, become each other's destiny. the wait in my eyes hides the waters waiting to break those dams. to flow over them and replenish my being. and as i laugh, my skin creases and fills with agony of hope, and of desire. or is it both? i have again screwed up the things that meant so much to me. i almost fell to my knees and got up with a jolt of defiance. no, i can never let that happen to me. the spiral tightens around my heart and he devoured my soul right out of me. and i sit there and speak hollow words that provide me with titular relief. no, you need to go on. you have a whole world on your shoulders. the burden of which was a joy for you to carry and now you feel a little bit of reluctance to talk about. why is it? have you ever felt lonely in a throng of people? doubted the sincerity of those who vow to support you through thick or thin? have you wondered about what you were actually doing? have you ever felt yourself too engrossed in work to notice there's a whole world operating outside your own 2cm^2 of a world? stories, yeah maybe. this is and can be told as a story. not a sad, happy, or tragic event. but as a well-rounded story. about a girl who lived and is still living and breathing with each word as she sits and types......let me cry, for this might be the last time tears come out of my eyes. he left, leaving all my thoughts entangled within the each other, like a KG kid who just realizes his favorite red ballon has popped. gone, as simple as that. so easily he wriggled his way out of my heart and i just fill my cracked heart with hopes and tried to fix it with a band aid. i have bookmarked and closed that chapter in the book of my life. if he is really destined to be mine, nothing can change it. i feel much in control now, alhamdullilah. I love my God, He is there to protect me. ---- and sometimes i wonder whether people ever run out of life? --- they laugh, they mock, they jeer.. but i am indifferent to it. something does pinch me, but i won't let it get to me. those twists and turns of fate just test me and my faith, i won't let myself fail and fall into the tricks of a mirage. yes, i hate, but i would like to turn into a sponge. absorb all the hatred, the negativity that burns like embers in the deepest chambers of the soul. ---- there's a web around me that i built to see the world through crevices of silk.--- i tried to burn, to light the world, to see how much it hurts to burn and rot, but spread darkness instead of light.-- uproot all evils? you must be kidding. the roots entangle our very foundations from beginning to end.-- when everything collides into you, you turn numb to the very core of your being.