*

I don't want you,
not even an inch of you,
I want to go far away,
just to see what I mean to you.
For every time you ask,
how are you?
I want to say fine,
turn my back towards you,
wait for you to call out,
turn me around,
ask me to tell the truth,
I want to look into your eyes,
my eyes brimming with tears,
and wish that I could tell you.
But no, lets let silence prevail,
let it act as a see through veil,
just between me and you.

The *'s.

Sometimes I just break into an emotion. Actually no. An emotion breaks into me. Thwack, a feeling hits me with high speed between my eyes. The *'s are supposed to be random bits and pieces of poetry that I write totally based on my status quo, hence they have no names. They are just *'s.

I Won't Say.

I won't say a word,
I will just watch you,
restlessly toss and turn,
although it hurts me,
I won't say a word.
For there's nothing,
nothing that will show,
the real me, to you,
so silence is golden,
although it pierces me,
I won't say a word.
My eyes will dry,
my soul will die,
but my heart'll still be,
although it burdens me,
I won't say a word.
Your smiles, laughter,
your tears of gratitude,
my cries, screams,
my tears of solitude,
although it kills me,
I won't say a word.
What are words so empty?
Those smiles so hollow?
Tears are real,
for the moisture I can feel,
their pathway I can trace,
as they descend down my face.
On some rainy day,
although tears nobody can see,
I won't say a word.
When the flowers will fray,
the petals will wilt,
when incense sticks burn,
along with my skin,
although it will burn me,
I won't say a word.

Life,

Golden storms,
sweet poisons,
a pain too pleasant,
a dagger shaped crescent,
a cloud of pain,
a rain of doubt,
this is what my life is all about.
Walking along forbidden paths,
even shadows abandoning me,
through thick and through thin,
there's nothing within,
a long-dead heart,
an ominous start,
of my life this is a part.
Through the silken trenches,
through the rowdy winds,
as the pebbles pelt me,
abrade my skin,
I meekly smile,
to tell myself,
to disarm and break apart,
since oh life, this is just the start.

A Picture on the Wall.

From a picture on the wall,
I stare out at you,
I see you sit in the same chair,
a streak of white in your hair,
with the same rose in your hand.
As you caress the petals with your tips,
a gentle gasp escapes through my lips,
for I am taken to the times when we were,
when it was okay to love, alright to err.
The thorns on the stalk, so beguile
how they always stole my smiles,
so triumphant, so content,
these thorns that stayed, only I went.
You trace the stem all the way down,
your content face, not even a frown,
and I want to jump out of this frame,
how I wish I could call out your name.
I wish I could run back to you,
tell you how fast this time had flew.
But that rose just stood where I stood,
those thorns became your friends,
suddenly I was surrounded by many dead ends,
I was just a soul, so devoid of a body,
the rose had petals, thorns so spiney,
like the crimson in the petals,
the coffee brewing in the kettle,
my blood boiling in my frozen heart,
how you managed to break me apart,
even so I have no life,
you still managed to win this strife.
Like a blunt knife trying to kill,
I was in a battle with my will,
even marble-tiled floors remember my steps,
the weight of my feet they still felt.
Unlike you, who nipped me in the bud,
like the same ugly rose,grotesque, so red.

On My Way...

What a Saturday morning. Seriously. My day started off with receiving two smses from my childhood friends, both of them from Saudi. One who knew me from diapers till dupattas, Iqraa. The other who knew me from my elementary school fiascoes till now. Even though I was pretty much half asleep, I smiled to myself. These were the little things that could make you feel triumphant about being "wanted", being "missed", being "remembered", being "important". Sometimes that's all you need to feel better and recharge yourself for yet another day of your highly erratic life. It seems just like yesterday when we got over with LMS and now we have another module coming up, the Cardiovascular System this time, just a week's time left. This year FLEW. April's almost ending, come May, June and then tadaaa, July's here and I head back home, Saudi that is. I will miss Islamabad, lol. Although I'm going for just 3 weeks, it's going to be hard leaving my college friends behind for a while. I will miss people making fun of everything I say and do. Lol. Usman's inside jokes, Sahla's hopelessness about me, Emmal's radical feminism, Sehr's happy hour, Hassan's chips and Rajeel's higly interesting stories. And last but not the least, some loser's highly inane jokes about me. You know you who are and also how much I hate you. Anyways, so I'm supposed to do a lot today. Study, study, study, then probably sort through my stuff and then get in touch with a few people, maybe. I rejoined Facebook. I think it was hard to stay away from gooey drama. But I guess I shouldn't "let my enemies drown me" and try becoming thick-skinned. The other day I was going through my 8th grade autograph diary and I came across such bizarre autographs. lol. All my friends advising me to "grow up" and become less of a nerd. I haven't changed maybe, because I get the same remarks even now. But I don't feel bad, I'm glad I didn't change that much. Changing in front of your eyes is very scary. Initially it starts off with just a tinge of change here and there, you just smile at it with confusion and overlook it. Then a vicious cycle starts off. One thing changes, another, then yet another. A string of changes encircles you, tightening its grip around you so strongly. It chains you to yourself, you can't even break away or even try to. You do things you never thought you'd do, you want to do things that seemed so off the hook to you in the past and all you want to do is to close your eyes as you experience the jolts of change shaking your wits out of you. It's like trying to contain sand in your fist. No matter how hard you try, the sand seeps out through your fingers. It falls down to accompany the other particles of sand to become just another grain in the sand. The pride of being a high and mighty dune just fades away with the strong storms that ransack the desert.

Listen

Listen closely,
to my tears as they flow,
down my cheeks, so slow,
before dying at my lips below.
Listen for they die to speak,
to you, to me, to us,
to profess and to confess.
Did you hear that?
A slow cracking sound?
Like something broke, so profound.
I think 'twas something within me,
Broken, detached, finally so free.
A whimsical tune,
from the deepest chamber,
a feeling of piercing warmth,
like walking on embers.
Listen again carefully,
there's a muffled sob,
I think it's me again,
courage I fail to feign.
Listen again,
for I'm deaf to my own screams,
I'm just trapped in an ugly dream,
hear me out as I cry in solitude,
all my wounds so naked, so nude.
Listen now,
to my rising and falling breath,
as if weakly calling out to death,
to hold my hands and let me free,
to take me away, help me flee.
Rest your head on the marble,
listen to the butterflies mutter,
as around my tombstone they flutter,
and listen for one last time,
your name as my cold lips utter it over and over,
which even the heaviest soils fails to cover.
As I smile from beneath,
I listen too,
to your tears this time,
because it's your turn now,
to listen, just to listen.

Nameless.

I want you to hear,
what I don't say,
I want to be with you,
as night turns into day,
I just want to seal my lips,
place on them my finger tips,
watch you try to decipher,
the secrets that they cover,
I sometimes want to be blind,
to see the world through your eyes,
to witness and finally realize,
that ugliness is all about lies,
I search you through the darkness,
I search for you in the light,
each word of yours, you say,
lingers with me every night.
I keep telling myself again,
it's not love, it's merely vain,
but it's the words, the smiles,
that pull me closer, they beguile,
when I come too close, I burn,
for it was just an illusion, I learn.
But still sometimes when rains fall,
each droplet utters your name,
carves it into my heart the same,
letting go of you is not hard,
but seeing you let go of me,
breaks me into pieces so small,
nobody would be able to gather me at all.
So if you plan to break me,
please do let me know,
so that I fragment myself for you,
and become from someone you know,
into someone you once knew.

Where I Stood.

I'm so in love with this song. I remember Maira telling me to youtube it one fine Friday evening, when I was feeling very blue and low. Funny how sometimes listening to songs that echo your thoughts and feelings makes you feel better instead of sinking you deeper into wells of misery. This song pushed and pulled me into a whirlpool of such weird emotions. I don't know. I felt like my mind was spinning in a washing machine. It was so true, but I didn't want to see a song reflecting my feelings. I didn't want them to be so public. But I guess, everyone feels this way at one point in time...Especially the first stanza. Okay, Sidra, shut up and study your physiology lessons for tomorrow.

Where I Stood

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

Happy Birthday Nida! <3

There's this girl I know,
Nido's what is her name,
ever since I met her in grade three,
I have never been the same.

The craziest times,
the craziest days,
with her by my side,
there was limitless craze.

Although poles apart we are,
still we're so close, never far,
I miss you with all my heart,
of my life you're a vital part.

Today is a special day,
for it's your birthday,
although we can't cut cakes,
hold surprise parties like in the past,
which reminds me that time has passed so fast!

Even when you're a 100 years old,
a granny with annoying grandkids,
I will be there with you,
I'll still very much be your Sid.

I wish I was there by your side,
to blow the candles with you,
to plaster your face with cake,
all your cool birthday gifts I'd take.

Then when the party would be over,
we'd sit on the couch and chatter,
about the good old days when,
tears didn't exist, just smiles so golden.

Snapping back into the present,
I'm glad that life with you I spent,
my childhood full of so much fun,
a friend like you, there was none.

When I learnt what a friend was,
you accepted me with all my flaws,
you defined what a sister is to me,
my closest friend were thee.

I wish you the best birthday ever,
full of happiness and joy forever,
may God shower you with love and grace,
so much so that it radiates from your face!

May this day be a beginning to a new start,
may pain never ever find way to your heart,
may you smile like there's no gloom,
in your life may sorrow never find room.

Here's wishing you a very happy birthday,
I love you so much, I don't even have to say!

HAPPY BIRTHDAYYYYYYYYYY!

Crumbling.

Once upon a time there lived a girl who thought she could conquer the whole world and sleep peacefully at night after making each and every person smile on the face of this earth. She thought she was some bigshot healer, the ultimate source of pride for her parents, an inspiration for her friends and peers, a big teachers' pet, a girl with an iconic academic and social status back in her high school and then one day she fell. She fell so badly that even she didn't know what was up with her. She just knew that she was whizzing through the air, hurtling and back-flipping into an abysmal pit of time and space. Now she just stared at herself in the mirror and heard tiny cracks in the back of her mind as she stared back at an individual so foreign to her. She tried to come up with excuses and justifications for her change, but she found none. People told her that she was just growing up, but she knew better. She was falling into a trap, a laid out conspiracy. She was jinxed. She had been caught by the evil eye. She had so many questions in her mind, but with no answers. She cried, but she never knew the reason behind her tears. The girl, who once thought that her connection with God was so strong that she'd be able to whiz through thick and thin without a single obstacle, was now crumbling into pieces. One, two, three, four, five...million, billion, trillion...gazillion..She lost count gradually. At that point, she felt like a big joke. A big retard, who was a source of pure entertainment to those around her. She wanted to close her eyes and open them just to see that everything and everyone was normal. She often asked God and then herself about what was wrong. But she could never put a finger to her problem. She'd try talking it off with her friends, but then she'd feel like the epicenter of a disaster. She just wanted to break away. The same girl who wanted to befriend everyone, who wanted to connect to people at a special level beyond normal myopic human scope, suddenly wanted to build very high walls around herself. She often sat down to think what was the reason that she was disintegrating so badly? Was it a person? An event? A feeling? An experience? What was it exactly? To her it seemed to be everything and yet nothing. She tried asking God. But God wanted her to find out on her own, I guess. As she made her way through the gooey gel of time, she tried to keep herself from stumbling, from falling and breaking into infinitesimal pieces in front of an audience. She missed herself immensely. Her inconquerable soul, her unerasable smile, her naive self. She wanted to run, but she didn't know where to. So she decided to pack her broken self up in a bandage of self-pity and pretend to be very strong and so very brave and prayed with all might that may God help her maintain her modesty in the strong winds of change that she was being harassed by. As she types, she still prays, hopes and wishes that if only she could...

Crack.

The weather's so amazing! It's windy and it's raining! It's so so cool. :) I have college tomorrow and I'm so dead and beat, but I still don't feel like sleeping. I wanted to sleep to the sound of rain falling outside my window, but it just stopped. sighs. Today was such a surreal day, I had three SGDs, which I couldn't study for at all. I was out at a family dinner yesternite and by the time I came back I was too tired to do anything, however I did try to jab at embryology. Anywaysss, today was just weird- came to know things that would NEVER cross my mind under normal circumstances. But anyways, I am going to try to ignore it. Blah, blah, blah. I need to go sleep.

Dancing with Pain.

I was standing in a circle of light,

the stars shining above my head,
just when I thought I was alone,
pain came and stood by me instead.

It took my hand and pulled me close,
it made me swirl around on my toes,
when I stopped reeling around,
it lifted me up above the ground.

Before finally parting of ways,
it held me in a tight embrace,
I could actually feel it pulsating,
through my veins, 'twas radiating.

It finally let go of my cold hand,
left me in my circle, alone to stand,
as I watched it rising up to the sky,
with tears in my eyes, I kissed it goodbye.

Those Chips in Me.

As I am sitting here on a Saturday morning, munching on Chips Ohoy early in the morning, I am smiling to myself for a reason so unknown. Maybe sometimes you smile because you don't know what else to do about what you're being subjected to. Crying seems to be to cliche. Plus why overburden your lacrimal glands when you know that your tears won't even dampen the cause of the problem to the least bit. So we started off with the cardiovascular system in college. The physiology part is so freaking extensive, but insh'Allah, I plan to ace this module. It's funny that I'm studying the human heart, something that nobody has fully understood to-date. They say the heart has four chambers, I beg to differ. It has a chamber within a chamber, each chamber with several twists and turns, a maze within a maze, and so many diversions. If the heart were such a simple thing, more than half of this world's problems would cease to exist. But then again, this is just what I think. I have been thinking a lot these days. Funny how sometimes you take "mental vacations" to such demented areas of life that you feel so very detached from your past, presence and future. Like the chocolate chips sprinkled across dough in making chocolate chip cookies, you feel like your pieces are dispersed across the seven seas, each fragment resting on embers in a different land. *snap, snap, snap* Sidra, get yourself back. You're drifting off a little too much these days. Get a grip on yourself, what are you doing to yourself? Why are you letting it affect you? Haha, these are things that I have to keep telling myself. See, I told you, growing up wasn't just a physical process- it wasn't limited to the obliteration of your epiphyseal growth plate in your bones or the onset of hormone secretion. There was a lot to it. Coming from Saudi to now Pakistan, I feel like I have just come out of an egg shell with one of my legs still very much caught in the gooey yolk and the pieces of the broken shell clinging to my hair. Maybe I'm going through a 'culture shock' or maybe I'm just being irrational by choice or maybe I'm just expecting too much light out of fireflies. I am doing things that I used to run away from. I am feeling something that I thought was just so low and cheap and "so-not-Sidra Chaudhry-type". From a super-focused-Paki woman, I'm turning into just another girl, who goes weak in the knees at the sight of a shooting star, who wants to wear the stars as a tiara, who goes goo-goo eyed at the mere thought of honey, flowers and butterflies. What's happening to me? Lol. Gah, so random. According to a friend, I've become bipolar. But who isn't bipolar? :P Everyone fluctuates through highs and lows, but maybe my frequency's a little fishy. Sighs. I'm being flipped like a paratha on a hot skillet.


Is this what you call pain?
If yes, then I want to ask you,
why it chose just me?
Did it fail to see you?
Or did you divert it to me?
The twinkle in your eyes,
sparkles at my cries.
The smile on your lips,
my dainty wings it clips.
But just to make you happy,
I'm ready to befriend misery.

Spew Outs.

I want it to stop. But I am so frikking helpless. Like little explosions in my mind, really heavy, throbbing pains somewhere deep in my head. I hate this, I'm hating it with all my might, with all my heart. It's that annoying. If this is called 'growing up', I'm sorry I don't think I want to go through it. I just want to close my eyes and open them only to see everything in its proper place. God please, PLEASE pull me through. I'm going nuts.

Just Another Girl.

I am just another girl,
letting this love swirl,
every little of my curls,
setting my eyes on fire,
burning in deep desire,
to dance in the breeze,
to write our name on all oak trees,
batting my eyelids at every memory,
of whatever was between you and me,
I sleep with a new dream every night,
smiling in my sleep in the moonlight,
tossing my locks out of my way,
calling out butterflies to play,
just another game of hide and seek,
letting the dew settle on my cheek,
with every smile, my eyes twinkle,
on my forehead there isn't a wrinkle,
but sometimes when gloom sets in,
there's a flood that flows from within,
out of my eyes onto my cheeks,
those tears make me so weak,
resting on the dead petals below,
dispersing me like a dandelion to blow.
In my basket of broken dreams,
I sit to count those endless screams,
but then your mere illusion,
is enough of a delusion,
that you will always be there,
that you will always care,
I want you to become the flower,
that crowns my long flowing hair,
become a cluster of rain drops,
falling mercilessly from the air,
to drench me in your affection,
to leave me close to perfection.
I am just another girl for you,
just another butterfly with no clue,
where to go and where to rest,
I'm an epileptic butterfly in a quest.

Dear God.

Dear God,

I have so much to say,
don't know where to start,
I just know that inside,
I'm slowly crumbling apart,
I miss the soul I had,
I miss the old me,
now it just seems that,
I'm a soul trapped in a body.
Gone are the days when I,
used to smile and cry,
now everything's of stone,
it's just me feeling all alone
when I look over my shoulder,
all I see are remains,
of the once sought-after pleasures,
of the very memorable pains.
I try to hold myself up,
drain my tears into a cup,
struggle to breath free,
from these dungeons of misery,
my voice is now so foreign,
this breath such a burden,
I often hear myself speak,
feeling so barren, so very bleak,
my own shadow seems to be,
now so very weary of me,
some days I want to see,
if maybe death could now help me,
sometimes it's not a person,
it's a feeling that commits arson,
it sets your life on fire,
burns you in your desires,
the flames smother my eyes,
they show me deeply-rooted lies,
and I finally realize,
I have lost You in this maze,
that I am blinded in this haze,
I miss crying out loud to You,
to pull me through and through,
in this quagmire of color and hue,
where I'm lost without a clue.
The comforts that I got,
when I put my head to floor,
how after every prayer,
I wanted to ask You for more.
Oh God, I've become an old wall,
broken and just so fragile,
I want You to fix me back,
return me all my smiles.

Peltings.

The rain taps on my window,
asking me about you,

I stay quiet,
my lips pursed tightly,
my hands clasped in my lap,
trying to keep a straight face,
keeping those tears inside,
so hard it was,
but I had to pull through,
the rain kept pouring,
the pain radiating,
I couldn't let my head sink low...
I had to hold this weight up,
keep myself from sinking,
into this quagmire,
so wrongly called love.

Rigor Mortis

Odyssey.

Sweet Nothings.

In love? Yes, no, maybe.
In doubt? Yes, could be.
I feel like flying,
lifting off the ground,
but I'm so scared,
what if I get another wound?
Will I live to take another blow?
Will I still be able to love you?
Those sweet nothings,
those sheepish smiles,
staring at each other over miles,
those never-ending mazes,
those mind games so endless,
it's like voluntarily drowning,
in marshes so bottomless.
I try to shake myself to reality,
but gone in me is the sanity,
that I once took pride in,
there's a new me within,
an old cover, just new pages,
gently flipping apart in the breeze,
that's how you make me feel.