I Die Daily.

Dying isn't an option,
it's a lifestyle now,
don't ask me why,
I really don't know how,
but it just seems to me,
that dying is my decree,
every new day another chance,
to embrace death in dance,
souls dancing in flames,
flesh left only in name,
they call me a living soul,
but that is not what you call,
an empty, spiritless being,
who is so used to seeing,
herself dying daily, bit by bit.

This Shall End.

This shall end,
just like everything else.
The pieces will crumble,
the pain will fly,
all tears will die,
or so I like to pretend,
that like everything, this too will end.

The butterflies will fly again,
never will flowers feel estranged,
that I will lose track of all my pains,
that one day the traces of tears will vanish,
this thick cloud of doubt would diminish,
I like to believe, I want to pretend,
that like everything, this too will end.

Swimming in deep, murky pools of regret,
my heart, so broken, so tattered, so hurt,
walking amongst the darkest shadows,
the rain gently pelting on my windows,
the settling of dust on my inner core,
the anguish that keeps on getting more,
I want to imagine, I want to pretend,
that like everything, this too will end.

They look at me as I lie there in flowerbeds,
so many pairs of eyes, so many turning heads,
A wagging finger, a clicking tongue,
considered forbidden are the tunes I sung,
a funeral deadlier than the person who lay,
alive in flesh and soul, made of clay,
I want to tell myself, I want to pretend,
that like everything, this life too will end.

I Want to Die.

I want to die in front of you,
in such a way, you have no clue,
I want my blood to adorn your face,
to strip you off strength and solace,
before my eyes finally close,
and I set myself to eternally doze,
I want to see your face turn gray,
before death finally comes my way.
No matter how much you try to cremate,
following my remains will be in your fate,
in the darkest nights and brightest days,
you still won't find me, not even a trace.
Till the day you live, from the day I die,
I would never want to see you cry,
for tears are pure and they purge the soul,
I want to see you collect rust, I know I'm cruel.
Little by little the dust will settle,
I'll become soil within my coffin's metal,
but still deep within my so dead heart,
you will remain like a piercing dart.
Even my death won't pull us apart,
for every pain you gave is a vital part,
of now my life now even after death,
since you're still you, I'm still me,
it's just that I am now devoid of breath.

The Art of Breaking Apart.

I have mastered the art,
of breaking apart,
each bit of mine,
another drop in the ocean,
a tattered soul to carry,
is such a massive burden,
so i just shed if off today,
tried to find some way,
to turn lop-sided smiles,
into beautiful frowns,
to let the feelings drown,
into cruel marshes of time,
as each fragment sunk deep,
it was so hard for me to keep,
myself from breaking further,
it was a pain like no other,
I silently witnessed each bit,
adorning the endless, timeless pit.

Haze&Craze.

There's haze and there's craze,
there's so much that I fail to erase,
from the life I have been given,
I've been forgotten, but not forgiven.
Walking along a path so rough,
ups and downs make it so tough,
I can't even stop breathe some air,
it's so hard to pretend not to care,
deep down inside I know how scars feel,
how it's like to chew stones for real.

Along Dotted Lines.

I'm walking along those dotted lines,
that I had drawn so clearly for me,
carefully and slowly, step after step,
I walk within circles of aches and glory.
My right foot leads, my left foot follows,
each footstep of mine, leaving a little hollow,
on the sea shores of the never-ending waters,
long gone are the times when I used to matter.
Like a scissor zigzagging its way around,
the edges of paper and the dotted black creases,
my childish fears chase me forever up and down,
with every little cut, my life span decreases.
I run around in those circles I call home,
trying so hard to evade those painful storms,
taking shelter under shelters of paper,
bracing myself against the blows so cruel..

Note: This is still so incomplete, so please give me your feedback as to how I should go about with it. Thanks.

Pointless.

I sometimes think this world is so pointless,
so cruel, so wicked, so mean, so worthless,
trampling over people's hearts, walking over souls,
kicking dirt at others and calling it a goal!

Lies, pain, hurt and remorse becoming a trend,
vicious cycle of hit and run never seems to end,
Barren soil and naked trees just witness our falls,
We are nothing but souls trapped within six walls.

Never Want to See You.

I don't want to see you ever again,
not because I hate you, but maybe,
it's just because I love you too much,
so much that it has changed sanity to pain.
You have changed me so much that,
I'm often sickened at my own deeds,
it's as if you have over-ridden all my needs,
I want to erase your very thought out of my head,
I wish that this love for you would just be dead,
I often stare at myself in the mirror and wonder,
whether these feelings are just another blunder?
I don't recognize my words as well as my actions,
every little thing about you is another distraction,
I fail to comprehend what's so wrong with me,
why I stop to look over my steps over and over,
why even the site of your shadow is enough,
to break me into pieces, when I thought I was so tough.
It's even funnier that you have no clue,
about how much I burn over you,
to you I'm just another joke of the day,
a simple china doll made of cheap clay,

I don't think I want to ever see you again.

The Sun & Hue.

I want to drown with the sun,
into the deep waters below,
experience getting lost so deep,
free at last to forget and flow.
With every rising tide I want to rise,
with every little splash my heart dances,
like a school of colorful fish, I'm so free,
trying to put to test all my chances.
Like the sands on the edges of the sea,
embracing me from all sides, below and above,
pain and joy have always been hand in hand,
sometimes pelting with hatred or showering with love.

Witness.

You sometimes see things you so didn't want to see. They burn your eyes, scar your soul and leave you feeling so fragile, breaking you into pieces so tiny that you just worry how you will ever put yourself together again. Just one of those days. I really, really hope you come out. Out of the black hole you're in for such a long time, out of the spiral that just never seems to end for you and out of the maze that you've got yourself lost in.

I know I'm not making sense, but this is what's been happening a little too much lately, so you all should try getting used to it. :)

sayonara.

Talking Crazy.

This long weekend was much-needed. I could have easily come home at 10 right after my fugly test ended, but the weather was too beautiful to remain indoors. It was raining like crazy and the winds were so wild! So instead of coming home early, I came back around 1. While I waited for my driver to pick me up, I had this really crazy urge of jumping in this big puddle in front of me. But I knew my mom would kick me out of the house if I came back with such dirty clothes, so I just decided to walk through it and not jump :P I was in such a good mood! I was walking in the rain and enjoying the feeling of getting wet, of not having anything to do, of looking forward to a long weekend, and of so many other things that words would probably fall short to elaborate. Once I got back home, I felt like dancing around in my lounge, but then I almost broke my mom's favorite vase, so I just decided to come off it. I immediately changed and sat in front of big window in my living room and stared out into the street. Everything looked so pretty, so clean, so pure. I just felt like jumping out my window. lol. I know this sounds highly crazy, but trust me, I was very hyper. That night I went out to BBQ Tonight for dinner and man, what an experience it was. Reminded me of Marhaba from back in Saudi, actually BBQ Tonight was a tadbit better, I must admit. When the waiter brought in "mutton ribs", I was suddenly reminded of pectoralis major and pectoralis minor muscles. Eww, so much anatomy. Anyways, I had a good time stuffing my face amidst the noise of clattering plates, rowdy children and super-excited adults. When the waiter served Hammous as an appetizer, I suddenly missed Saudi so much. Honestly, I was never a huge fan of it back home, but that day I just ate it for the sake of the good old days. It tasted yum. :) Saturday was a blur, did nothing special. Just went to my tailor. I hate that place, because it's so full of Indian songs. Seriously, they can't function without listening to weird Indian songs, it pisses me off, and it can get pretty embarassing. Anyways, Sunday was amazing. We suddenly planned to go to Pir Sohawa, a place I had never been to before. The drive upwards was so scary, I thanked God that I wasn't the one on the driving seat :P especially the sharp turns and the very low-barricades. I had a chocolate fudge shake at Monaal and enjoyed listening to the songs, those singers were singing live. It was just so beautiful. I really wanted to go hiking, but saved the idea for the next time I came here, probably with my dad and brother. After like a 4-5 hour stay at Pir Sohawa, we decided to go to Lok Wirsa, which was an amazing exhibition of paintings and other arts and crafts. Looking at such nicely-done sketches, I so wanted to get one done for myself! By the time I came back home around 8, I was so beat and so tired that I couldn't even get myself to change, but since I had promised a friend that I'd send one of my poems to this local magazine, I got to the task of doing just that. I felt so weird sending in my entry because the last time I had gotten something published in a newspaper was back in grade 7 or 8. After that I did work as editor in my school magazine during my senior year and published a few columns, but still. I had never published in Pakistan and it wasn't something that I had considered. Although part of me is pretty sure the poem won't make it through, lets just see what happens. I come to know this Friday, 'cause that's when the magazine comes out. So Sidra Chaudhry is doing things that she never thought she'd do. I mentioned this in a few blog entries before as well, so I'm sure you guys pretty much get the picture. :) Some of you might think I have gone mad, others might think I'm in love and still some others might have some other diagnosis of their own. Seriously, I don't know what's up with me. Or maybe I do and I'm just in denial. I got my dress for my upcoming welcome and the dude got a little carried away with making it. It is so ornate and it's so different from something I'd normally wear, but honestly looking at what others are wearing, I think I'm still very modest. It's such a hassle, getting matching shoes, matching jewelry and even a matching scarf to go with it. Ugh. Changing tracks, the weather's so beautiful today. It's raining like crazy and it's windy too. I feel like doing the bhangra on my terrace, but it's too cold. I just finished doing the surface anatomy of the lower limb and I am planning to do part of the upper limb because my assessment's close, but since I didn't nap in the afternoon, I dont feel I can retain much. I just can't get myself to study extra on weekdays, weekends are my ultimate study days. I have to go out in a while to get myself stuff for the welcome, see I told you, it has become a nuisance. Today was a good day at college, I don't know why. I was late in the morning, which sucked because I hate getting late. But the rest was cool, especially since the weather was so amazing. I'm going to end it here. :)

There Exists a Life..

There exists a life behind closed doors.
behind lurking shadows exists a galore,
of so many dreams and so many desires,
broken souls burning in extinguished fires.
it may seem like no breath remains,
as if everything was washed away with the rains,
but oh so wrong you all seem to be,
you fail to see what I can so clearly see,
a fragile piece of life clinging onto mirrors broken,
a small fragment of hope hanging in silence unspoken.
there, right there under the debris of decree,
lies a life so dainty, so fragile, adorning the debris.

Jabs.

I know there's something wrong with me. I just know it. I tried jabbing at some urdu poetry today. I swear, this version of Sidra Chaudhry is so very foreign to me. I managed to write a stanza and a short 'poem' you can say and afterwards when I actually read it, I felt like washing my hands with soap like a ten million times or so. I couldn't believe I had written what I had written. lol. I'm putting it up here just for the heck of it. I know it's as lame as some verses off a truck or rickshaw's rear end, but here it goes anyways.

THE stanza:

Aadhi se zyada zindgi, kabhi kabhi,
lagnay lagti hai baymaani se,
jis tarha sooraj ki talaash mein koi,
bhaag raha ho saraab kay peechay.

THE poem:

Sard ahoo'n kay samandar mein,

doobtay doobtay aik umer beet gayi hai,

aik uss pal ki yaadoo'n mein jesay,

saari zindagi theher si gayi hai.

apni hee awaaz lagnay lagi hai parayi,

kuch aisey hee mazak, zindgi ker gayi hai.

ab tu andheroo'n aur ujaaloo'n mein tafreek he kahan,

ab tu lagta hai sab shameei'n aik saath utar gayi hai.

unhein saayoo'n kay peechay bhaagtay guzri zindgi,

ab tu jesay sab saayoo'n ko hawa apnay saath ura le gayi hai.

neem kay patoo'n ki manind karwi karwi wohi baatein yaad ati hain ab,

ab tu sirf unki tooti huwi yaadein zinda reh gayi hai,

baith ker aik konay mein iss jahaan kay mein sochti hoon kabhi,

ab kya kerna inn arzoo'on ka, jo kirchiyan ban ker rooh mein chub gayi hain.

daur zindgi ki thaamnay ki nakaam justuju mein,

ab ankhoo'n se sab khoon-alood khwahishaat hee beh gayi hain.

So ewwwww, right? :)
I know.

Nonsense.

I don't know how, I don't know when,
but this feeling's becoming such a burden,
there's so much of confusion, so many mind games,
everything's so very different, nothing feels the same,
I'm sometimes feeling so light and at times so low,
it's like I'm being bounced up and down like a yo yo,
the simplest words, the simplest gestures leave me dazed,
at myself, my words and my actions, I'm so utterly amazed.
I never thought I would, I never thought I could,
just be another girl, never knew it actually would,
happen so quickly, so suddenly that it would knock me down,
head first, face flat and with myself sprawled on ground,
I fail to recognize myself often, wondering where I stand,
here I am waiting for someone to extend a hand,
I mean, what the hell's wrong with me?
Why am I becoming such a big sissy!

Note to self: Ughhhhhhh. Sidra, shut up and go to bed.

Flying Shards.

I was holding it like a shard,
the piercing pain made it so hard,
to let go, to let loose, to forget,
to wash off the misery, the regret.

But then I decided I had to let go,
I couldn't let this pain flow,
through my life from beginning to end,
I had to end this never-ending trend.

So I burned, I cremated all that I could,
the ashes flew around me, leaving me for good.
I had never felt so lighter, so weightless before,
I felt so clean, so purged, so lively from the core.

Just Like That.

Shut up.

I am angry. I really, really am. I don't know why. I'm just going to write crap like my usual self. It's pointless saying anything to anyone, hence the blog entry. Beware, this entry will contain the most haphazard stuff that won't make sense, even to me I'm predicting. So sometimes in our lives, we stand at a point where we fail to even recognize ourselves. Whatever we do, say or think suddenly seems to freaking foreign to us, it's as if someone else is controlling us, dictating our moves, shaking us to conform to something we always had an aversion for. It's annoying, it's freaky, it's just so pointless and beyond my comprehension skills. I feel like a puny little sixth grader, going goo-goo eyed at the miracles of this dark, dark world. And oh yes, let me not forget to add that I am getting better and better at making a fool out of myself too. So Sidra Chaudhry put herself in a position, so awkward and so weird that only she can feel what it's like. It's like trying to get on a revolving merry-go-round. I'm holding onto a pole, hopping up and down, trying to step onto the moving platform. All I see are swirls and funny horse heads bobbing up and down in front of my eyes and I'm just standing there clueless.

Nothing, but Eyes.

She stared with eyes of stone,
her gaze pierced me through,
I didn't even know, why so?
I just assumed, it was nothing.

But the eyes followed me,
wherever I went, they seemed to be,
I ducked, I covered myself,
but I couldn't escape, I was caught,
but then again, it was nothing, I thought.

Silent she was, never said a word,
or maybe I never bothered, never heard,
even her quiescence seemed to talk,
obstruct me in my blithed walk,
but like my usual self I thought, she was nothing.

Misty and yet so very clear,
her eyes seemed so full of fear,
of what was to come, what was to happen,
to me or to her, of how time was misshapen.
She stared at me long and hard,
her eyes watered, glistening every shard,
of her broken soul and tattered heart,
I was watching her, as she broke apart.
It was all in the eyes, I didn't have to go deeper,
they were holding so much back, those secret keepers.

I never saw her again waiting in the rain,
standing under a broken shed and shivering,
turning her head around again and again,
just to check whether I was around the bend,
looking so aloof, carefree she was, she'd pretend.
The sidewalk was empty, the shadowy figure gone,
She was no more, she was gone, had become foregone.

I can't get those eyes out of my head,
although it has been a decade since she's dead,
they still follow me wherever my feet carry me,
through every happiness and sorrow, they see,
So used to their presence I am now,
how would I live without them, just how?
I miss how I felt that there was nothing,
but now I know there was always something,
and that something was meant to be everything,
and now I want her back like anything,
but in the end I know, I'm left with nothing.
Just those two eyes, staring at me so helplessly,
asking me, questioning me, smiling at me,
tossing me around in whirlpools of craze,
the memories of those eyes just fail to erase.

Upper Limbs :p

Today was such a crazy day. Lol. I had my first spotting/viva and instead of diligently studying before the test, I was busy laughing my guts out with my friends- Usman, Sahla and Sehr. We sat in the "spiral groove", discussed the various movements of muscles [innhein logo'n ne :P for adduction and abduction, lol], sang tiger biscuit jingles and made our plan "a trip to the zoo". I know it sounds so very crazy, but trust me, it was even more crazier than this. I laughed and laughed till my stomach hurt, my jaw ached and there were tears in my eyes. Sighs.

Become.

With each breath that rises and falls,
a life I once lived from a distance calls,
I lift up my head from undercover,
strain my neck and try to look over,
what I see leaves me in awe,
how long I had waited for life to thaw,
with each little smile I saw from the past,
the joy that had died, suddenly arose at last,
the tears that I had counted so many times,
suddenly dried to the sound of sweet chimes,
I yearned for the same voice to call out my name,
as I heard it call out for me, again and again.
I tried to touch the face so clear,
only to realize it was a mirage, not real,
with a sudden dejection my eyes drooped down,
I had almost forgot in life I was only to frown,
one last glance I wanted desperately to give,
in hopes that all those I loved would forgive,
my mistakes, my errors, my cruelest acts,
my betrayal, hypocrisy and breakage of pacts,
I sat down with exhaustion on a corner stone,
leaning against it so frail and so alone,
I yearned for a child to rest his head on my lap,
how I wished with my favorite teddy I could nap,
the stench of the tobacco, be replaced with roses,
my burning soul under the influence restlessly doses,
I wonder to myself about what I have become,
a useless tool, an injured bird, a discarded bread crumb?
Whirlpools of burning questions dance in my head,
maybe, just maybe I would be better off dead,
I'm not scared of death, but I wonder how,
am I ready to even face God right now?
What would I tell Him? What would I say?
I was just a waste of sand, soul and clay?
Doesn't He see Himself how I have become so frail?
how every try of mine in this life utterly failed.
Would He still judge me? Ask me why I did?
What would I answer, how off sins would I get rid?
I kneeled down meekly on my skinned knees,
begging and crying, hoping He'd listen to my pleas.
I stared into the open sky over my head,
to take me wherever the right path lead,
I was sick of the darkness and wished for light,
I no longer had doubts about the Al-Mighty's might.
My hands trembled as I raised them together,
palms facing me with uncertain stature,
staring at my face with an amazement so great,
wondering why I was raising them in prayer so late,
I felt the whole world disappear around,
I had no sense of a sky above or a ground,
I suddenly was bathed in a flush of light,
not a living soul was now in my sight,
I closed my eyes tightly shut,
I didn't want this journey to end as yet,
I could feel the light penetrate my heart,
I wanted it to break my old self apart,
my lips quivered with each silent prayer,
my palms clenched in fists now, so tauter.
Tears streamed down my cheeks onto my lips,
they failed to stop, even by my finger tips,
I just wanted to live another life again,
to shed off the misery, the loss, and the pain,
flashes and blurs from the past haunted me,
I wanted to run away from all the misery,
I cried out loud and hoped He'd hear,
then a warmth filled me and I knew He was there,
listening to me so patiently and quietly,
waiting for me to beg for forgiveness and mercy,
I wanted to pound my head on the cold floor,
to seek redemption and ask for a chance once more,
to live a life that I always wished for,
to forget the times that had turned me sour,
I don't recall when the night turned into day,
but the sun came out and erased all the gray,
I suddenly felt like a weightless feather,
floating in the breeze in such beautiful weather,
I had been forgiven, given a chance to live once more,
to become a better soul and replenish my very core,
I looked again at the sky up so high,
so thankful, so grateful to the Lord was I.

Erase.

I heard "My Immortal" by Evanescence yesterday after almost a year. Brought back so many memories of the times when some freshman had sung this song on the talent show back in high school. Well anyways, I am having very surreal days these days. I feel like 'Sidra Chaudhry' from 6-D all over again- same emotions bubbling up and down, same stupid and silly gestures and actions...same everything, but different everyone. sighs. Sometimes I feel like telling myself, "Man, Sidra, get a grip on yourself. Step out of this time capsule you're stuck in!" But I'm one thick-skinned person, so I never listen..even to myself at times. Changing tracks, I touched a cadaver for the first time in my life today. It felt so cold and so weird. I'm struggling upstream to do the upper limb..hate it with a passion so strong that I can't find words big enough to describe my hatred. lol. ummm, besides that not much is up really. I don't even know why I'm still typing away nonsense. I think it's because I've written so many poems that my blog has become so boring and very uptight, wanted to break the monotony. Yesterday, Rajeel, Hassan, Sehr, Sahla, Emmal, Mahrukh and I went for a walk from college to the I-8 Markaz. It was so cool. lol. Fun, really. But I was so beat when I came back home, I just hit the sack immediately and didn't feel like coming out of bed at all. The political scenario in Pakistan is bad. I'm not following the news much, but after the attack on the Sri Lankan team and Sharif brothers fiascos, a lot of unrest has been observed in various parts of our great nation. There's supposed to be a nationwide protest tomorrow, but still my college chose to stay open. I really don't feel like going, I'd rather sit and home and try to study. But I have to go because I promised my favorite pathan aka Sahla that I'd come. I just tried to read up the forearm and I'm struggling to retain all the information. Today was a crazy day. Hassan, Rajeel, Sehr, and Usman bugged me a lot. I hate you all. lol. Naa, I don't. You people are my sahelas and sahelis. =)
Anyways, I'm going to end. This is getting extremely sad.

PS- I'm not as sad as it seems. =)

And I walk alone.

I just know that my feet walk in front,
where they are headed, I have no clue.
As the sun sets on the horizon,
my eyes wander around in search of you.
The branches whisper to each other,
wondering over my wandering so late,
how I wish I could sit and explain,
to them the mysteries of my fate.
The pelting stones of the past,
fall on my shoulders, weigh me down,
I can see my knees sinking so fast,
in great depths of anguish I drown.
I can barely look up into your eyes,
that's how much I've been wounded by lies,
Laughter is rare, smiles so foreign,
I'm trapped in a bubble, so bleak and barren.
My screams hardly recognized even by me,
I gasp for air, but there's hardly any.
I try to keep walking ahead,
into a land of broken and the dead,
where there would be no mortal,
I'm trying to find that enchanted portal.
I have to force myself to move,
the burden of the world is so hard to remove.
I walk over mud, I walk through snow,
still where I'm going, I don't really know.
All I know is that I walk alone,
in this world of strangers, so very alone.

Seal.

I don't want to speak,
for I don't want to let it all out.
The tears are pushing against my lids,
just too desperate to seep out,
I want to seal my lips forever,
take this secret with me to grave,
I'm sure there's nothing I can do,
to save myself from this disgrace.
I want to seal myself in a shell,
so that I don't have to tell,
the broken stories that make me.

Of What Is Left.

Black and white photos,
old tunes from a guitar,
leftover pencil shavings,
memories from a land so far,
a broken CD playing,
in the silence of the messy room,
the musty smell of old cologne,
aggravating the gloom,
the echoes of laughter,
the remnants of joy,
the moisture of tears,
the happily ever afters,
everything such a distant memory,
like an abandoned dry leaf from a tree,
in the autumns of solitude,
every little wound so helpless and nude.
Familiar faces follow me around,
their footsteps I hear like vivid sounds,
they whisper in my ears about the past,
of how everything ended so very fast,
when I turn back to look behind me,
I'm warned I will turn to stone,
but I don't seem to mind since,
I'm sure it's better than feeling so alone.
The tunes from the guitar,
the melodies from the violin,
the keys of the piano that danced,
all play in my head together,
the sounds get louder and louder,
the beats faster and faster,
I'm shaking till the core,
I can't take any more,
but this feeling fails to end,
for pain has become my friend.
As I'm spinning in a vortex of time,
I hear distant bells chime,
in an array of haphazard vignettes,
I witness so many silhouettes,
of my loved ones, each one by one,
of those I left behind to run,
off to greener pastures I once craved,
of the illusions that left me shaved.
Sighs are left to echo in the calm,
I'm alone to stare at my palms,
trying to decipher what lines say,
whether they too would betray,

What I Am.

A worthless shadow climbing a wall,
just another drop in the ocean,
another illusion just to allure,
that's what I am, that's all.
A tale forgotten, a story told,
a battered soul, so tattered and old,
a soul devoid of any essence,
a rose missing its own fragrance,
that's what I am, that's all.
A forlorn drop of bloody rains,
someone who has wept in vain,
an abandoned soda can on the ground,
a song so strange without a sound,
that what I am, that's all.