Dear Life,
Sometimes I want to be a kid again...Laugh at Barney's lame jokes, help figure out Blue's clues, gloat over Dora's successes and cheer for the Power Rangers as they pounded their enemies. But here I am, in some lalaland, thinking to myself about you as you unfold in front of me. I don't want to hate you. But sometimes you end up giving me reasons to start doubting you, scrutinizing you. You make me want to sit down in a corner and sulk at times. On some days, I want to pick up all the colors of the universe and paint the sky with such bright colors that my own eyes would ache at the chilli powder red, turmeric golds and sapphire blues. Life, I know I'm not making sense, but trust me, I'm doing just what you do to me at times. This sounds erratic, yes, I know that too. Just like the way you can be. People walk in and out of you as I witness their footprints engraved in the deepest crevices of my heart, as they come and as they leave. Each of them with a unique story behind them, lurking behind them like a loyal shadow, which they cast on others without even realizing at times. There are so many songs about you, so many quotes, so many stories, but I have still failed to understand you. I wonder why. I'm often lying in bed, staring at the ceiling and wondering about you, that's just how much pain you give me. You even deprive me of my sleep, one of my few outlets from this frustrated place. Sometimes I try to turn myself to stone, so that I can withstand your blows- one by one. Each night I tell myself before closing my eyes that you will become friends with me, some day or the other. I try to lull my fears to sleep before I can fall asleep myself. But you have your ways, don't you? A minute, a second, nothing's to be relied upon. You grab me from the back, pin me to the ground & suffocate me with an overdose of you. My eyes have given up, they know there's no use filling pails of water over you. You are so cruel, that's why. You won't listen, won't budge. It's like you've drawn a big, fat red circle around me. I can't step out of it or over it. I just keep rotating on the inside and watch helplessly as you shower others with so much and flirt around with them. I want to smile, but my smiles just out to be so hollow, so incomplete, like dark half moons, floating aimlessly in night skies. Are you all about pain, misery, longing, broken dreams, scars and tears? Or is there more to you that you just fail to show me? I'm blinded or maybe blind-folded. I just don't know. You know what I feel like doing at times? I feel like running through jungles of barren trees barefooted and experiencing the jolt of pain as each stone, thorn and broken branch lunges towards me. I want to close my eyes and inhale the cold winds that beat against my face as I charge amidst the silent forest around me. I don't want to stop, even my useless tears fail to bring me to a halt. The tears do blur my vision, I can hardly make out what lies ahead- a tall tree or a familiar face with arms wide open. I just keep running, each thud wildly echoing in my ears as I try to reach out to the mirage overhead. Then I realize that it was just you, waiting to devour me with your arms wide open, deceiving me into thinking it was a harmless and warm embrace. And I let you do it. Because I know there's no way I can step out of the red circle around me. I know I will blow up into a million pieces, each bit reaching the furthest corners of the globe- too difficult for anyone to be put together again. You push me into such depths into oceans of doubt and thought that I struggle to resurface. For every splash that my arms and legs make against the icy waters, a wave of dread envelops me from top to bottom. I try to keep my head up, the only sign of life in me. But you pull me back in, you are tied to me like a heavy rock. You don't rest until you've seen me go blue in face while trying to reach a treatise with you. You love it, don't you? You get a high each time you do this to me. Nonetheless, I still let you do it. The reason, I don't know yet. When you've had enough with playing around with me, you drag me by my shoulders to the shore. I'm wet against the burning sands and you make sure that each inch of my skin experiences the pain of burns as you pull me along with you. Then when we reach a point, you just dump me with the sea shells, like a big oil spill. Left there to dirty the surroundings with my mere presence. My shivers, cries, cyanotic face, quivering lips don't affect you. You smile, because you've done your job. You have done it well. There I am- still shivering in the cold wind, with my knees drawn closer to my chin, my chin resting on my knees, hugging myself, trying to keep myself warm. The specks of sand stick to me, layering me with another sheet of guilt. I suddenly want the sands to suck me into them. But I know you wouldn't want anything to go my way. As I try to bury myself in the sands, there you come again. Pick me up, shuffle me in the air, so weightless for you I am. You toss me into a cloud. So foolish of me that I thought I'd be living there forever, that you'd leave me alone and forgive me for bearing with you for so long. I collide into a meshwork of what apparently was cotton, but it was a sea of broken mirrors. There was pain, then tingling, then numbness. A cycle, yes, like a very familiar cycle of burning, melting and decaying. I couldn't help but smile as I witnessed a million pieces of me fly around to adorn this very beautiful world that I so badly wanted to bury behind me.
Thank you for bearing me for so long.
S.C
Sometimes I want to be a kid again...Laugh at Barney's lame jokes, help figure out Blue's clues, gloat over Dora's successes and cheer for the Power Rangers as they pounded their enemies. But here I am, in some lalaland, thinking to myself about you as you unfold in front of me. I don't want to hate you. But sometimes you end up giving me reasons to start doubting you, scrutinizing you. You make me want to sit down in a corner and sulk at times. On some days, I want to pick up all the colors of the universe and paint the sky with such bright colors that my own eyes would ache at the chilli powder red, turmeric golds and sapphire blues. Life, I know I'm not making sense, but trust me, I'm doing just what you do to me at times. This sounds erratic, yes, I know that too. Just like the way you can be. People walk in and out of you as I witness their footprints engraved in the deepest crevices of my heart, as they come and as they leave. Each of them with a unique story behind them, lurking behind them like a loyal shadow, which they cast on others without even realizing at times. There are so many songs about you, so many quotes, so many stories, but I have still failed to understand you. I wonder why. I'm often lying in bed, staring at the ceiling and wondering about you, that's just how much pain you give me. You even deprive me of my sleep, one of my few outlets from this frustrated place. Sometimes I try to turn myself to stone, so that I can withstand your blows- one by one. Each night I tell myself before closing my eyes that you will become friends with me, some day or the other. I try to lull my fears to sleep before I can fall asleep myself. But you have your ways, don't you? A minute, a second, nothing's to be relied upon. You grab me from the back, pin me to the ground & suffocate me with an overdose of you. My eyes have given up, they know there's no use filling pails of water over you. You are so cruel, that's why. You won't listen, won't budge. It's like you've drawn a big, fat red circle around me. I can't step out of it or over it. I just keep rotating on the inside and watch helplessly as you shower others with so much and flirt around with them. I want to smile, but my smiles just out to be so hollow, so incomplete, like dark half moons, floating aimlessly in night skies. Are you all about pain, misery, longing, broken dreams, scars and tears? Or is there more to you that you just fail to show me? I'm blinded or maybe blind-folded. I just don't know. You know what I feel like doing at times? I feel like running through jungles of barren trees barefooted and experiencing the jolt of pain as each stone, thorn and broken branch lunges towards me. I want to close my eyes and inhale the cold winds that beat against my face as I charge amidst the silent forest around me. I don't want to stop, even my useless tears fail to bring me to a halt. The tears do blur my vision, I can hardly make out what lies ahead- a tall tree or a familiar face with arms wide open. I just keep running, each thud wildly echoing in my ears as I try to reach out to the mirage overhead. Then I realize that it was just you, waiting to devour me with your arms wide open, deceiving me into thinking it was a harmless and warm embrace. And I let you do it. Because I know there's no way I can step out of the red circle around me. I know I will blow up into a million pieces, each bit reaching the furthest corners of the globe- too difficult for anyone to be put together again. You push me into such depths into oceans of doubt and thought that I struggle to resurface. For every splash that my arms and legs make against the icy waters, a wave of dread envelops me from top to bottom. I try to keep my head up, the only sign of life in me. But you pull me back in, you are tied to me like a heavy rock. You don't rest until you've seen me go blue in face while trying to reach a treatise with you. You love it, don't you? You get a high each time you do this to me. Nonetheless, I still let you do it. The reason, I don't know yet. When you've had enough with playing around with me, you drag me by my shoulders to the shore. I'm wet against the burning sands and you make sure that each inch of my skin experiences the pain of burns as you pull me along with you. Then when we reach a point, you just dump me with the sea shells, like a big oil spill. Left there to dirty the surroundings with my mere presence. My shivers, cries, cyanotic face, quivering lips don't affect you. You smile, because you've done your job. You have done it well. There I am- still shivering in the cold wind, with my knees drawn closer to my chin, my chin resting on my knees, hugging myself, trying to keep myself warm. The specks of sand stick to me, layering me with another sheet of guilt. I suddenly want the sands to suck me into them. But I know you wouldn't want anything to go my way. As I try to bury myself in the sands, there you come again. Pick me up, shuffle me in the air, so weightless for you I am. You toss me into a cloud. So foolish of me that I thought I'd be living there forever, that you'd leave me alone and forgive me for bearing with you for so long. I collide into a meshwork of what apparently was cotton, but it was a sea of broken mirrors. There was pain, then tingling, then numbness. A cycle, yes, like a very familiar cycle of burning, melting and decaying. I couldn't help but smile as I witnessed a million pieces of me fly around to adorn this very beautiful world that I so badly wanted to bury behind me.
Thank you for bearing me for so long.
S.C
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