Numb.

i rubbed my wings against each other to check whether i still had the ability to fly. i had been scarred, my wings brutally clipped off, bruised, burnt under the hue of life. i would try to look around for a familiar face, one i could look at and smile, one i could look at for solace. but in the arid desert zone of my life, i saw none. for i was all alone struggling with my own ego, my integrity and my own being. ---- and then he comes along, wearing his emotions on his sleeve and trying to allure me to the world of his dreams and wishes. and i, thirsty after a tedious flight succumb to his dominion and dance as he dictates his tunes.--- such drama in the world, such ridicule? huh, hurts, somewhere deep inside. when two worlds collide, the internal and the external explode into nothingness. when light and dark all seem the same.-- and the people who have scarred me? where are they? why can't i see them anymore? has the sky swallowed them or have the soils buried their souls deep inside? the ones who mocked at my sensitivity, at my innocence and at my generosity. i guess it's pay back time. --- when everything flows in one direction, why do people toss pebbles to observe the different whirlpools in another's life? amusing? is it? beguiling? yeah right. *sighs* even if you bring the whole world to me, and i pinpoint what i exactly want you to do for me, you won't succeed. bear that in mind.--- you might have seen me against the word love, intimacy and emotions, but trust me. there's nobody as sensitive as me on this issue. maybe i do adore someone, maybe that one person who i say "wears his emotions his sleeve" has won. he knows the art of winning hearts and penetrating in one's soul, slowly and gradually. like poison from venom secretly spreads through the vessels of life to lull your heartbeats. am i being poisoned? ha, good question, but with no answer. am i too idealistic for you? yes maybe. but to some i am cruelly and coldy pragmatic. opulence doesn't intrigue me much. i love loving my life and myself inspite of all the wrongs that may be possible. is that running away from reality? is that fearing change? why is that i don't crave attention, yet want to leave people in awe as i whiz by? maybe i am just one weird person. weirder than the people i accuse of being weird. how exactly can we be sure we're normal. we all are NOT normal, as mundane as it sounds, being NOT NORMAL is NORMAL nowadays. run topless, go drink, get drugged, all's part of life. where's the time to go and feed the animals? milk the cows? reep the hay? i need some makeovers. i need to amend my life. for my sake. for the sake of me, myself and i. i know nobody's going to honor me and my work by a trophy, but that shudn't make me a cynic. there's no nepenthe in life, no such thing as that. you have create that potion yourself and gulp it down straight into your heart through your throat. a bitter pill to swallow, but there it is. yeah call me weird. label me if you like. but this is the way i am. hypocritical and very intolerant. people have a divided opinion about me. i can be very unpredictable. what have i done that ppl love me so much? i fail to understand that? and he.. that he, i don't think there's anything more to say. claims, and airy promises are something just anyone can make. but why do i want to believe it, even if it sounds fanciful? i have built huge dikes all around me, with a tiny hole. i peek through it from time to time to see the green pastures beyond. but then there are times when i put my little finger through and seclude myself from the world outside. hermetic? stoic? call me whatever you want. i won't say the world doesn't amuse me. i am just running blindly with my eyes wide open.---the fresh air rustled my hair and cooled my eyes. and i squinted in the sunlight as it tried to devour my darkness. there was this one light that weaved its ways throughout my perplexed life. it zigged zagged its way through all the ruins to the dark core of my being. and then when a mountain of revelations breaks upon my head, i realize that life's not straight. it's a twisty road to nowhere, and we all need directions. that one "he" has so much in him. a world on the inside, which i have managed to penetrate through bit by bit. a hollow cliff, hanging onto itself. am i drowning gradually under the name of just wading in the pool? a dark pool with depths unknown. i don't know. but i can't shut my heart to the realities. i need to sew my lips together. i can't, and i won't. it's not ego, it's just a feeble attempt to make things better for him and me. and as we sit together and wait, we weave a web of familiarity. we entangle our thoughts of each other, become each other's destiny. the wait in my eyes hides the waters waiting to break those dams. to flow over them and replenish my being. and as i laugh, my skin creases and fills with agony of hope, and of desire. or is it both? i have again screwed up the things that meant so much to me. i almost fell to my knees and got up with a jolt of defiance. no, i can never let that happen to me. the spiral tightens around my heart and he devoured my soul right out of me. and i sit there and speak hollow words that provide me with titular relief. no, you need to go on. you have a whole world on your shoulders. the burden of which was a joy for you to carry and now you feel a little bit of reluctance to talk about. why is it? have you ever felt lonely in a throng of people? doubted the sincerity of those who vow to support you through thick or thin? have you wondered about what you were actually doing? have you ever felt yourself too engrossed in work to notice there's a whole world operating outside your own 2cm^2 of a world? stories, yeah maybe. this is and can be told as a story. not a sad, happy, or tragic event. but as a well-rounded story. about a girl who lived and is still living and breathing with each word as she sits and types......let me cry, for this might be the last time tears come out of my eyes. he left, leaving all my thoughts entangled within the each other, like a KG kid who just realizes his favorite red ballon has popped. gone, as simple as that. so easily he wriggled his way out of my heart and i just fill my cracked heart with hopes and tried to fix it with a band aid. i have bookmarked and closed that chapter in the book of my life. if he is really destined to be mine, nothing can change it. i feel much in control now, alhamdullilah. I love my God, He is there to protect me. ---- and sometimes i wonder whether people ever run out of life? --- they laugh, they mock, they jeer.. but i am indifferent to it. something does pinch me, but i won't let it get to me. those twists and turns of fate just test me and my faith, i won't let myself fail and fall into the tricks of a mirage. yes, i hate, but i would like to turn into a sponge. absorb all the hatred, the negativity that burns like embers in the deepest chambers of the soul. ---- there's a web around me that i built to see the world through crevices of silk.--- i tried to burn, to light the world, to see how much it hurts to burn and rot, but spread darkness instead of light.-- uproot all evils? you must be kidding. the roots entangle our very foundations from beginning to end.-- when everything collides into you, you turn numb to the very core of your being.