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Thursday, October 30, 2008

Blood & Sweat.


A green truck made its way through the empty and dimly lit street in the whey hours of the morning. The truck stopped at a dead end. Two orange-uniformed bodies hopped off the back to haul a massive garbage can into the back compartment of the garbage truck. The metallic collision made a clunking noise as the contents of the trash emptied into the truck. Two ungloved hands and unmasked faces tried to search for anything they could keep for themselves. One got hold of a tattered shirt and another a half-empty can of milk. The garbage can once back in its proper place, the uniformed bodies again hanging from the truck’s back , the truck got on with its journey. ..


Each time I stayed up late for no good reason and sat with my laptop near the living room window, I heard the audible “clunk” that told me about their arrival around 4 A.M. I’d cease whatever I was doing as my ears stood up to listen to anything that followed the clunk- sometimes silence, sometimes a hasty exchange of words in Bengali or Hindi, or sometimes just the starting up of the engine, indicating their work in my street was over. Even long after they left, I’d be left to ponder about the soul trapped behind that orange uniform. Did he dream of a Yamaha R1 bike? Did he ever desire of eating from Chilis or sipping on coffee from Starbucks? Did he ever want to buy himself shoes from Aldo? I just wondered and there it would be time for them to come again the next morning.


Each year during my traveling episodes from King Fahd International Airport, Dammam, I witnessed several “attention-catching” things. I saw groups of Sri Lankan and Indonesian maids, dressed in rather shabby and sub-standard clothes, smiles on their faces, a glint in their eyes as they boarded their flights back home. I saw clusters of Pakistani, Bengali and Indian laborers being shoved into lines under verbal lashes in Arabic, slurs shouted at them when they failed to understand the thick Arabic language. The look of fear and excitement on their faces was evident as they aligned themselves according to the commands of the airport staff. I saw a laborer carrying a lot of luggage- a television set, a radio, and large suit cases of clothes, hand bags, all bought from whole-sale stores that sold them at cheaper rates. He had dressed himself up in jeans and a tee-shirt, something he never normally wore during work. He had made himself look as happy and jubilant as possible, to mask up the ugliness of his life abroad. He didn’t want his family questioning and worrying about their only son, who had to shoulder the responsibilties of raising his wife and kids, and his unmarried siblings, and of course the ailing parents. His luggage seemed to telling a story of its own, nobody could have imagined that a simple sweeper in a government hospital would earn such a fortune to afford buying such things. But nobody knew that besides sweeping hospital wards how many cars he had washed, how many houses he had cleaned, how many hours overtime he had worked, how many months he had cut down his dinners to gather the amount he had so lavishly spent now just to raise his parents’ status back in his rural village. Really, nobody knew. Only he did.
Every year, all around the world, the lowest classes desperately apply to work abroad as laborers, janitors, maids, cleaning staff, and drivers. Each individual weary of his or her poverty-stricken circumstances and burdens. Every year, thousands of workers are “imported” to clean the streets, change diapers, sweep floors, drive around their masters, and build houses. And every year, many are abused, mistreated, and harassed, only because they look different, do different and are different. The newspapers are pouring with news of maids being sexually targeted, of drivers being questioned by the police on basis of some random suspicion and dying in police custody, stories of workers being beaten to death by their owners over asking a salary raise.


All this disgusts me. I cease to think we’re all human. Are we really? Binge-eating ourselves and starving our housekeepers? Spending a few hundred bucks on the latest fads while people around us sleep in lice-infested mattresses? So what if you have all the money in the world that you can actually go stashing people's mouth with 100 dollar bills? You are POOR if you have no HUMANITY, MORALS, and VIRTUES. It was just another hot summer afternoon on my way back to home, when I witnessed one of the most pathetic acts on the sidewalk. We were waiting at the red light and this Indian janitor was on his bicycle just on the other side of the road. He was parked near a Saudi's car and that Saudi backed up his car and threw the janitor off his bicycle. Instead of apologizing for his mistake, he goes on scolding the poor guy for being blind and not being at the right place. My heart went out to that poor Indian custodian, who tolerated the harsh comments and quietly picked up his 3-compartment stainless steel lunch box and rode off. How many times are we going to let this happen? Each day we have a million people who are oppressing or are oppressed by others! WHY? Is it really very necessary to exert your so-called "flawless aura" over another individual to prove your right to exist and dominate mankind? I don't think so. That Saudi should have realized that that Indian janitor, who he sees not even worth the trash he collects, actually contributes to keeping Saudi Arabia clean. What contributions is the Saudi dude making himself? Nada. Zilch. Nothing.


A long sigh, that’s all that comes up at the end. But why should the people who keep our roads clean, our rooms tidy, who sing lullabies to our kids, who prepare our meals and who carry our baggage be treated so ruthlessly? They are human too, they have blood and flesh too. They hurt, the way we do. They cry, they laugh, they have joys and tears, just like you and me. Then why? Why is it that the deserving ones are oppressed into silence? Why does the whole lot suffer due to a few black sheep? This “why” needs to be answered. The earlier, the better.



Blood can’t be equated to sweat.
But I have seen, blood turn to water,
As it flows from gashed veins,
To enrich the barren sands,
Of riches and galore.
And then as tears flow down my cheeks,
I’m often left to wonder,
Is being human only about having eyes and ears?
What good are eyes blind to crimes?
What good are ears deaf to cries?
We are all asleep.
We need to wake up.
Get up and hear the call,
Break those chains,
And end the pains,
Turns those losses into gains.

Barren.

Once upon a time I cared
for all the times we spent,
now all I have left in my hands,
are shattered dreams and regret.

I walk alone on familiar lanes,
rainy days and shadowy trees.
My heart sinks in inrecognizable pains,
I burnt myself to bear tortures like these.

Running away from the past that I had,
shaking with fear as it catches up with me,
leaving me restless, hopeless and mad,
further spoiling my already cursed up decree.

I collect my tears in jars of flesh,
squinting to the blinding sunshine,
my heart now churned into mesh,
giving away whatever was mine.

My pillow bears the burden of my head,
engrossed in thoughts of me and you,
wondering why this had to end,
trying to find the faintest clue.

The waves of pain rise and fall,
beating against the shore of my breath,
for help, don't know who to call,
poison fills my veins, forming a venomous wreath.

My eyes forgot to blink,
my heart forgot to beat,
this is what love brings, i think,
just a very miserable defeat.

Numb.

i rubbed my wings against each other to check whether i still had the ability to fly. i had been scarred, my wings brutally clipped off, bruised, burnt under the hue of life. i would try to look around for a familiar face, one i could look at and smile, one i could look at for solace. but in the arid desert zone of my life, i saw none. for i was all alone struggling with my own ego, my integrity and my own being. ---- and then he comes along, wearing his emotions on his sleeve and trying to allure me to the world of his dreams and wishes. and i, thirsty after a tedious flight succumb to his dominion and dance as he dictates his tunes.--- such drama in the world, such ridicule? huh, hurts, somewhere deep inside. when two worlds collide, the internal and the external explode into nothingness. when light and dark all seem the same.-- and the people who have scarred me? where are they? why can't i see them anymore? has the sky swallowed them or have the soils buried their souls deep inside? the ones who mocked at my sensitivity, at my innocence and at my generosity. i guess it's pay back time. --- when everything flows in one direction, why do people toss pebbles to observe the different whirlpools in another's life? amusing? is it? beguiling? yeah right. *sighs* even if you bring the whole world to me, and i pinpoint what i exactly want you to do for me, you won't succeed. bear that in mind.--- you might have seen me against the word love, intimacy and emotions, but trust me. there's nobody as sensitive as me on this issue. maybe i do adore someone, maybe that one person who i say "wears his emotions his sleeve" has won. he knows the art of winning hearts and penetrating in one's soul, slowly and gradually. like poison from venom secretly spreads through the vessels of life to lull your heartbeats. am i being poisoned? ha, good question, but with no answer. am i too idealistic for you? yes maybe. but to some i am cruelly and coldy pragmatic. opulence doesn't intrigue me much. i love loving my life and myself inspite of all the wrongs that may be possible. is that running away from reality? is that fearing change? why is that i don't crave attention, yet want to leave people in awe as i whiz by? maybe i am just one weird person. weirder than the people i accuse of being weird. how exactly can we be sure we're normal. we all are NOT normal, as mundane as it sounds, being NOT NORMAL is NORMAL nowadays. run topless, go drink, get drugged, all's part of life. where's the time to go and feed the animals? milk the cows? reep the hay? i need some makeovers. i need to amend my life. for my sake. for the sake of me, myself and i. i know nobody's going to honor me and my work by a trophy, but that shudn't make me a cynic. there's no nepenthe in life, no such thing as that. you have create that potion yourself and gulp it down straight into your heart through your throat. a bitter pill to swallow, but there it is. yeah call me weird. label me if you like. but this is the way i am. hypocritical and very intolerant. people have a divided opinion about me. i can be very unpredictable. what have i done that ppl love me so much? i fail to understand that? and he.. that he, i don't think there's anything more to say. claims, and airy promises are something just anyone can make. but why do i want to believe it, even if it sounds fanciful? i have built huge dikes all around me, with a tiny hole. i peek through it from time to time to see the green pastures beyond. but then there are times when i put my little finger through and seclude myself from the world outside. hermetic? stoic? call me whatever you want. i won't say the world doesn't amuse me. i am just running blindly with my eyes wide open.---the fresh air rustled my hair and cooled my eyes. and i squinted in the sunlight as it tried to devour my darkness. there was this one light that weaved its ways throughout my perplexed life. it zigged zagged its way through all the ruins to the dark core of my being. and then when a mountain of revelations breaks upon my head, i realize that life's not straight. it's a twisty road to nowhere, and we all need directions. that one "he" has so much in him. a world on the inside, which i have managed to penetrate through bit by bit. a hollow cliff, hanging onto itself. am i drowning gradually under the name of just wading in the pool? a dark pool with depths unknown. i don't know. but i can't shut my heart to the realities. i need to sew my lips together. i can't, and i won't. it's not ego, it's just a feeble attempt to make things better for him and me. and as we sit together and wait, we weave a web of familiarity. we entangle our thoughts of each other, become each other's destiny. the wait in my eyes hides the waters waiting to break those dams. to flow over them and replenish my being. and as i laugh, my skin creases and fills with agony of hope, and of desire. or is it both? i have again screwed up the things that meant so much to me. i almost fell to my knees and got up with a jolt of defiance. no, i can never let that happen to me. the spiral tightens around my heart and he devoured my soul right out of me. and i sit there and speak hollow words that provide me with titular relief. no, you need to go on. you have a whole world on your shoulders. the burden of which was a joy for you to carry and now you feel a little bit of reluctance to talk about. why is it? have you ever felt lonely in a throng of people? doubted the sincerity of those who vow to support you through thick or thin? have you wondered about what you were actually doing? have you ever felt yourself too engrossed in work to notice there's a whole world operating outside your own 2cm^2 of a world? stories, yeah maybe. this is and can be told as a story. not a sad, happy, or tragic event. but as a well-rounded story. about a girl who lived and is still living and breathing with each word as she sits and types......let me cry, for this might be the last time tears come out of my eyes. he left, leaving all my thoughts entangled within the each other, like a KG kid who just realizes his favorite red ballon has popped. gone, as simple as that. so easily he wriggled his way out of my heart and i just fill my cracked heart with hopes and tried to fix it with a band aid. i have bookmarked and closed that chapter in the book of my life. if he is really destined to be mine, nothing can change it. i feel much in control now, alhamdullilah. I love my God, He is there to protect me. ---- and sometimes i wonder whether people ever run out of life? --- they laugh, they mock, they jeer.. but i am indifferent to it. something does pinch me, but i won't let it get to me. those twists and turns of fate just test me and my faith, i won't let myself fail and fall into the tricks of a mirage. yes, i hate, but i would like to turn into a sponge. absorb all the hatred, the negativity that burns like embers in the deepest chambers of the soul. ---- there's a web around me that i built to see the world through crevices of silk.--- i tried to burn, to light the world, to see how much it hurts to burn and rot, but spread darkness instead of light.-- uproot all evils? you must be kidding. the roots entangle our very foundations from beginning to end.-- when everything collides into you, you turn numb to the very core of your being.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Because life can't wait.

Before someone blatantly accuses me of being obsessed with TV commercials about shampoos, I want to explain that I have nothing to do with endorsing SunSilk products all over the Middle East, instead I'm rather impressed with how simply this one cheesy tagline holds such a deep meaning to it. Life, seriously, "can't" wait... It couldn't wait for me to get used to drinking from a cup instead of a bottle, it couldn't wait for me to keep holding my dad's finger to walk instead of running the mile in my gym class back in high school, it couldn't wait for me to sulk over how I got rejected by AKU, it couldn't wait for me to forever brood over the fact that I'd be away from my set of friends and familiar faces, whose shade I'd literally grown up under. I felt as I had to put all my efforts in to keep up with the fast pace of life. But anyways, no regrets, chin up and head high. Alhamdullilah!
Today was no different from any other day in my summer-mode-of-life. I woke up around 3 in the afternoon after sleeping at around 6 in the morning. Unhealthy, I know, but what else do I do? I woke up in the midst of cardboard boxes, suitcases, knicks and knacks all haphazardly adorning my bedroom floor. As soon as I rolled out of bed, I was greeted by a painful thud on my shin, due to a huge box lying just at the foot of my bed. The mere sight of such a mess was enough to irritate me to the extremes, so I set myself to the arduous task of clearing out the clutter and double-filtering so much of stuff from my luggage. I folded clothes, organized my never-ending scarf collection, looked over my other accessories that I "planned" to carry with me to the land of the Pakis. Who said packing was fun? Well, I thought that way until I had to solely take responsibility of it all. Sighs. As I was trying to make some "living space" for myself in my room, I came across so many tid bits stored here and there [read stashed] around in the most bizarre places. Honestly, I wasn't really surprised, since I knew I had done all this myself to evade my mom's frequent room inspections. Before your imagination runs wild to realms unknown, let me assure you that those "tid bits" consisted of incomplete friendship bands, old mittens, ticket stubs, candy wrappers, random ribbons, gift wrapping paper and other sort of miscellaneous junk that I had diligently gathered to make myself a scrapbook. I had started the scrapbook around July, a time when my wounds were fresh, I had freshly graduated and my memories and nostalgia were hitting me between the eyes every few hours. I had managed to complete one or two pages, and I really wanted to finish it up before college started. After finding the scrapbook in the darkest corner of my wardrobe, I decided to continue from where I had stopped. I wanted each page of the book to be a story of its own. The first page consisted of my graduation-related events. The next page talked about my senior year. The book follows a "downward spiral" sort of a theme, and I really don't know why I chose it to be that way. It was probably because we're so caught up with "WYSIWYG" [What You See Is What You Get"] mode of life, that we fail to see "beyond" the apparent. Yes, I graduated, but there was a whole tale behind it, full of laughter, joy, fun, tears, emotions, ups and downs...The story would be incomplete without the background. I really hope I get to complete it, although my laziness and procrastination's at peak levels!
Changing tracks, these days I'm trying to read an Urdu novel by a famous novelist, "Umera Ahmad", it's called "Thora Sa Aasman" [A Bit of the Sky]. So far, it's quite interesting. It talks about how everyone in their rat-race lives wants to gain everything in just a single and first attempt and how sometimes we sacrifise so much to gain hold of something that's nothing more than an illusion. Don't worry, I'm not going to the narrate the whole plot in here. If you're an Urdu-reader, I'd definitely recommend you to read it. Seriously, reading is so convenient. You just have to sit in a corner, get yourself something good to eat and keep reading on and on. You don't even have to move a muscle. THAT is just how lazy I have become. To add to the misery, I have started binge-eating like no other. Lays, Cheetos, Cadbury, Twix, Kinder Bueno, Doritoes, Pringles, Pepsi, Coke, it''s ALL in my digestive system. Unhealthy again, I know. Sighs. I need to do something about it too.
I'm so glad to be back home, it's not even funny. Not that I was being tortured in Pakistan, I love that place [on the map :P]. Actually, for a person like me, I need a dose of both places to be fully content. There are certainly things in Pakistan that I can't enjoy in Saudi and there are many things here that I can't think of having in Pakistan. But so far, so good. Most of my friends are at their universities, while I sit here and get fat. Some of my friends are in here, but I just can't seem to make plans with them. Either I get lazy or some kind of transport issues pop up. I so wanted to visit school, check up on my teachers, meet a few friends, but going alone is equal to getting bored the whole day and getting unwanted attention and stares from those around, so I'm looking up and down for anyone, who'd like to visit school with me. I'm desperate. haha.
Well, I guess, that's it for today. My blog entries were becoming very up-tight and magazine-material, so I "tried" to be different this time. Hope it works. If it doesn't, well, then it just doesn't.
Cheers.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Comings & Goings.


When I heard the thick accented Arabic pronunciation of “Ali” instead of the very Pakistanized pronunciation of “Ali”, I knew I was home. The corners of my smile almost touched my ear lobes, meaning I was smiling from ear to ear. As I boarded my flight SV 733 from Lahore to Riyadh, I literally felt like holding the Saudi Airline crew in a hearty embrace to express my happiness and gratitude towards returning back to the land of the Saudis…or more precisely the land where my heart dwelled.

Now it has just been three days since I arrived here, the country where I opened my eyes, cried for the first time, learned how to walk, went to school and graduated from. Each grain of sand in this arid zone of the Middle East held a memory to it. The warm sun, the golden sands, the unbreakable silence, the lazing camels, the flock of random sheep in the dunes, the palm trees… all seemed to be welcoming me with open arms. The blue and green sign boards with Arabic directions and labels all seemed to be glowing a little too much. The policemen in their earthen-toned uniforms were familiar faces. The dry and rusky leaves of palm trees seemed to bow down and sweep the sand off the road to make way for me. Each gust of wind blew sand grains here and there, rearranged the dunes and shaped the desert into another memory from my past. As I watched caravans of camels being led by a Bedouin, I felt as if this were a pictorial model of how my memories from Saudi Arabia followed me around the world for the past two months… as I wait over here to start another phase of my life, I’m forced to scrutinize my surroundings and learn from them. Currently, I’m the only one in the kingdom; none of my friends is here yet. This gives me more free time to ponder over stuff that I would so conveniently dismiss as crap otherwise. College starts in December and I leave this kingdom again in November to settle into Islamabad, my future home. So many premonitions, apprehensions, fears, excitement, and expectations make me giddy. I’m sure that other than that massive luggage I will be hurling from King Fahd International Airport to Islamabad International Airport, I will be carrying a baggage full of the fondest memories that I had related to this place I called home for eighteen years of my existence. I was born here, in Jubail, on February 17, 1990…I learned how to talk and walk, I grew and lost all my baby teeth here…I learnt the alphabet, memorized nursery rhymes and perfected my hand writing amidst this heat and sands. From a baby, I became a girl and from a girl, a woman. Everything took place here. I made friends, enemies, acquaintances of all kinds. I enjoyed the best part of my life, my school life, in this very country. Each time I think about my life, I can’t do without thinking about this wonderful country I was part of since the very beginning. The pettiest things bug me… Will I find Al-Marai yoghurts and laban in superstores in Pakistan? Will I ever see camels walking with such pride on roads? Will I ever make the same kind of friends like I had in school in here? Will I have the same kind of friendly teachers like I did back in school? Questions attack me from all sides. Seriously, thinking has no bounds…

The other day I just glanced at my calendar and noticed all the scrawny criss-crosses and circles indicating important dates. Although all the marked dates had passed by one by one, I saw them as a vivid reminder of how fast things were moving forward around me. I felt like one of the grains of sand that a simple gust wind could displace wherever it pleased. A grain, which shone under the sun, but seldom, was visible to anyone else. A grain that sometimes settled on a Bedouin’s brow, sometimes on a camel’s hump, or sometimes on a metal flask of pure boiling Saudi coffee...

for my FRANDS. <3





each and every step we took...
we took it together...
hand in hand...
never letting go....
through thick and thin
and crazy times...
we laughed, we cried...
the fun never died...
the special bond we shared,
the way you all cared,
will never be forgotten,
i can still hear the laughter,
i can still see the smiles,
no matter what the distances,
whether inches or in miles..
the memories are etched,
deep in my heart,
from my mind,
you guys will never depart...
even after a million years,
we will remember the joys and tears,
on the shore of time,
we will count the tides.
i will cherish you all,
from the core of my heart,
may God never pull us apart...
you gave me wings,
you taught me to fly,
you taught how it feels,
to reach up the sky.
when i was down,
you picked me up,
when i felt low,
you gave me a hug.
no matter how tall or big i grow,
whereever i go,
one thing i know,
i never want to say good bye to you.
you were my circle of light,
you helped me decide wrong or right,
i turned to you in times of need,
special is what you made me feel.
i have had crazy times with you,
little did i realize, time just flew.
now here i am missing you,
the fun of it all and the times too.
i love you to bits,
and thank you too,
for every single thing,
your God's best blessing.

ps-
This is dedicated to all my friends from
school. =]
Anam, Naseeha, Nawal, Hibah,
Samir, Cherry, Imad Badran, Imad Patel,
Samir, Daliah, Nashwa, Yasmin Abduljawad,
Abdul Aziz, Kulsoom, Amir,
Nida, Najwa,
Luqman, Hina, Ahmad Zia, Hisham, Jumanah,
Samy, Jowel,
Ayesha Javed, Marilyn.
Please
forgive me if I forgot any
names. =\
You all were family to me.
Thank you so much
for each and everything you guys did
to make
me whatever I am today.
I love you and miss
you all! <3

Friday, October 17, 2008

Winds of Change.


A winding path that leads to nowhere,

a gate half broken welcomes me.

A gust of the August wind,

takes me in an embrace.

Tulips bow down to the earth,

whispering, gossiping with the soil.

The lake, lifeless, still, silent,

adds to the scenery.

A sense of peace and calm,

a sense of pleasure, tranquility.

Blurred by the sudden rain,

my eyes wander around.

The forest floor is now all full,

of watery hopes and silent sounds.

Far away in my mind,

I see a horse racing against the wind.

A tossing mane, strained legs.

The pounding becomes closer & closer,

until I can breathe in the sounds so closely.

My heart is at last in peace.