Become.

With each breath that rises and falls,
a life I once lived from a distance calls,
I lift up my head from undercover,
strain my neck and try to look over,
what I see leaves me in awe,
how long I had waited for life to thaw,
with each little smile I saw from the past,
the joy that had died, suddenly arose at last,
the tears that I had counted so many times,
suddenly dried to the sound of sweet chimes,
I yearned for the same voice to call out my name,
as I heard it call out for me, again and again.
I tried to touch the face so clear,
only to realize it was a mirage, not real,
with a sudden dejection my eyes drooped down,
I had almost forgot in life I was only to frown,
one last glance I wanted desperately to give,
in hopes that all those I loved would forgive,
my mistakes, my errors, my cruelest acts,
my betrayal, hypocrisy and breakage of pacts,
I sat down with exhaustion on a corner stone,
leaning against it so frail and so alone,
I yearned for a child to rest his head on my lap,
how I wished with my favorite teddy I could nap,
the stench of the tobacco, be replaced with roses,
my burning soul under the influence restlessly doses,
I wonder to myself about what I have become,
a useless tool, an injured bird, a discarded bread crumb?
Whirlpools of burning questions dance in my head,
maybe, just maybe I would be better off dead,
I'm not scared of death, but I wonder how,
am I ready to even face God right now?
What would I tell Him? What would I say?
I was just a waste of sand, soul and clay?
Doesn't He see Himself how I have become so frail?
how every try of mine in this life utterly failed.
Would He still judge me? Ask me why I did?
What would I answer, how off sins would I get rid?
I kneeled down meekly on my skinned knees,
begging and crying, hoping He'd listen to my pleas.
I stared into the open sky over my head,
to take me wherever the right path lead,
I was sick of the darkness and wished for light,
I no longer had doubts about the Al-Mighty's might.
My hands trembled as I raised them together,
palms facing me with uncertain stature,
staring at my face with an amazement so great,
wondering why I was raising them in prayer so late,
I felt the whole world disappear around,
I had no sense of a sky above or a ground,
I suddenly was bathed in a flush of light,
not a living soul was now in my sight,
I closed my eyes tightly shut,
I didn't want this journey to end as yet,
I could feel the light penetrate my heart,
I wanted it to break my old self apart,
my lips quivered with each silent prayer,
my palms clenched in fists now, so tauter.
Tears streamed down my cheeks onto my lips,
they failed to stop, even by my finger tips,
I just wanted to live another life again,
to shed off the misery, the loss, and the pain,
flashes and blurs from the past haunted me,
I wanted to run away from all the misery,
I cried out loud and hoped He'd hear,
then a warmth filled me and I knew He was there,
listening to me so patiently and quietly,
waiting for me to beg for forgiveness and mercy,
I wanted to pound my head on the cold floor,
to seek redemption and ask for a chance once more,
to live a life that I always wished for,
to forget the times that had turned me sour,
I don't recall when the night turned into day,
but the sun came out and erased all the gray,
I suddenly felt like a weightless feather,
floating in the breeze in such beautiful weather,
I had been forgiven, given a chance to live once more,
to become a better soul and replenish my very core,
I looked again at the sky up so high,
so thankful, so grateful to the Lord was I.

Erase.

I heard "My Immortal" by Evanescence yesterday after almost a year. Brought back so many memories of the times when some freshman had sung this song on the talent show back in high school. Well anyways, I am having very surreal days these days. I feel like 'Sidra Chaudhry' from 6-D all over again- same emotions bubbling up and down, same stupid and silly gestures and actions...same everything, but different everyone. sighs. Sometimes I feel like telling myself, "Man, Sidra, get a grip on yourself. Step out of this time capsule you're stuck in!" But I'm one thick-skinned person, so I never listen..even to myself at times. Changing tracks, I touched a cadaver for the first time in my life today. It felt so cold and so weird. I'm struggling upstream to do the upper limb..hate it with a passion so strong that I can't find words big enough to describe my hatred. lol. ummm, besides that not much is up really. I don't even know why I'm still typing away nonsense. I think it's because I've written so many poems that my blog has become so boring and very uptight, wanted to break the monotony. Yesterday, Rajeel, Hassan, Sehr, Sahla, Emmal, Mahrukh and I went for a walk from college to the I-8 Markaz. It was so cool. lol. Fun, really. But I was so beat when I came back home, I just hit the sack immediately and didn't feel like coming out of bed at all. The political scenario in Pakistan is bad. I'm not following the news much, but after the attack on the Sri Lankan team and Sharif brothers fiascos, a lot of unrest has been observed in various parts of our great nation. There's supposed to be a nationwide protest tomorrow, but still my college chose to stay open. I really don't feel like going, I'd rather sit and home and try to study. But I have to go because I promised my favorite pathan aka Sahla that I'd come. I just tried to read up the forearm and I'm struggling to retain all the information. Today was a crazy day. Hassan, Rajeel, Sehr, and Usman bugged me a lot. I hate you all. lol. Naa, I don't. You people are my sahelas and sahelis. =)
Anyways, I'm going to end. This is getting extremely sad.

PS- I'm not as sad as it seems. =)

And I walk alone.

I just know that my feet walk in front,
where they are headed, I have no clue.
As the sun sets on the horizon,
my eyes wander around in search of you.
The branches whisper to each other,
wondering over my wandering so late,
how I wish I could sit and explain,
to them the mysteries of my fate.
The pelting stones of the past,
fall on my shoulders, weigh me down,
I can see my knees sinking so fast,
in great depths of anguish I drown.
I can barely look up into your eyes,
that's how much I've been wounded by lies,
Laughter is rare, smiles so foreign,
I'm trapped in a bubble, so bleak and barren.
My screams hardly recognized even by me,
I gasp for air, but there's hardly any.
I try to keep walking ahead,
into a land of broken and the dead,
where there would be no mortal,
I'm trying to find that enchanted portal.
I have to force myself to move,
the burden of the world is so hard to remove.
I walk over mud, I walk through snow,
still where I'm going, I don't really know.
All I know is that I walk alone,
in this world of strangers, so very alone.