multifaceted (adj)- having many facets or aspects.

Like an unattended bag left under the shade, totally oblivious to what its worth.

Like a counter bustling with exotic things that you've never seen before to choose from.

Like a boiling cup of coffee with an aroma enough to wake up the long, lost soul. A slice of cake that leaves a thick trace of chocolate on your lips even long after you've eaten it.

Like pictures on this wall, hiding the ugly yellow behind. Smiling to the tall gentleman, who walks in with his daughter or to the punk, smoking even the remnants of his cigar. Illusions, all illusions.

Like a box resting on a glass table. scribbled numbers, scrawny onions and peppers drawn all over, but so very empty inside, quite paradox to the colorful exterior it exhibits. with a burden resting above, so small to the naked eye, but so big to the soul of cardboard resting beneath.

And just like that life is multifaceted.

My pieces & mich.

Dear Life,

Sometimes I want to be a kid again...Laugh at Barney's lame jokes, help figure out Blue's clues, gloat over Dora's successes and cheer for the Power Rangers as they pounded their enemies. But here I am, in some lalaland, thinking to myself about you as you unfold in front of me. I don't want to hate you. But sometimes you end up giving me reasons to start doubting you, scrutinizing you. You make me want to sit down in a corner and sulk at times. On some days, I want to pick up all the colors of the universe and paint the sky with such bright colors that my own eyes would ache at the chilli powder red, turmeric golds and sapphire blues. Life, I know I'm not making sense, but trust me, I'm doing just what you do to me at times. This sounds erratic, yes, I know that too. Just like the way you can be. People walk in and out of you as I witness their footprints engraved in the deepest crevices of my heart, as they come and as they leave. Each of them with a unique story behind them, lurking behind them like a loyal shadow, which they cast on others without even realizing at times. There are so many songs about you, so many quotes, so many stories, but I have still failed to understand you. I wonder why. I'm often lying in bed, staring at the ceiling and wondering about you, that's just how much pain you give me. You even deprive me of my sleep, one of my few outlets from this frustrated place. Sometimes I try to turn myself to stone, so that I can withstand your blows- one by one. Each night I tell myself before closing my eyes that you will become friends with me, some day or the other. I try to lull my fears to sleep before I can fall asleep myself. But you have your ways, don't you? A minute, a second, nothing's to be relied upon. You grab me from the back, pin me to the ground & suffocate me with an overdose of you. My eyes have given up, they know there's no use filling pails of water over you. You are so cruel, that's why. You won't listen, won't budge. It's like you've drawn a big, fat red circle around me. I can't step out of it or over it. I just keep rotating on the inside and watch helplessly as you shower others with so much and flirt around with them. I want to smile, but my smiles just out to be so hollow, so incomplete, like dark half moons, floating aimlessly in night skies. Are you all about pain, misery, longing, broken dreams, scars and tears? Or is there more to you that you just fail to show me? I'm blinded or maybe blind-folded. I just don't know. You know what I feel like doing at times? I feel like running through jungles of barren trees barefooted and experiencing the jolt of pain as each stone, thorn and broken branch lunges towards me. I want to close my eyes and inhale the cold winds that beat against my face as I charge amidst the silent forest around me. I don't want to stop, even my useless tears fail to bring me to a halt. The tears do blur my vision, I can hardly make out what lies ahead- a tall tree or a familiar face with arms wide open. I just keep running, each thud wildly echoing in my ears as I try to reach out to the mirage overhead. Then I realize that it was just you, waiting to devour me with your arms wide open, deceiving me into thinking it was a harmless and warm embrace. And I let you do it. Because I know there's no way I can step out of the red circle around me. I know I will blow up into a million pieces, each bit reaching the furthest corners of the globe- too difficult for anyone to be put together again. You push me into such depths into oceans of doubt and thought that I struggle to resurface. For every splash that my arms and legs make against the icy waters, a wave of dread envelops me from top to bottom. I try to keep my head up, the only sign of life in me. But you pull me back in, you are tied to me like a heavy rock. You don't rest until you've seen me go blue in face while trying to reach a treatise with you. You love it, don't you? You get a high each time you do this to me. Nonetheless, I still let you do it. The reason, I don't know yet. When you've had enough with playing around with me, you drag me by my shoulders to the shore. I'm wet against the burning sands and you make sure that each inch of my skin experiences the pain of burns as you pull me along with you. Then when we reach a point, you just dump me with the sea shells, like a big oil spill. Left there to dirty the surroundings with my mere presence. My shivers, cries, cyanotic face, quivering lips don't affect you. You smile, because you've done your job. You have done it well. There I am- still shivering in the cold wind, with my knees drawn closer to my chin, my chin resting on my knees, hugging myself, trying to keep myself warm. The specks of sand stick to me, layering me with another sheet of guilt. I suddenly want the sands to suck me into them. But I know you wouldn't want anything to go my way. As I try to bury myself in the sands, there you come again. Pick me up, shuffle me in the air, so weightless for you I am. You toss me into a cloud. So foolish of me that I thought I'd be living there forever, that you'd leave me alone and forgive me for bearing with you for so long. I collide into a meshwork of what apparently was cotton, but it was a sea of broken mirrors. There was pain, then tingling, then numbness. A cycle, yes, like a very familiar cycle of burning, melting and decaying. I couldn't help but smile as I witnessed a million pieces of me fly around to adorn this very beautiful world that I so badly wanted to bury behind me.

Thank you for bearing me for so long.

S.C

In Hiding.

There's so much more to us,
than blood, flesh and bones.
There are hidden alleys,
there are very dark zones.

there's a heart that beats pain,
pumping agony through our veins.
then there's a mind perched on top,
churning thoughts and feelings non-stop.

be it blue, black or hazel eyes,
they are hiding the deepest lies,
lips maybe full or very thin,
but they hide dark secrets within.

hands clenched into tight fists,
unseen gashes adorning our wrists,
wells of tears set beneath our lashes,
our rusty soul each droplet washes.

ears yearning to hear some tune,
but alas, there's nothing but gloom.
our head dies to lean on someone's shoulder,
nights turn longer and winters even colder.

each glance around is just futile,
all is lost that was once worthwhile.
when barren trees blankly stare back,
i'm reminded of all that i really lack.

my eyes, my mind, my heart,
everything just breaks apart,
my soul, my cries, my tears,
at me everything seems to jeer.

when autumn leaves fall to the ground,
something in my chest abnormally pounds.
the skies want to rain on me,
but they don't know how it's to be so lonely.

when i set my eyes to the sun,
the rays shoot back at them like a gun,
blinding me through and through,
as if i'm the ill-fated one.

when the deepest fears lift their heads,
by underlying passions they are fed.
the darkest secrets come alive,
they burn, they rot, they deprive.

when i sit down under a shady tree,
to ponder about my forlorn life,
i'm left to fight a never-ending fight,
it's me against life together in strife.

Wait.

We are all waiting,
for a miracle, for a day,
for some magic, for a ray.
In the end we're all waiting.

We crave for a sign,
we yearn for a change,
we struggle against our fate,
in the end, all we do is wait.

We wait for a tomorrow,
we wait for next year,
sometimes we wait for decades,
everything a distance, nothing's near.
Trapped we are, there's no open gate,
in the end, all we do is wait.

We wait for rains,
we wait for people,
we wait for healing of the pain,
All love is lost, all that's left is hate.
in the end, all we do is wait.

Tears wait to be wiped,
eyes wait to see,
lips wait to speak,
but the wait gets so deadly,
Comfort's gone, only pains remain,
in the end, all we do is wait.

In Life.

you meet with people,
you don't like.
you live with things,
you don't want.
you feel the vibe,
you don't want to feel.
you run the mile,
you don't want to run.
you fight yourself,
you don't win.
you plaster a smile,
you don't feel.
you say a word,
you don't mean.
you save a life,
you don't love.
you survive events,
you don't dwell.
you see the skies,
you don't fly.
you dream dreams,
you never knew.
you reach places,
you never thought.
you walk alone,
you never realize.
you say the truth,
you brood a lie.
you talk to me,
you never smile.
you walk with me,
you never see.
you feel the pain,
you never had.
you feel the need,
you never felt.
you need to know,
you had to know.
you drown in oceans,
you never swam.
you reach the skies,
you never saw.
you see the horizon,
you never witnessed.
and.. you know..
you told stories,
you never lived.

Because life can't wait.

Before someone blatantly accuses me of being obsessed with TV commercials about shampoos, I want to explain that I have nothing to do with endorsing SunSilk products all over the Middle East, instead I'm rather impressed with how simply this one cheesy tagline holds such a deep meaning to it. Life, seriously, "can't" wait... It couldn't wait for me to get used to drinking from a cup instead of a bottle, it couldn't wait for me to keep holding my dad's finger to walk instead of running the mile in my gym class back in high school, it couldn't wait for me to sulk over how I got rejected by AKU, it couldn't wait for me to forever brood over the fact that I'd be away from my set of friends and familiar faces, whose shade I'd literally grown up under. I felt as I had to put all my efforts in to keep up with the fast pace of life. But anyways, no regrets, chin up and head high. Alhamdullilah!

Today was no different from any other day in my summer-mode-of-life. I woke up around 3 in the afternoon after sleeping at around 6 in the morning. Unhealthy, I know, but what else do I do? I woke up in the midst of cardboard boxes, suitcases, knicks and knacks all haphazardly adorning my bedroom floor. As soon as I rolled out of bed, I was greeted by a painful thud on my shin, due to a huge box lying just at the foot of my bed. The mere sight of such a mess was enough to irritate me to the extremes, so I set myself to the arduous task of clearing out the clutter and double-filtering so much of stuff from my luggage. I folded clothes, organized my never-ending scarf collection, looked over my other accessories that I "planned" to carry with me to the land of the Pakis. Who said packing was fun? Well, I thought that way until I had to solely take responsibility of it all. Sighs. As I was trying to make some "living space" for myself in my room, I came across so many tid bits stored here and there [read stashed] around in the most bizarre places. Honestly, I wasn't really surprised, since I knew I had done all this myself to evade my mom's frequent room inspections. Before your imagination runs wild to realms unknown, let me assure you that those "tid bits" consisted of incomplete friendship bands, old mittens, ticket stubs, candy wrappers, random ribbons, gift wrapping paper and other sort of miscellaneous junk that I had diligently gathered to make myself a scrapbook. I had started the scrapbook around July, a time when my wounds were fresh, I had freshly graduated and my memories and nostalgia were hitting me between the eyes every few hours. I had managed to complete one or two pages, and I really wanted to finish it up before college started. After finding the scrapbook in the darkest corner of my wardrobe, I decided to continue from where I had stopped. I wanted each page of the book to be a story of its own. The first page consisted of my graduation-related events. The next page talked about my senior year. The book follows a "downward spiral" sort of a theme, and I really don't know why I chose it to be that way. It was probably because we're so caught up with "WYSIWYG" [What You See Is What You Get"] mode of life, that we fail to see "beyond" the apparent. Yes, I graduated, but there was a whole tale behind it, full of laughter, joy, fun, tears, emotions, ups and downs...The story would be incomplete without the background. I really hope I get to complete it, although my laziness and procrastination's at peak levels!

Changing tracks, these days I'm trying to read an Urdu novel by a famous novelist, "Umera Ahmad", it's called "Thora Sa Aasman" [A Bit of the Sky]. So far, it's quite interesting. It talks about how everyone in their rat-race lives wants to gain everything in just a single and first attempt and how sometimes we sacrifise so much to gain hold of something that's nothing more than an illusion. Don't worry, I'm not going to the narrate the whole plot in here. If you're an Urdu-reader, I'd definitely recommend you to read it. Seriously, reading is so convenient. You just have to sit in a corner, get yourself something good to eat and keep reading on and on. You don't even have to move a muscle. THAT is just how lazy I have become. To add to the misery, I have started binge-eating like no other. Lays, Cheetos, Cadbury, Twix, Kinder Bueno, Doritoes, Pringles, Pepsi, Coke, it''s ALL in my digestive system. Unhealthy again, I know. Sighs. I need to do something about it too.

I'm so glad to be back home, it's not even funny. Not that I was being tortured in Pakistan, I love that place [on the map :P]. Actually, for a person like me, I need a dose of both places to be fully content. There are certainly things in Pakistan that I can't enjoy in Saudi and there are many things here that I can't think of having in Pakistan. But so far, so good. Most of my friends are at their universities, while I sit here and get fat. Some of my friends are in here, but I just can't seem to make plans with them. Either I get lazy or some kind of transport issues pop up. I so wanted to visit school, check up on my teachers, meet a few friends, but going alone is equal to getting bored the whole day and getting unwanted attention and stares from those around, so I'm looking up and down for anyone, who'd like to visit school with me. I'm desperate. haha.

Well, I guess, that's it for today. My blog entries were becoming very up-tight and magazine-material, so I "tried" to be different this time. Hope it works. If it doesn't, well, then it just doesn't.

Cheers.

Comings & Goings.

When I heard the thick accented Arabic pronunciation of “Ali” instead of the very Pakistanized pronunciation of “Ali”, I knew I was home. The corners of my smile almost touched my ear lobes, meaning I was smiling from ear to ear. As I boarded my flight SV 733 from Lahore to Riyadh, I literally felt like holding the Saudi Airline crew in a hearty embrace to express my happiness and gratitude towards returning back to the land of the Saudis…or more precisely the land where my heart dwelled.

Now it has just been three days since I arrived here, the country where I opened my eyes, cried for the first time, learned how to walk, went to school and graduated from. Each grain of sand in this arid zone of the Middle East held a memory to it. The warm sun, the golden sands, the unbreakable silence, the lazing camels, the flock of random sheep in the dunes, the palm trees… all seemed to be welcoming me with open arms. The blue and green sign boards with Arabic directions and labels all seemed to be glowing a little too much. The policemen in their earthen-toned uniforms were familiar faces. The dry and rusky leaves of palm trees seemed to bow down and sweep the sand off the road to make way for me. Each gust of wind blew sand grains here and there, rearranged the dunes and shaped the desert into another memory from my past. As I watched caravans of camels being led by a Bedouin, I felt as if this were a pictorial model of how my memories from Saudi Arabia followed me around the world for the past two months… as I wait over here to start another phase of my life, I’m forced to scrutinize my surroundings and learn from them. Currently, I’m the only one in the kingdom; none of my friends is here yet. This gives me more free time to ponder over stuff that I would so conveniently dismiss as crap otherwise. College starts in December and I leave this kingdom again in November to settle into Islamabad, my future home. So many premonitions, apprehensions, fears, excitement, and expectations make me giddy. I’m sure that other than that massive luggage I will be hurling from King Fahd International Airport to Islamabad International Airport, I will be carrying a baggage full of the fondest memories that I had related to this place I called home for eighteen years of my existence. I was born here, in Jubail, on February 17, 1990…I learned how to talk and walk, I grew and lost all my baby teeth here…I learnt the alphabet, memorized nursery rhymes and perfected my hand writing amidst this heat and sands. From a baby, I became a girl and from a girl, a woman. Everything took place here. I made friends, enemies, acquaintances of all kinds. I enjoyed the best part of my life, my school life, in this very country. Each time I think about my life, I can’t do without thinking about this wonderful country I was part of since the very beginning. The pettiest things bug me… Will I find Al-Marai yoghurts and laban in superstores in Pakistan? Will I ever see camels walking with such pride on roads? Will I ever make the same kind of friends like I had in school in here? Will I have the same kind of friendly teachers like I did back in school? Questions attack me from all sides. Seriously, thinking has no bounds…

The other day I just glanced at my calendar and noticed all the scrawny criss-crosses and circles indicating important dates. Although all the marked dates had passed by one by one, I saw them as a vivid reminder of how fast things were moving forward around me. I felt like one of the grains of sand that a simple gust wind could displace wherever it pleased. A grain, which shone under the sun, but seldom, was visible to anyone else. A grain that sometimes settled on a Bedouin’s brow, sometimes on a camel’s hump, or sometimes on a metal flask of pure boiling Saudi coffee...

I was told.

I was told if you hold tightly onto dreams,
You could shut your ears to the ghastly screams,
Of the past and of the haunted memories,
Of terrible mistakes and treacheries.

I was told to look at life verily in the eye,
To hold my chin up and reach for the sky,
To spread my wings far and very, very wide,
To let the winds carry me side by side.

I was told to creep into the darkness ahead,
To make way for light to enlighten the dead,
To discover a horizon and name a star,
To witness a miracle and heal all scars.

I was told to tread a path, nobody ever took,
To never look back, even if my knees shook,
To strengthen my soul and my heart,
To immune me from breaking apart.

I was told to always look ahead,
To follow life no matter where it lead,
To accept my fate and my destiny,
To smile and face any adversity.

I was told to feel the rain drops on my skin,
To let them seep into my flesh within,
To feel the cool breeze rustle my hair,
To let my heart dance, without a care.

I was told to savor every breath of mine,
To thank the Lord for every dollar and dime,
To spill fountains of love and of charity,
To alleviate pain and all tragedy.

I was told to cast shadows on the empty path,
To guide people away from a fiery wrath,
To mold and kneed the hearts around,
To spread love in the surround.

I was told to curl my lips gently into a smile,
To lock the happiness and eradicate the vile,
To secure the peace and sanctity of brotherhood,
To do it in the name of universal good.