First times. [*]

Taking those very first small steps,
those angelic feet touching the arid ground,
those innocent eyes staring up,
questioning everything in the surround.
From those times, up till now,
the same words eternally in my ears chime,
Sidra, there's always a first time.

When lunchboxes swang on our shoulders,
when we fought over pencil holders,
when collecting stickers meant war,
when the moon and stars were never far,
those curls that I tossed in the air,
when like Barbie's I first grew my hair,
from those times up till now,
the same words eternally in my ears chime,
Sidra, there's always a first time.

When I learnt how to open my locker,
when I hopelessly failed to play soccer,
those secrets we shared amidst giggles,
at the sight of highschoolers, we'd wiggle,
when that first crush meant the world,
those nascent feelings made us swirl,
from those times up till now,
the same words eternally in my ears chime,
Sidra, there's always a first time.

And every other time since that very day,
I hear the same chant in one or another way,
the first time, the second, the third, the last,
it always brings up a blast from the past,
when there was no option but recovery,
from a lover that ended in pain and misery,
that time too, the incantation repeated,
that no matter how dead you feel, or depleted,
there was always a first time,
the first time, you fell off your bike,
the first time, you scraped your knee,
the first time, you fell in love,
the first time, you soul felt free,
the first time, you were betrayed,
the first time, you cried when you prayed,
the first time, you undid your braids,
the first time, you realized you had to grow,
the first time, you finally had to let go,
the first time, you picked yourself up after a fall,
the first time, you built around you, a massive wall,
like always, there's always a first time.

Fájdalom [*]

I'll close my eyes,
with all my might,
just to pretend,
that I am alright,
in this abysmal dark,
through out the night,
on the tattered parchment,
I shall solemnly write,
stories of tears & pain,
of love and of delight,
and as this night,
seeps into daylight,
the fires of the sun,
my soul it ignites,
on the banks of rivers,
on shores of the sea,
combating with sorrow,
fighting off misery,
clenching my fists,
very very tight,
pretending to know,
what exactly is right,
yearning to burn,
in a fire so bright,
to etch an abode,
in the sky tonight.

*Fájdalom : Hungarian for pain.

Before I Die.[*]

I want to see the sea,
to ride the waves,
hold the warm sands,
in my barren hands,
to wave a final goodbye,
just before I die.

Days tick by one by one,
away from time I fail to run,
needles chase me from each side,
and as guilt with me collides,
it kills me so much, I won't deny,
just before I die.

If wishes were embers,
each as a scar, I'd remember,
each was granted I'd pretend,
until my time to transcend,
I'd so blantantly lie,
just before I die.

Leftovers of my broken dreams,
from such a distance they seem,
like scattered pearls of fate,
and just before it's too late,
I'd toss them up in the dark sky,
just before I die.

Losing is not a curse,
gaining to lose is worse,
as I stare into the horizon,
I slowly wilt and wizen,
to collect my fragments, I try,
just before I die.

Just a Moment. [*]

It just takes a moment,
to turn from candle to flame,
to burn yourself to dust,
just to eradicate the blame.

The drops of broken wax,
the melting souls with it,
leaving behind no tracks,
letting things go bit by bit.

From flickering flames,
to dirty, burnt ashes,
amidst broken promises,
amidst guilt-laden flashes.

An odyssey that never ends,
an epic betraying all trends,
even waters from the seas,
or the dew from the trees,
the tears from the eyes,
or the deepest painful cries,
I watch them fail one by one,
beaten, conquered, defeated,
finished, dead, depleted.

I Met You Here.

I met you here,
under the skies so clear,
when the rains fell,
and I could tell,
if you were around,
just by listening to sounds,
of your shoes thudding on mud,
the marshy grounds,
the swampy lakes,
the tales of fairies,
and other such fakes,
when they seemed so true,
as they dropped from your lips,
how butterflies seemed to,
never leave your fingertips,
when the times would freeze,
in the cold, warm breeze,
when satin ribbons would flutter,
like colorful birds' wings,
when every little twig,
just seemed to sing,
as the sun would set,
as the skies would darken,
your eyes would shine,
they'd light and sparkle,
I'd feel their glow,
on my cheeks,
how they'd keep me,
from falling weak...

*

And now I stare,
at the same wooden seat,
where we'd sit,
rejoice and meet,
everything's unchanged,
the sun's still setting,
the birds still chirping,
the ribbons still fluttering,
the golden eyes,
the fairy tales,
the talks of tunes,
the whispers of the gale,
old friends that I long,
to sing the same old song,
that chimed through branches,
pulled me from the trenches,
out into the sunshine,
to feel the the sun on my skin,
to cleanse me from within,
I long, I yearn, I crave,
to carefully save,
the so tangible flavors,
of love, hate, anguish,
just before they extinguish,
into the quagmire of wilderness...

For Every Tear.

In every tear of my eye,
deep tales in them lie,
of beautiful scars,
of whimsical lashes,
of burnt sunflowers,
of roses and ashes,
for every tear of my eye,
just never seems to dry,
like satin ribbons in breeze,
they flow, they dance, they fly.

Flicker [*]

A small flicker,
burning blues,
the hopeful hue,
my eyes locked,
watching, waiting,
for you to light up,
bring some hope,
some flavor,
just a hint of news,
that cold, cold blue,
that old hopeless hue,
just how I stare,
eyes fixed in gaze,
waiting and watching,
tossing and turning,
from under pillows,
from locked drawers,
still, deep inside,
I'm waiting,
still waiting,
though I hate,
there's no escape,
for the hopeful hue,
the ominous blue,
keeps me watching,
keeps me waiting.

*

The rain fell,
still I waited,
amidst blizzards,
still I stood,
under blazing suns,
I laid myself out,
on the burning sands,
still I stared,
out into the distance,
across the hazy horizons,
over the burnt meadows,
the milky skies,
the charcoal moons,
further and further,
till my eyes blinded,
by those things,
commonly called tears,
just were about to give in,
when a voice came from within,
asking me, begging me,
to stand my ground.

My Broken Strings.

The golden threads,
the words unsaid,
the longing sighs,
the lows and highs,
the strong tugs,
the dainty shoves,
the lucky ravens,
the ominous doves,
as your fingers,
gently tug,
my life along,
slowly chugs,
like a lost train,
on a broken track,
I struggle to get,
everything back,
but it's hard to see,
it's hard to flee,
from the broken dreams,
and the bloody screams,
of the past that was,
of the broken glass,
that pierces me,
daily so deeply.

*

Let us hide,
under these bright moons,
those shadows that bloom,
amidst the linens of gloom.
Throw those blades of grass,
so sleek, so sharp,
like the strings of harps,
let us lose ourselves,
to this green,
to this black,
of the ground,
of the sky,
of all that's chaining us,
forbidding us to fly.

Three Thousand Nights.

Three thousand nights,
with the days in between,
the sunsets, the sun rise,
the waves of pain,
the relentless tides,
of time, of longing,
of the loss of sense,
of the loss of belonging.

It's Just Day One. [*]

With a heavy heart,
with a reluctant sigh,
I just have to do this,
although I immensely miss,
I remind myself,
it's just day one.

Pretending isn't easy,
but that's what's left,
to show that it's okay,
that I've sent you away,
but only I know how it is,
falling into an abyss,
and although I immensely miss,
I remind myself,
it's just day one.

*

I love watching you,
walk away from me,
quickly at first,
as if to test.
if I'd stop you,
if I'd call out,
in your mind,
there lingers a doubt.
As usual, you don't show,
but somehow I know,
you too are waiting,
as we are separating,
for me to call out,
funny how I want,
you to do the same,
turn back and glance,
call out my name,
but we both know too,
both me and you,
don't mind waiting.

*

You have no idea,
you have no clue,
what you do to me,
is so oblivious to you.
To you, a smile is just a smile,
to me, it differentiates,
between an inch and mile.
The more you like to hide,
the more I tend to seek,
little do you know,
you make me so weak.

Trapped in a Raindrop [*]

Trapped in a rain drop,
the solitude of transparency,
staring out into the sky,
waiting for the clouds,
to let me free to fall,
to let me break into pieces,
so many that I wouldn't recall.
Pushing against my walls,
feeling them push back at me,
as I suspend from the clouds,
clouds of pain, of agony.
I hear the thunder rumble,
brace myself to crumble,
into the pavement below,
to meet my eternal destiny,
to put an end to this misery.

Life Takes [*]

Life takes,
forgets to give back,
like a greedy child,
bags all the good candy,
from a broken pinata,
it leaves me behind,
to count the colorful wrappers,
burgundy, amber, magenta,
caramel, toffee, hazelnut,
little fingers scraping off,
the remnants of candy,
trying, struggling so hard,
to remind life, not to forget,
to give me my part,
my share of good,
I try to remind life,
of what it should,
with melting remains,
of those candy store treats,
melt my childish dreams,
amidst lollies and ice creams.

A Thousand Suns. [*]

The thousand suns of my eyes,
the countless smiles on my lips,
I watch them drown,
in front of my face,
silently, calmly,
each dying out with grace.
With outstretched arms,
not to embrace,
just to give away,
more and more of myself,
to these winds I call life,
to these battles I call life,
to these little wounds I call life,
take more and more away from me,
even the remnants are too much,
this life has left me such,
the gusts of storms menace me,
to run away into the realms,
little do they know,
I just follow the lines on my palms.

Those Dreams in My Dupatta.

On the silken edge,
a very tight knot,
holds my dreams,
or at least it tries.
Intricate stitches,
like the lines on my hands,
stand guard to them,
before they betray me,
sneak out of the knot,
while I sleep in my cot.
Firmly gripping the fabric,
in a tightly clenched fist,
I try to calm myself,
at least my dreams still exist.
Safe from the lashes,
from the whips, from the stones,
within the tight knot of my dupatta,
they have safely grown..
The wildest of winds,
the torrential monsoons,
the sun's blazing rays,
not even the fiery moons,
could waver my dreams away,
in spite of the undulating cloth,
even after eons,
when I pass on my dupatta,
half eaten and teethered,
by time and by moths,
the delicate shoulders,
that would now bear the weight,
of my dreams, so forlorn,
so loyally tied within the knot,
even today, as tiny hands tug,
pulling it, yanking it,
off my shoulders onto my feet,
those tiny shards of hope,
don't let me embrace defeat.
Like a burning scar on my skin,
it reminds me of my sins.
My mistakes, my errors,
my fears and my terrors,
surprisingly this brings calm,
a quiet front after a storm..
I slap it back over my shoulder,
the knot, I know is still there,
as it slaps against my thigh,
from within me comes a sigh,
for my dreams assure me,
that'll never betray me,
never will they die.

"Lost Aroma!"

The same steaming mug of coffee,
with whirls of steam dancing,
the aroma mixing into the air,
the froth crowning it on top.
With my gaze, I try my best,
but it's so hard to separate,
you from the swirls of steam,
dissipating into nothing,
but leaving me behind to wait.
Tracing the brim with my finger,
one circle after another,
and just the swirls of steam,
rising and disappearing before me.
Next to the window where the cup rests,
I lift my heavy gaze now and then,
waiting for you to come, wondering when,
tracing the swirls tires me,
following them with my eyes,
deeply breathing them in,
realizing just how long it's been.
Just as the mist collects on glass,
a silhouette appears, it's you alas!
As I run to the door,
I just tend to ignore,
the cup resting on the edge,
which now lay on the floor,
broken, like a forlorn pledge.
With a broken spirit, I just stare,
the coffee flowing at my feet,
the swirls are long gone,
lost like a sudden heart beat,
just the coffee, flowing slowly.








Ps: A special thank you to Sami Bhai for suggesting the title! :)

*

When the pain got too much,
I just closed my eyes,
let it, just let it,
scoop my insides out,
dance around in my blood,
as much as it could.
When I lifted my lashes,
the pain stared at me,
a glow piercing my eyes,
challenging me yet again,
tying me with invisible chains.